From The Desk of Elon Musk: Issue #1
Dear M’workers:
First, I must congratulate you on the work you’ve done to make Twitter a vital part of the global conversation. Humans have always needed to know what literally everyone else thinks, all the time. This is called “the marketplace of ideas”, and it’s heckin’ important.
Lately in the marketplace, some of you have been hocking notions that my acquisition of Twitter is “threatening workers” or “playing chess with peoples’ lives”. BS. Promising to make the company more efficient is not threatening anyone, and the game’s really more like RollerCoaster Tycoon.
So I’m here, in the digital town square, to outsell your ideas about what my “intentions” or “methods” or “ethics” are. And because I now own the marketplace, I’m telling you to pack up your stall and scram.
Kidding. That said, there will need to be layoffs. I ran the numbers and found that having fewer employees is far cheaper than having more. This type of analysis is called “first principles business thinking”, and it slaps.
There will be a fair and just vetting process before any layoffs are made. This investigation into the company structure will be purely pragmatic. We’ll concentrate on such evaluations as “Is [X] position superfluous?” and “Do I want to impregnate you?”
Please don’t worry, because if you are laid off, the process will be swift and transparent. The gentlemanly thing is to do these in person. I’ll personally come to your desk, point at you, and yell “CRINGE”.
If you DO make the cut, options like remote work are still open. I don’t care if you’re in the office at all. Many of you smell. Also, I will literally never be there after the first week. I really only bought Twitter to “flex,” as the kids say.
Whoops. I said the quiet part loud. Ah well, that’s the tea. I’d ask you not to “cancel” me, but at New Twitter we’re not canceling anyone, anymore. Threaten this directive and you’ll be blackballed. Lol, phrasing.
Now let’s go protect privacy and free speech.
All your base,
Elon
