What makes a Leader or Transformational Teacher?
Its the 13th of April and I am in Spain attending a private event- gathering for European Transformational Leaders. Its a very small group, maybe we were 3 round tables in total in a very intimate room. Dr. Michael Bernard Beckwith came also, as a spiritual teacher, and leader — teaching the next generation teachers.
We did our meditation and after that my emotions decided to come pay a visit. I mean really, they could have just behaved and not come out. But as they did, i tried my best to hide them, to show my strength.
After all teachers are supposed to be strong and lead / be an example of strength, not vulnerability and lack of emotional control.
And the more I tried to control my emotions, the more they fought with me to release themselves.
Now i was an open book. By achieving relaxation, my ego somehow went off duty and wasn´t there to cover me. I was bare naked in front of all these people.
I mean, of all the places for healing, does it really have to happen here and in public?
As I am struggling to keep my emotions in check, we are asked to do an exercise of greeting each other and telling how much we loved each other, the “i see you” for who you really are exercise, and try to see beyond the eyes.
Everyone was so polite, shaking hands, i was like, naahh lets share the love, the Agape way, lets hug proper. But every time I am opening myself up to another person and really letting my self be seen, i actually wanted to hide.
Because i knew, i´m right in the middle of a crazy transformation process, and everything i once knew to be certain and true, no longer is so i have simply dropped all labels and am just being…and trying to find comfort in the question mark.
Then i meet this woman and she starts asking me lots of questions, like how did you get to be here — almost as to say, who are you and what gives you the right to be a transformational teacher, and WHO ARE YOU. I thought to myself, ´if you only knew´…if only you could ´see me´. And in that moment whatever was already on the surface, completely came out, and i had to leave the room because i couldn´t handle my emotions.
I was the transformation happening in real time LIVE on show and bare naked for everyone to see. But when you are in the middle of the mud, there is a tendency to judge (including me judging myself), because somehow we have this societal standard to be whole, perfect and show up complete. Like if you took a dusty diamond to someone, they would dismiss it. Then you polish it, then they really see it and want it. The concept of perfection, of showing up polished.
But for all the strength and glory, there are too many dark nights of the soul, and often we hide it, and come out ready and perfect, giving this illusion to the world that things are always well. And that leaders display only strength, not weakness. That leaders don´t cry. That leaders don´t fall, certainly not in public.
Although i have been doing spiritual work since i was 11, i never saw myself as a teacher. I just thought, this is who i am, and i even had to hide and tone it down at times in order to fit in. I didn´t yet know that one day, i had to be of service and that it was okay to do so. I thought I had to have a “proper” job as a cover/ to fit in to the world.
But last year, i was tired of pushing, of trying to fit in, of pretending, of hiding my true identity. And I told God, i was done, and i was ready to do my life´s work, I told God i would surrender my life to him and he should show me the way. I told God i wanted to know my Purpose in life and I wanted to live it. I prayed for many months and still do. But then in December i shockingly almost lost my life. And ever since my life changed. I don´t have any anger and bitterness in my heart, but occasionally other emotions do come out sometimes when i least expect, or when i think i am already healed. It´s almost like grieving your old life, recognising that in this life now, you are alone and you are to be your own Light. There is no more hiding, faking or even a single soul to save you. And maybe not many friends will be left, because it´s a whole different experience that shifts everything. It´s as if the veil has been lifted, but how many people have seen beyond the veil? Will I even have any friends left after this one?
In this life 2.0 I feel that for the first time in my life God upgraded me to a place where i cannot even talk about this with anyone. My friends don´t get it, and its as if time has come for me to do the WORK. It is overwhelmingly beautiful, yet challenging, and full of surprises. I can count with my fingers the number of people in the world i can speak to that will ´get me´. Maybe 1 or 2.
So, am I a Transformational Teacher? No. I am the transformation.
Am I here to teach you something? No. I am here, to simply show up bare naked right in the middle of my process of transformation so maybe you and I can learn, be inspired and grow or perhaps re-awaken to our human connectedness.
For no matter what any teacher learns through books, courses and whatever it is they do to become “teachers”, I can say that nothing could prepare you for this. Not even Harvard. That this is the real deal. And it is BIG. Bigger than me. And certainly bigger than the ego.
But in the midst of all the questions, i commit to only 1 thing: to be an open channel, to share my journey, to try NOT to be perfect and just be…and i hope that in showing up naked, we all give ourselves permission to truly be naked and an open channel. To not even try to create the perfect finished product but to just share the journey and let the Gifts rise to the surface on their own time in their own way, as we move out of the way, and let God do the work.
I launched my UNFINISHED and UNPOLISHED website, just so my writings could have a home in the process — www.naralee.co