Lessons I Learned from Children’s Books
By Donald Trump
The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein
The tree is a loser for giving away all her stuff. That little boy did not age well. He did not age well. He turned into a fat loser. Then he got old and too weak to stand and had to sit on that loser tree stump.
The Little Engine That Could by Watty Piper
That little blue engine does not have the stamina to pull those whiny dolls and toys up the big hill. I would say, “I know I can.” And then I would. And it would be beautiful. Just beautiful.
Those other engines were right not to help. They were right. Why are all the toys and goodies so desperate to see the little boys and girls on the other side? We don’t know their agenda once they get over the hill. We don’t. If I told you that just one of those toys was poisonous or defective, would you take the whole trainload?
Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown
Bunnies are living in hell. They are so poor. They only eat bowls full of mush.
The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams
That toy rabbit did not have the temperament to become a real rabbit. Real rabbits don’t cry. They just don’t. And how do we know that the little boy really survived scarlet fever? Some people are saying that the boy at the end of the book is a body double. He might not be, but a lot of people are saying it.
Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss
How stupid is Sam I Am? Just shove the green eggs and ham in that guy’s face. Why does Sam I am keep asking him? When you’re a big deal like Sam I am with access to foxes and boxes and houses and mouses you can do whatever you want. Whatever you want. It’s amazing. You don’t need permission.
Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus by Mo Willems
I agree bigly with this book. We need to stop low-class pigeons from taking our jobs. If we let this pigeon drive the bus, soon he’ll bring over all his rapist pigeon family and friends to drive our buses. He says his cousin Herb drives a bus almost every day. So, it might be too late to stop the rest of his family from coming here. But I alone can do it.
Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak
This kid Max is a real winner. He’s a winner. He goes to a bad place. It’s a very bad place. They need an outsider to rule them. They really do. They need an outsider. He becomes a great leader and they all do what he says. Then he makes a loser decision. He sails back across the world to go live with his mommy. Total disaster.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle
I don’t believe a word of this book. No caterpillar I ever met got better looking from eating and eating and eating. I have seen a pretty butterfly turn into a fat ugly caterpillar. And I can tell you it was a problem. A real problem.
The Monster at the End of This Book by Jon Stone
Grover doesn’t know how to build a real wall. I know how to build a real wall. And it would be tremendous. Just fantastic. A beautiful wall. Huge. And it would stop everyone from seeing the monster at the end of the book. And the monster’s going to pay for it. Believe me.
