Healing Journey Day One

I didn’t wake up particularly inspired as I usually do on Day ones (I’ve had many). I feel tired, sluggish and I want cake. I almost regret putting up that post last night. I’d love to delete it and go out and buy cake.

So what’s gonna be different about this time? What will help me succeed? What keeps us from living the lives we want to lead? We are our only obstacles. I have observed time and time again how I really am my own worst enemy. It’s astonishing really, the self-harm I am capable of.

On some level, I understand that at the root of all of this is the animosity I feel towards my mother. We haven’t spoken in about 7 months. I understand that I need to forgive her. If only for myself and my own development. I understand that holding grudges doesn’t serve me. But I have no clue how to go about doing the forgiveness thing. I suspect it has something to do with compassion. Putting myself in her shoes and trying to understand that she didn’t know any better. And still doesn’t. Knowing that deep inside she is suffering, and probably beating herself up. Even though she won’t admit it. Knowing that she is only reflecting her own broken childhood feelings. Just like I am.

17:40 -Today hasn’t seen me very productive. Very impatient actually when I had to wait in queues when I eventually left the house to go run an errand. I almost caved. I was so tempted to just get an entire pack of rice krispie treats and just devour them in one sitting. ‘Nobody’s even read this’ I told myself. ‘You can start tomorrow.’ Laughable really.

I feel spaced out and far from present. I can’t stop daydreaming about being a different person and about a certain man. My body feels stiff. I’m craving sugar. I feel lonely. And ugly.

Did this blog save me from getting those rice krispie treats?

A friend posted this quote on Facebook just now:

“The present may not be perfect. It could be beautiful or it could be very difficult. But when we fully enter it is sufficient. The things that we need are freely available. We don’t need to distract ourselves from what we are feeling and experiencing in the present by designing enormous plans for the future. We don’t need to crave for some other life. We are always in the right place at the right time. Even if we are in a very difficult situation all the clues for creating or moving towards a better future available once we fully acknowledge and feel our experience in the present.” Jason Hine

This rings deeply true for me. Presence is key. On some level I believe that no illness or imbalance can exist where there is awareness. I believe that Presence is probably the most healing and transformative power we have at our disposal. But daydreaming is so seductive. It’s easier to be asleep isn’t it?

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