split — Nayyirah Waheed

I need a safe space to find my voice again. 
I need to rediscover 
how to speak, to think, to feel 
without filtering everything through artificial lenses. 
This is the healing.
I understand compassion and love.
I understand 
mercy and forgiveness 
pain and loving 
and self sacrifice .
But I don’t understand how to reconcile
rigidity with holiness
doctrine with truth
this heart of mine — and what it sees — 
belief with reality
reality with reality.

How can I learn to truly be myself with all these paradoxes? Growing up Catholic, still going to Mass every week, still wanting to be a good person and love and be loved by God…but also this freaking world, learning not to be afraid to walk into a bar, learning how not to be afraid to kiss and to make out. I’m 29 freaking years old. I have come to peace with the fact that I will never have resolution in the ways I used to think that I would.

The old me is dead. Or is she?

Post-cult trauma syndrome. What is true about my past and what is true in what I truly think and feel in my heart now? Will all this symbiotic swirl of deep thirst in hedonistic masks and the same thirst masked in rigid “merciful” religiosity ever make sense in my brain and heart? Will I ever be able to be truly transparent and true to myself?

Healing through expression. Healing through processing. No filter.

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