“Everyone’s crazy here in some way”
“I think I’m in love with you”
“You don’t fit in here”
‘’You’ll never get out of here ‘’
That’s how my early days were at the Tirra Mental Health Hospital, located in Tirat Carmel in Israel.
I wanted to die. Yes. I said it. ‘’ I want to die! Give me the pills! I want to sleep and not get up. I don’t want to deal with anything. I don’t want to see anything, hear anything, experience anything. I just want to disappear. Forever ‘’.
Tuesday was the extreme of my life. I didn’t think I will get myself into this kind of situation. And yes, I surprised myself.
In fact, it wasn’t the first time I surprised myself.
A week before I asked not to go to school and go to my boarding schoolroom for a few hours to relax. I lied to her. I lied to my social worker. I didn’t go up to relax.
I locked the door of the room. I was looking for an accessory … anything I could do it with. Anything.
When I felt the key of the door as I locked, and I felt the “Llyn” key-chain hanging on the door … I felt it could do the job.
I love the company “Llyn”. This is a cosmetics company in Israel. Everything is super aesthetic, beautiful, neat, in the right place, smells right, looks right.
It’s a bit ironic to take this company’s accessory and sabotage my body through it. But my cut is super aesthetic, beautiful, neat, in the right place, smells right, looks right.
I didn’t want to hurt anymore. But I didn’t want to die at that moment either. I wanted something else to hurt. Something superficial, which can pass over time.
I looked at my hand … and cried.
I spent the week with long shirts that could even hide my palm.
I arrived in the room on Tuesday afternoon. I took the pills I had in the cupboard over the bed.I spread them on the bed and turned to Julie. My roommate.
“Hey … help me.” I cried in her face.
“Noa, what are you doing? Gather it fast and throw it away. Don’t do anything foolish.’’
“Julie … I can’t do it anymore … I’m falling apart. ‘’ Again. I cried in her face.
‘Noa! enough. Are you dumb? Are you a masochist? You see a lot of TV series and think it’s cool to cut yourself and make a dramatic scene. Oh oh, I want to die, oh no, help me!”
‘’ Lock the door. Bring water. ‘’ I said.
Before you knew it, she collected all the pills near her and hid them behind her back.
“Give them to me Julie! Give them to me! You’re hurting me! You are violating my rights! “Citizenship flashed to my mind at that second.
“Stop being dumb! Enough! Forget it! I’m not letting you. If you swallow — I swallow! Quiet … please. ‘’
If I swallow- you swallow? really? I doubt it. People want to feel important in the world. And how do you feel important? Why don’t you throw the words into the air, which sounds like rescuing words and I’ll feel even more guilty. Because I’ll drag someone else in to my victims.
Bullshit! Everyone is selfish in this world. She says this to feel better about herself. But the best thing is to just do it. Do it. Well, Noa… Do it you dummy!
“ Julie .. give me the pills. I don’t want to live. Let me sleep for a long time. I’m tired of surviving and dealing with so much pain. Let me disappear!
‘’ Enough! Why are you doing this ?! ‘’ She yelled at me.
Before we could go on, the house mother knocked hard on the door to take me.
I went to my weekly meeting with the therapist. Social Worker.
‘’ Hi, Noa. How are you? ‘’
‘’OK. I mean wrong. How are you doing? “I wasn’t really interested in her well-being, but I didn’t ask politely either.
‘’ What, tell me .. ‘’ she said.
Really? Do you really want me to share why I have been wrong for a few months? Few years?! Do you really have an interest in me?, The social worker who has more patients besides me and her own private life. You only have one meeting week with me, fucking only one meeting — one hour a week .. Do you really want to know why I feel like shit ??
“I want to commit suicide”
That’s what I could say at that moment.
“I understand that you have very extreme and powerful feelings,” she said.
No, you don’t understand. You can’t understand.
I have come to tremendous despair, huge frustration, brutal loneliness. Don’t tell me you understand me.
‘’ I want to swallow my pills. I have Optalgin in my room. But only a few. It won’t be enough for me to die.”
I said, and I felt like an expert on ways to commit suicide.
“Noa, I think you are a danger to yourself and there is no escape from going to a psychiatrist. First of all, we’ll take the pills you have in your room. You shouldn’t have pills in your room. ‘’ She said without hesitation.
‘’ Then you can take these pills away from me and when I return home I will swallow other pills. I don’t want to exist.”
Michal insists in a pleasant and flattering voice. Why do all psychologists and social workers always have an annoying voice? Can you speak in tones of a normal person?
Still, something inside me thinks I’m crazy.
Something inside me knows I need help. Is it so humiliating to ask?
And drawing a smile on my arm with a “Llyn” key-chain is less humiliating?
“Take me to a psychiatrist before it’s too late .. I’m scared. I’m really scared. ‘’
I was scared all the way. I went up another step. I didn’t stop shaking. My heart used to be so strong.
‘’ Hi. Where do you want to go, please? ‘’ The guard stood and spoke in a firm, sharp tone.
‘’ For sorting.“ Michal said. My social worker.
At the ER, the psychiatrist was waiting for us.
‘’ Hello, sweetie. I am Dr. Motzkowitz. Nice to meet you. Why are you here? ‘’ She’s trying to be kind.
“She wants to die,” Michal said again, without hesitation.
I was silent. I didn’t respond.
‘’I see. Can I ask why?’’ Dr. Motzkowitz asked with perfect tact.
No. You can’t ask why. Give me the medicine and don’t push your nose into my private life!
“She feels that she is no longer able to live, for whatever reason that strangles her. She injures herself to reduce the pain, and to get it out of the way on her body. “Michal took command again.
After a few moments of silence, they recommended I should be hospitalized.
‘’ Noa, you’re 18. We can’t force you to be hospitalized. You need to help yourself and hospitalize yourself. You’re in a state of self-danger. “Dr. Motzkowitz decided to convince me.
‘’No’’. I said.
silence.
‘’No’’. I said again.
I’m not ready to go to the place where my brothers had been, to the place where my father had been.. I’m not going to be crazy. I’m not crazy. I’m not crazy.
‘’I don’t want to see these people around me. If I go here, I’ll go crazy. You can lose sanity in a place like this. Give me medication. I don’t want to be hospitalized. Stop. ‘’
“Noa, because you are 18, at any given moment you can leave. “Both Michal and Dr. Motzkowitz noted it in front of me.
“You must get help, Noa. Before it’s too late. “Michal said.
Before it’s too late … Before it’s too late.
“Are you saying that at any given moment I can free myself? ‘’
‘’of course’’. Dr. Motzkowitz confirmed.
‘’Sure?’’
‘’Yes.’’
‘’OK. ‘’ Agreed.
We went to the department. Dr. Motzkowitz opened the door for us and took me to the care of two nurses who were on guard at the door waiting for me.
“Please come with me to the bathroom. ‘’ Said the nurse.
“Sorry?” I swallowed, thinking I could hear something else for a moment …
“We need to check that you have no bruises on the body,” she said, leading me to the nearest toilet.
We went in and followed Dr. Motzkowitz.
” Undress.” The nurse demanded.
“I don’t feel so comfortable ..” I said, feeling sorry.
‘’ Girl, I’m not asking. There is no time for these embarrassing games … I don’t want to look at your body, come on.’’
I hated her. I’ve just met her and I had already created sharp feelings for her.
I took off a shirt in terrible shame. They looked at me. They examined every organ in my body. I felt humiliated.
The nurse looked at my bra, approached, and pulled out the irons with terrible invasiveness that made me hide my body even more. She asked me to take off my ring and the earrings in my ears.
She asked me to turn my hands around.
I did.
‘’What did you do it with? ‘’ The nurse asked, pointing to the cuts in my hands.
“Key-chain”.
I was ashamed of every moment.
She brought me a shirt and burgundy trousers on the reddish border. These are girl’s clothes
As we left the bathroom, the nurse asked me if I wanted a sleeping pill. Yes.. why not.
I went into the room. I pulled the blanket over me. I closed my eyes. And that’s how the first day ended.
I spent that night in a tying room. In a tie-down bed. Can I sleep? I just want to sleep.