Mary Mbisi; a letter to you.
It has been a very long while since we spent time together. So much time has passed that it has almost washed away any trace of our friendship. Only one thing worries me. This stubborn feeling that I hid my true feelings from you for a long time.
It is a shame that I have to speak now, when we have been apart for so long that we are practically strangers to each other. We have become what we were before we first met. It is a shame that I have to admit my complicity in the murder of a very promising friendship that was destined for things greater than have been seen before. It is a shame that I am speaking out at a time that nothing more than words of regret can be shared between me and you. It has been long. Long enough for you to move on and perhaps fill the void I left in your heart, if any.
You will be surprised how many times I’ve written and rewritten this piece just to fit what my heart feels. And you know what, I am sad to say that I am terribly unsuccessful.
Mary, you must know that I loved you. You must know that my love for you was the purest I have ever felt. The kind of love I believe the world calls ‘true love’. It was the kind that awakened my sensual faculties in a manner that is unforgettable. But, you must also know that I was very naïve and so scared of that feeling that I could not surmon enough strength to tell you. I have lived with it for this long. I might have dropped a hint here and there but I guess that confused you the more.
You may have so many questions why I have decided to let this matter off my chest at this time. Be afraid not. I had to do it. If not today, I would have done it far into the future.
And, Mary, there are things I want you to know about me. Right now, I have a girlfriend. Someone I love the way I loved you. Only difference being that in this case I had courage to speak and she accepted. She is a great woman. She reminds me everything you were. But I guess I have to be honest here. You have the best smile. It is a relic of you that I am sure will die with me.
At this time, memories of us eating together in your room flood back into my mind with a force of flood waters that have breached the walls of a dam. The classes we attended sitting at each other’s side like two young, frail chicks that have nothing but their company. We shared a lot. Our dreams. Our visions. Our fears. Our likes. The things we abhorred. But one thing. Just one. We never talked about our feelings. I am in awe at how adept we were at hiding what we felt. You remember back in the month of February, 2013, when we were going home for the March elections. I told you I wanted to be more than just a friend to you. And you told me that you had issues that you had to sought out first before you could speak clear-mindedly about the matter I had raised. You don’t know how much I waited for that time. How anxious I was about your feedback. Honestly, I used to fantasize a lot about that moment you would tell me that you were okay with me as your boyfriend. I waited to be that guy. The guy who would be for ever happy because of the woman he had in his life. It breaks my heart that time never came. And, clearly, it will never come.
I wanted to speak even of the Worship Experiences you made me attend out my love for you. I have to admit that I never attended those services with an intention away from pleasing you. It was a sacrifice I was glad to make. I know it wasn’t supposed to be that way. But that was the way I saw it. And for me, that was the way it was supposed to be.
I can speak of the many hours you sacrificed to cook those delicious meals for me. You filled my stomach. And overwhelmed my heart. Which I never told you.
I can speak of so much, some of which I can’t recollect. But my point is clear. You meant a lot to me. That period you spent on the throne in my heart, I can only dream of it. You meant a lot to me. You still mean a lot. You’re a friend I would want to recoup.
As I said earlier, I have a girlfriend. She may stumble upon this piece. I swear I can’t guess what her reaction will be. I don’t know how she will take it. But I believe one thing. She will understand me. She will know I had to do it. She will not doubt my commitment to her. Because she knows I love her. She knows that my love for her is pure and founded on trust, faithfulness and above all, true friendship.
At least you taught me one thing. You made me believe that there can exist a very intimate and lovely relationship between a boy and a girl in university without sex. Without a suggestive hug. Without meaningless kisses. Just you being there was enough for me. I want to believe it was likewise for you.
One last thing, I must tender my apology for your patience, both for waiting for this long to confirm what you thought I felt about you and for the patience to read this painfully long piece. I pray that the Lord you serve will see you through all days of your life and that He will be kind enough to grant you the grace to see the positives in our relationship. May He help you cultivate the person you want to be.
Lots of Love,
Nobert Wanjala Simiyu.