Dear Bruce Willis. Hear me out on this one
Dear Bruce Willis, hear me out on this one.
Die Hard is arguably one of the greatest Christmas movies of all time. The only competition there is, would be A Christmas Story. It clearly has the family friendly advantage, right? I know how to fix this.
In order to solidify Die Hard’s place as the greatest Christmas movie — no, the GREATEST MOVIE PERIOD — of all time, I need you to reshoot the entirety of Die Hard, but in the style of A Christmas Story. Details to follow:
1. The entire movie takes place at the Daisy toy company headquarters.
2. Instead of Hans* trying to steal bearer bonds, he is trying to steal all of the Red Rider BB guns. (*We still use all of the original footage of Alan Rickman, unedited.)
3. The only thing your daughter wants for Christmas is a Red Rider BB gun, hence why you are at the headquarters. (This is great because it shows that you are an accepting father and understand that girls can like bb guns and not just dolls, etc)
4. We take the narration from A Christmas Story and place it sporadically throughout the film (it will take some work, but I believe that with some creative writing we can fit them in). They have to be the original Jean Shepherd recordings. This is important.
5. “Yippee-ki-yay motherfucker” is replaced by “Yippee-ki-yay mother fudger” in slow motion, and then as you turn through the door we play the, “Only I didn’t say fudge. I said THE word. The big one. The queen mother of dirty words. The ‘f, dash, dash, dash’ word.” narration.
6. At the end when Hans is holding Holly hostage, we replace her with a Red Rider BB gun, and after you shoot him you lunge to grab the BB gun from him and he falls after losing his grip on the box.
7. At the end when the police are surrounding the building, there are also mobs of anxious parents trying to get into the building to also buy Red Rider BB guns.
Note: I will continue to add notes to this thread as ideas come to me.
Please get back to me on this at your earliest convenience, but please note that we have 11 months to get this movie out at Christmas time.
From your fans Cory Bergquist & Will Truran