A Letter To You: 00:37

I am stuck in my brain tonight. It is 00:37, I have no food to chew on and nothing that I want to do at an impulse.

Nothing, well, nothing other than maybe go out and run away. From what? quite unsure. From myself, maybe. From the world, maybe.

From.

This.

Too many things. To do, to learn, to… no. That’s not really it, is it?

What you’re overwhelmed isn’t the work that you’re holding back. you’re overwhelmed with your own desires. Letting that blocked-up desires, and having none of them fulfilled, is painful and tiring huh?

There’s a reason why the suppression of desire is such a common occurrence in spiritual practices, and I think we know. I know and yet, allured by the desire for connection, you, no… us… me. we decided to go against our beautiful life experience and reinject emotion this way

Is there regret? For the first time maybe I say that regret exist, a long running, deep wound of regret. Regret for trying out what experience is not made for me, for us. Regret for forcing one self to follow others.

In a desire… to be accepted.

I wish we could reminisce about this with a laugh, I really do. Maybe we should, hold a feast. I’m thinking about moving again, changing where I’m staying, because we need a change in environment. Being stuck in this four by three room all the time is suffocating huh.

For the first time, we, I, us, have lost faith in a lot of things. No longer does things beat the drums of the heart, no longer does the golden blood fills our vein, for all things we talk is in the future, an interesting one, but one no where near me.

I think, the problem, is, putting too much expectation, and hope, on the future. The future is nebulous oh dear me, it is ever changing, for the ebbs and flow of nature are beyond the greatest mortals comprehension. Stories of the future are wonderful, alas we get stuck in them

Heh.

I wonder how other will think about this. Maybe this is, a very, very, very, sheltered of me to be able to say this. To be able to… Not think too much of the future.

To just, be.

In the here.

In the now.

It’s hard you know, to try to keep yourself excited for the day when… everything you desire is in the future. That train ride, a cup of coffee in the cafe, camping with friends, a kiss, a hug, laughs of the heart. Maybe we need to stop wishing for too much.

Desires are a fickle thing, like fire, too much can scorch and burn down everything you hold. I’ve learned to… I would say suppress, but I dislike that word, because what I did was more than that.

I sifted, worked through my desires, untangling it into its most basic component, and tackling them one at a time with the pace, of, the day. The present. The now. The gait. Maybe I’m not fit to lead, exactly because of this. Or maybe this is why I’m fit to lead. I do not know.

I do not know friend, what you can do for me, in this current condition. I want you to take me away from my world, take me away from this dredge I have stuck myself in, show me your world and dazzle me to action.

But alas, you cannot.

And I understand.

I understand, that my muses, and my calls for help, is probably akin to ones sent by prisoners. It is understandable, and some might wish to help, but alas, I am stuck here. Not under my own volition or action, or maybe it is through my own. I cannot tell just yet.

Maybe I am imprisoning myself in a mind cage that is only loosely reinforced by the world. That these problems I’m having, is ones, I… created by myself. Why? Who knows. I have a few theories, but… they are not good, and amir will probably be mad at me for saying it hahaha.

I wanna be chained down, like others. I wanna be normal. I wanna be accepted. And the only common theme I see with everyone is that they’re all bounded by a chain of their own. To be like others, I must be chained?

Or maybe, just to look chained.

I might actually be chained already, chained by an invisible and completely different set of chain, different from everyone else’s. But it doesn’t look like others, and I don’t like it. I wanna be like my friends too.

I’m feel so lonely. I have friends, a lot of friends. Probably more than I ever had. And yet, I am so lonely. I feel like I’m stuck here, alone, and I am scared of letting people in, because no one seems interested in doing so, or at least they’re fine with just doing a little.

I think, I might have, a vulnerability problem

huh.

yeah.

probably so.

Vulnerability is really easily fakeable, dear friends. I hope that anyone who, well, find me interesting or like me enough, will not find my current level of vulnerability, sufficient. I have so much more.

Dig deep, there is so much there, that I don’t know… no, not that I don’t know, but I don’t want to show because there is no reason for me to open up. it only repulsed people, or find it overbearing, and I can feel that showing more will literally tear their world apart.

I tried, I really tried, to truly be vulnerable to people.

But every time, I show, more than the surface level, people just… I don’t know friend, I really don’t know how to explain it. Maybe I’m wrong.

Prove Me Wrong.

Ahaha, seemingly, my favorite phrase now is, prove me wrong.

I am hungry, it is 1:11 and I am in a diet. I am doing intermittent fasting, and so no meal for me until lunchtime. I am doing keto, or atleast a form of it, so that means I can’t be eating that delicious sweet supple rice.

For what? I do not know. Acceptance, maybe.

I really wanna meet you, my dear friends. I think there are so much more I could convey to you straight, rather than through this extremely limited method of communication.

I love you, my dear friend, I am sorry for making you worry. I will be okay.

— nobu