I was thrown down to the floor and put in a headlock once by a security guard because I refused to leave the premises of my leasing office without being shown a copy of my lease. I weigh 105 lbs, and I’m (biologically) female. This was easily a 250 lb man who acted with insanely excessive force. I had a cracked rib. Bruises all over my neck, face and arms.

I searched the entire city for an attorney who would help me, and none of them would take my case because I’m 22, have zero financial assets, and filed no police report. The security officer apparently called the cops on me (laughable — sure, I cussed at him poetically after he threw me down, but I was in no way physically violent) but me being me, I got up from the room he unlawfully detained me in and left the scene while his back was turned. I’ve never even written about it. Just simmered.

Like you, I lost my mojo in the moment. I allowed my fear and inarticulate screaming, spitting rage to make me flee. I should have realized all along that I deserved justice, would be served justice, and I allowed a false authority figure to make me feel as if I was wrong.

Don’t feel ashamed of yourself because somebody else fucked up. No matter how much you mentally prepare, you never know how you will react when the time comes, and there is no right or wrong reaction. You didn’t fail anyone. You did what you felt like you had to do in the moment. If you resisted, you might have lost your life, and then the world would have been very unfairly cheated out of your journalism which, in my opinion, is fucking heroic. You were not wrong. Anybody would say you’re fearless after reading your stuff and you showing your bag when asked means fuck all in the scheme of things.