To sum up the last few weeks in one word would be impossible, but the closest effort at that would be: cliff-diving. It’s both something real that I’ve been obsessed with whilst here, and a metaphor for what’s going on in my heart.

Since I’ve been here, I’ve been to two different places to jump off of some high places into deep pools of water: a place called Gardener’s Falls (which you’ve seen in the last blog), and Wappa Falls, of which there’s some rad footage coming in the upcoming VLOG. By far my favourite of the two was Wappa, not because the scenery was more breathtaking (because it wasn’t), it was because of the size of the cliffs. The tallest of the cliffs was about nine or ten metres. And there were many other smaller drops scattered about the large pool. I made effort to jump from all of the best spots, especially the tall point. For the majority of the time, though, I was more focused on getting footage for a sick edit I could add to the VLOG, so I didn’t jump as many times as I could have sans the camera. But such are the struggles of a vlogger (I still call myself one, even though I haven’t exactly been doing it).

As soon as we arrived I had scoped out the taller of the drops and was committed to jumping, but as morning turned to afternoon I still had not taken the plunge and left every comfort of sure-footing behind and gravity to have its way to pull me into that cool pool below. It wasn’t out of fear that I hadn’t jumped, it was because I was focused on taking some killer footage and I couldn’t really do that if I was dripping wet from the slightly green water that filled most of the pool below the slow running falls. Also, I was a little anxious about it all. I’ve never jumped from something that high before, and the murky-green water below didn’t offer much consolation to the lack of trust I had in my own ability to jump out far enough into the pool. So as people had their fill of swimming and sunbathing, the others in our crew were making subtle gestures towards leaving.

But I was going to jump. I was determined.

So I got to the edge of the cliff, looked over the edge to gauge how far out the leap had to be to clear the slightly protruding rock a couple metres below the point. I took a few steps backwards for a running lead and leapt from the cliff face. As my right foot pushed off the edge and my toes wrapped around the cliff face I thought to myself, “cool.” It honestly wasn’t bad or terrifying. I told you I wasn’t scared. Then I hit the water…

And it wasn’t bad either.

You’re pretty easy to trick into thinking other things.

Anyways, It was just I straight jump to gauge how much airtime I had to do a Superman front flip. Because that was actually what I wanted to do. I thought would look dope, and it did. So I got up to the cliff face again after Matt had done his Gainer, off the same cliff (also featured in the vlog). And it took a while to get up the courage to leap. I was standing up there looking up over the edge working up the courage to go. I was determined to go back to the house having flown off the cliff with my arms outstretched in typical Superman fashion. This is where the anxiety had set in. I no longer trusted the water as I had before. It was different this time. There was now more risk involved because my head was pointed towards the water this time (not a big deal really). But eventually I worked enough courage to make the jump, and it was pure bliss. While I wanted to hold the pose for much longer to make the effect cooler, I was incredible flying through the air staring at the water below laying, body parallel with the earth below.

I entered the water feet first and knew that I had succeeded. And that I was still alive.

It took a lot of vulnerability to trust not in your own feet or your skills, but to trust in just the water, in something other than yourself. That word I used at the beginning of the blog, cliff-diving, ties into something God has been teaching me over these last few weeks here in the beautiful land of Australia: vulnerability. So much of what the week lectures have focused on — Father Heart of God, Recognising God’s Voice, and the upcoming Fear of God weeks — has been being open, not-secretive, vulnerable.

That’s a concept I knew was a huge part of a relationship with God, but it’s something I haven’t been practising. I guess where I come from, we don’t talk about what we’re struggling with, we’re individualistic in mindset, my journey is my journey is my journey and you don’t need to be a part of it. We talk about what God has been convicting us on, but we make it more general so that the specifics won’t affect the people around us. They’re on their own journey and so are we, so there’s no need to bring people in. As one who’s been established as a Christian, with Bible College training, six years as a camp counsellor, an avid advocate for service in the church, and extremely high moral standards I’ve kept an image of being this model Christian. This list slightly parallels the list Paul gave in his letter to the Philippian church (Philippians 3) in the sense that it embodies these outward things that Moral Christians and Pharisees use as evidence for a strong faith. It’s a cover-up.

The outwardly spiritual Christian is a sham, it’s bullsh-t to put it more bluntly and accurately (sorry to all the people who have never witnessed those words penned or spoken by me). 99.999994% of the time I don’t swear because I don’t believe it’s right, but in this instance that’s exactly how I feel about my very own Christianity: it’s bullsh-t (sorry; it won’t happen again)! Now, just because I’ve used the term about my Christianity, doesn’t give me licence to use the term against yours. But I’ve been faking being a spiritually true Christian for so long. I’ve lost the heart of flesh and took on a cold heart. I haven’t talked about my struggles, or what I truly felt for the sake of giving my youth boys an example of what a Christian was supposed to be. Though, in the process, I ended up showing them what I true Christian wasn’t. I can never take back the things I faked for their sake, but I can help others avoid that same path.

Be vulnerable.

It sounds simple, but as soon as you really start thing about what you need to be vulnerable about, it no longer seems as simple to you. But every Christian is struggling, some way more than others. And it doesn’t help that the church environment we have built in North America prizes those who are outwardly vocal about how much they know about the Bible, the outgoing Christian who goes “out of their way” to make it known they are the example Christian in their church (but they would never admit that, because being humble is a virtue and that saves face). I know that because I was one of those people. And for the longest time, I knew it, but I kept it a secret and kept faking it because you gotta fake it until you make it, am I right?

What does being vulnerable look like? It looks like less care for your Christian image and more care for your Christian heart. You have got to stop caring about looking like a good, spiritual, mature Christian for others. Christianity isn’t about image, it’s about heart. So those things that are holding back your heart from being one of flesh, share them. Just outward Christianity isn’t true Christianity, but if you’re open and honest with others about where your heart truly is, true Christianity can stem from it.

So a point of application for you: Be specific.

Don’t just say you struggle with pride or lust or closeness with God, but find someone you can tell specifics to. “I struggle with pride in this way…” or “I struggle with lust towards this person/this thing…” Growth doesn’t come from stating a general problem, growth comes from being vulnerable and jumping off that cliff; diving into the unknown. To trust not in your own skills of being able to fix your struggles in silence, but to be weak for one second, and rely on where gravity and the wind will take you.

This week is definitely a week that I’ve come to grips with that reality. That I should never rest easy in the way I look on the outside, because God sees your core, who you really are, and you cannot hide from that. So I need to be more open with what I struggle with, where I’ve gone wrong, and how — this is a big one to admit — I cannot, despite my best efforts, fix what’s wrong with my heart.

So thank you for reading this. I know it’s long and rant-y, but I think it was needed to be shared. So if you’re like me, be open a little bit more; you never know you may just hit the water feet first.

This past week we said goodbye to the School of Biblical Studies (or SBS for short). I’ve gotten to know some of these people really well over the last few weeks. I gave myself a challenge to actually get to know as many of the SBS students as possible in that three weeks because something told me it wouldn’t be that last time either.

So, here are a few photos that I’ve taken over the last couple of weeks of some of the SBSers I’ve gotten to know most.

It’s been a great couple of weeks. Especially with the reduction of cost to our outreach fees; from 10k to $8,300! That’s crazy; total God moment! Anyways, I just wanted to ask if you’d support me on my journey. Since I’ve been in Australia, I haven’t seen any money come in for support, and our outreach fees are due in just a couple short weeks, so I ask, if God has laid it on your heart to give, I urge you to answer that call. God has called me here, to the nations, and I believe he will provide. There’s not much I can do anymore to get the support I need other than ask, and trust that God provides. I have faith!

Well, I’m not super great with goodbyes, and this has been a long blog itself, so I’ll leave you with,

Shalom, stay merry and remember to be vulnerable!

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