The Dangers of Covert Psychological Abuse
Death By A Thousand Cuts
Are you bringing up an issue but always finding that you’re the one who ends up apologizing by the end of the discussion? Do you often feel confused, depressed or that your self-esteem is just not what it once was before the relationship? Does your partner talk down to you, reprimand, belittle or criticize you? Are you aware that something isn’t right about your relationship, but can’t quite put your finger on what it may be?
You may be experiencing psychological abuse.
Covert abuse refers to a form of psychological manipulation and control that is subtle, concealed, and often difficult to recognize when you’re experiencing it. Covert abuse, hidden abuse, and passive-aggressive abuse are all forms of psychological abuse typically employed by narcissistic individuals and can be difficult to detect because they are subtle and often occur in non-physical ways.
This form of abuse is difficult to spot but can have a detrimental impact on self-esteem due to the subtle and insidious nature of the tactics used. It’s important to recognize the impact of covert abuse on self-esteem, as it can significantly effect a person’s overall well-being and sense of worth. Remember, you should never be made to feel “smaller than”. Healthy relationships are those between two equals.
“Death by a thousand paper cuts” is a metaphor often used to describe covert abuse. It refers to a pattern of subtle, repetitive, and cumulative actions or behaviors that gradually erode a person’s well-being, self-esteem, and sense of self. Each individual action may be subtle, disguised, or easily dismissed by the abuser or others, making it challenging for the victim to recognize and address the abuse. The cumulative effect, however, can lead to a profound impact on the victim’s mental and emotional well-being.
Here’s how covert abuse can lower self-esteem:
Gaslighting:
Gaslighting is a common covert abuse tactic where the abuser manipulates the victim’s perception of reality. By constantly denying or distorting events, the victim starts doubting their own memory, perception, and judgment. Over time, this erodes their confidence and makes them question their own sanity, leading to a significant blow to their self-esteem. D.A.R.V.O. is an acronym that stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It describes a common pattern of response often employed by individuals engaging in gaslighting and manipulation tactics.
Undermining:
Covert abusers often undermine the victim’s self-esteem by constantly criticizing, belittling, or demeaning them. They may make subtle negative comments about the victim’s appearance, intelligence, abilities, these are sometimes disguised as jokes and gradually erode their self-confidence and self-worth. In the household this can include stating the victim isn’t able to complete housework “properly”, moving the goalpost and constantly finding fault in their partner.
Emotional Manipulation:
Covert abusers excel at blame shifting. They may shift the narrative and blame the victim for problems or failures, or use emotional blackmail to control their behavior. These tactics make the victim feel responsible for the abuser’s actions or emotions, leading to self-blame and a decrease in self-esteem.
Cognitive Dissonance:
Covert abuse often creates cognitive dissonance within the victim. They may simultaneously experience contradictory emotions, beliefs, or thoughts due to the manipulation and confusion caused by the abuser. This internal conflict can lead to self-doubt and a diminished sense of self-esteem.
Defining Psychological Abuse:
Additionally, the Power and Control Wheel is a model that illustrates various tactics used by abusers to gain power and maintain control over their victims in the context of domestic violence. While covert abuse may not be explicitly depicted on the traditional Power and Control Wheel, the behaviors associated with covert abuse can fall under several categories on the wheel such as emotional abuse. However, Clare Murphy, PhD, a renowned psychologist, sheds light on this hidden reality by introducing the Psychological Abuse Wheel.
This innovative model expands our understanding of the dynamics of domestic violence, emphasizing the centrality of power and control as the ultimate goal. By examining the intricate patterns of psychological abuse, we gain insight into the pervasive and destructive nature of this form of mistreatment. By shifting the focus from physical violence to the pervasive nature of psychological control, we uncover a world of manipulation, mind games, and coercive tactics.
Some of these tactics include:
Emotional Unkindness:
Emotional unkindness refers to both actively doing something unkind and failing to do something kind. It involves neglecting emotional needs such as support, understanding, and compassion. Examples of emotional unkindness include ignoring conversations, showing little attention or empathy, rejecting and withdrawing, and lacking care or concern during times of need. When emotional kindness is used as a manipulative tactic, it violates trust. Red flags of a major problem include a partner refusing to take responsibility, denying harm, minimizing experiences, or blaming the victim. Emotional unkindness can have long-term effects and worsen over time. It manifests through acts like disregarding someone’s feelings, withholding care and support, breaking promises, and using possessive jealousy as an excuse for mistreatment.
Mind Games:
Abusers who engage in one-sided power games prioritize their own benefits and control over others. These games involve multiple tactics, and if one fails, they switch to another. These abusers expect others to obey their rules. They ignore their your opinions and prioritize their own wants over the victim’s. These include the abuser creating confusion, guilt trips, frequently questioning your judgment, manipulating with lies, if you withdraw they punish and if you reach out out they reject, behaves differently when people visit, and charming in public but abusive in private.
Cyber Abuse:
Digital voyeurism is a type of cyberstalking where abusers use various technologies to control their current or former partners. This includes monitoring their activities when unwelcome to do so. This can be by creating additional fake accounts to monitor their actives when blocked, getting other to monitor them on your behalf or as extreme as tapping phone lines, installing hidden cameras and listening devices, accessing their internet banking, and reviewing message history on communication devices. Other forms of cyberstalking involve sending excessive and unwelcome texts, calls, and voice messages, checking through their phones for contacts and messages, and using GPS and caller ID to track and pursue them.
“Do they know what they’re doing?”
Is a common question among people who have experienced psychological abuse. The answer is yes yet it’s also complicated.
Yes they do know what they are doing yet some narcissistic abusers may not acknowledge their own abusive behavior. Consequently, they may interpret their actions as necessary, warranted, or justified. Narcissistic people may see themselves as the hero in their narrative due to confabulation and the need to protect the grandiose self image. When confronted they will deny it, after all nobody wants to be accused of being an abuser.
Obviously though, an abuser is not a good source of truth for identifying abuse. Narcissistic individuals typically have limited empathy and struggle to understand or acknowledge the feelings and experiences of others. Their focus is primarily on fulfilling their own needs and desires. They often struggle with self-awareness and have difficulty caring or acknowledging how their actions impact others.
It is essential to note that while some narcissistic abusers may lack acknowledgment, it does not excuse or justify their actions. The harm caused by their behaviors is real, regardless of their level of awareness. Victims of abuse should prioritize their own safety, well-being, and seek support from professionals who can help navigate the complexities of these relationships.
