Everyone loves a dramatic story about some chic that parties hard, sleeps with many, and does crazy things that are perfect material for the tabloids; until she is no longer attractive, in her 30’s and is no longer seeking the spotlight but instead just wants to be a semi-normal gal running a business and eating dinner on the patio with her long term dude. No one gives a crap where the party animal ends up; but from my experience it’s usually in a cage of their own making.

Hi, my name is ‘Nonymous and I’m an addict.

I honestly don’t expect anyone to care about this revelation on my part. It’s not as if addicts are anything new and exciting. I would love to say that my story is really riveting; every sentence is one filled with the terror and scandal, but just like most of what I do that too would be a let down.

Sure, I’ve had quite a few seedy moments acting in shameful ways that no mother would want knowledge of. Sure, I have behaved loud and inappropriately on my knees in the basement of guys houses just so I could get a piece of the drug action. Or was that really because I wanted some attention for a few moments? I am fairly certain it was both. No knew knowledge to anyone in the American culture. Drugs and girls with low self esteem doing them is pretty much a cliché here in the states.

Perhaps I will share stories about how my father was a schizophrenic bi-polar junkie who got high with me until the day he overdosed. There’s a good chance I will share stories about how I was a run away adolescent that lived in many unsavory men’s houses just to be rid of my Christ fearing mother. Not to mention how I stole money from family members, was arrested for two DUI’s, ate so much ecstasy that I literally forgot who or where I was. Who knows if you want to hear the parts about how I actually got my shit together, got sober, married, went back to school to get on the deans list, to becoming bored of the straight and narrow only to return to Baltimore to F it all up again.

That’s right, I actually was a sober-had-it-all-together-lost-all-the-partying-weight-hottie that threw it all away because that was not the exciting life I really wanted.

Now, back in Baltimore I have created a great little life for myself on the outside. The business I quit my security blanket job for putting all my retirement money into is running fairly decently, my relationship with my new guy is pretty comfy and he treats me like a princess, we have a house, etc etc; but I am only a shell of my full self. There is so much more inside of me that is stuck inside of my casing, shaking the bones, the structure of myself longing to be free. I am not truly happy and I never will be as long as I am living half assed. I have become a full assed fatty living a half assed existence.

Work meetings that include cocktails always turn into all nighters that include me missing a meeting the next morning with a client. Networking events that include cocktails always turn into all nighters that include me missing a meeting with my team, the team I am supposed to lead. Concerts with friends turn into all nighters that include me missing exercise and eating hamburgers from a window because that is really the only cuisine my stomach can handle. See a pattern here?

“One drink is too many, a thousand never enough” When the shoe fits, wear it. That quote is definitely one of mine.

I’m not here for your pity. I am here for your support. I am here for you to yell at me if I slip. I am here for you tell me that I can do it this time. I am here for you to tell me I am not alone and that the life I think I want is ten times better on the other side. I am here for you to shame me in public if you see me behaving the moron I have been behaving like for years..

I am here to share my story

Please let me talk to you earthly abyss of faces about my journey, where it started, where it’s going, and how it feels along the way. Maybe no one is listening. But, maybe, just maybe, at least one person is