An Open Letter to Donald J. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Congratulations on making it this far in the elections. You are on the cusp of the presidency! However, the presidential debates start in less than eight weeks and you need to be in tip-top shape to face your formidable opponent. The Noodle Pros are not only some of the greatest tutors in America, but also Americans who want to do our part to keep our country great. We are here to help with our expert tutoring. Here’s how.

Spelling and Grammar:

Since your tweets are prolific and widely-shared, you will want to show the nation (and the world) that you have mastered the conventions of standard English. For instance, it is crucial to spell “assault” and “judgment” correctly when outlining your policies. We can help you brush up on grammar too.

We have tutors who have been teaching the English sections of the SAT and ACT for almost 30 years. Their job is to ensure that students have mastered the finer points of the English language. If they can’t fix your spelling and grammar, no one can.

Environmental Science:

When it comes to the environment, you may want to consider using one of our top science tutors to help you craft policy positions. For example, in November 2012, you tweeted:

Yes, the science behind global warming can be confusing. Luckily, we have tutors who have taught on the physical sciences faculties of some of our nation’s top universities. They regularly help our students ace the MCAT and AP science classes. They can help you, too, understand essential scientific concepts using their fun and engaging methods. Our students learn to think critically, speak eloquently, and make evidence-based arguments on complex topics like climate change. So will you after you’ve worked with a Noodle Pro.

Public Speaking:

This is the one essential skill no real presidential candidate can do without. We have tutors who have spent their lives helping students craft GMAT and GRE essays and master the nuanced arguments on the LSAT. We can match you with a Harvard-educated Noodle Pro whose theater degree and acting skills can help you make your points seem cogent and articulate.

Our tutors can also help you narrow your focus so that minor inconveniences no longer distract you, and your arguments are at least linguistically correct.

World History:

You will definitely need a working knowledge of US and World History. Luckily, we see high school students every day who struggle in their history classes and are in need of a crash course before their exams. Our tutors are inspiring mentors who will use fun mnemonics and the latest learning technology to help you remember pesky facts like figures and dates. If you really apply yourself, we’ll get you prepped with all the US and world history knowledge you need for those ever-important debates.

Computer Science:

You have expressed a desire to “close down the Internet in some way,” but you are hazy on exactly how you would do so. One of our ace computer science tutors will be able to break it down for you. He has Applied Math and Computer Science degrees from Stanford, and 26 years of tutoring experience. This is the guy you want in your corner when you meet with Bill Gates to hash out the future of the Internet.

Memory Retrieval:

Even though we live in an era of teleprompters, you will be on your own up on that debate stage. You will need someone who can help you retrieve the facts you need under the pressure of a national debate. We’ve got a great tutor who knows every method and trick to help you remember even the most arcane and trivial bits of information.

For example, in an interview with Bill O’Reilly, you told him, “There’s nobody bigger or better at the military than I am.” With a Noodle Pro, you would never have forgotten that you deferred action from the military draft five separate times and would go on to have almost nothing to do with the military for the duration of your business career. She could also train you to practice before the debates, so you actually appear to be knowledgeable.

Don, we specialize in helping students perform well under pressure, and we love a good challenge. We can’t promise that it will be easy, but we can supply you with the best tutors money can buy. With hard work and great coaching, you too can be informed, articulate, and possibly even presidential. We offer our services to make you great[er] a̶g̶a̶i̶n̶. Contact us on our website as soon as possible; our tutors are standing by. The clock is ticking. Best of luck!

Sincerely,

The Noodle Pros