Love — self reflection : Why am I always into the wrong one (part 1)

1. THE MAGNET

Don’t ask me why I kept falling for this guy. I have fucking no idea. We met last year through a backpacking forum called Phượt — a very popular forum for young backpackers in Vietnam. Although he couldn’t join the trip as planned, we exchanged a few messages and learned that we are both crazy and undisciplined. Things he has going for him: he studied Architect, full time architect now, owns a mini bike, he likes things that are typical of men — playing gyms, driving motorcycles and mini bikes, like reading anime as One Pieces. Plus, the chat was fun and comfortable. This guy knew how to made me laugh.

I asked him out for a movie, not a date, an appointment with him and my friend. He said yes very easily. He was silent in the meeting. We watched a horror movie, and then had dinner together. The appointment, let’s say, was boring and full of awkward silence.

We kept chatting, but the chat somehow went to the dead end. Then, something happened. I persuaded him to take me out to the Dong Nai river, and he agreed. We hang out for one full day, he rode his mini bike to pick me up at my house and took me to the river, 50kms from Sai Gon city. He lifted my helmet from the grass (when I run to take photos), took one extra warm coat for me, be nice to me on the whole trip. Out of expectation, he told me all his love life stories, even some description about his family. But, yup, always a But. He had never asked me back. This guy may needed a listener, or he really wanted to scare me away. At the end of the story, there were 3 things that he tried to highlight: he was picky, he gave all his heart when he loved someone, and he was looking for a decent wife. Well, later on, I learn that if any guys give you one of these 2 hints as never act curious or asking you any questions about your life or/and mention the fact that he’s a picky person, he’s actually not into you. All he wants to communicates is you are belong to his backup plan. Ignore all the words he may use when talking to you as cutie, babie, sweetie…, it doesn’t mean a thing at all.

We continued texting, chatting and even meeting a couple times for lunch and cafe. I knew from the start he wasn’t really into me, but his story really got me, the story of a second boy who loves his parents so much, the story of his dad got tired from the current politics and gave up his dream, the story of his dream to build a new house for his parents, and to have his own business. Logically, he seemed like an ambitious, nice enough man that I want to live with. Emotionally, there are some things that click and others that don’t, but there’s a definite chemistry of some kind between us. We can flirt, but we can’t really carry much of a conversation otherwise. That made me to decide if things couldn’t go further, I must stop it.

My mistake was not really decisive as I was supposed to be. It took me 1 year to finally put the end for it. We met, we talked, we fought, we hang out, we agreed, we found some click, we disagreed. Things got worse as I was so confusing. Later on, I learn that if a man’s really into you, he will never let you wait, he will make things happen no matter how different your guy’s background and personality are. Things as to ask you out, prioritize his time for you, not let you wait for his text/call, and never let you go.

Until I figured out that he’s seeing someone during that time, I’ve had enough courage to bring things to the table and later, not see him anymore. We had multiple clear conversations to end this confusing relationship. On our final meeting, I found out that he couldn’t remember my university major, and my first company , which I remembered mentioning about them several times previous. All of those time, I were waiting for something to magically appear. It might be the spark will happen to be there. But well, I learn that sparks don’t ever magically appear — they’re either there or they’re not. Instead, listen to my gut. If chemistry is there for both sides, we’ll know and we’ll make things happen. If not, why waste my precious time?

Sum up, my lesson:

1- Find someone who acts curious/asks you questions about your life

2- Find someone who listens to you

3- Find someone who acts

4- Never ever settle with anything less than you deserve. Things as backup plan, change your whole value, …

5- Really communicate it CLEAR and EARLY