We are NEVER upset for the reason we think —here’s why.

A few years ago I was hiking in gorgeous Marin County, just north of San Francisco, with a dear friend of mine and we were having a deep conversation about life when I decided to share with her the story of my attempted suicide, from back when I was 21 or 22 years old.

I’ll share the basics of that story here just for context, but I think it illustrates the point beautifully, the point being the title of this post, that we are never upset for the reason(s) we think.

When I was in college, I had a summer job where I sold educational books door to door. To say the job was challenging would be a major understatement. I was knocking on doors, in a town provided me, selling these books about 80 hours per week, all in the name of personal growth, real life sales and business experience, a chance to make great money and resume building.

I finished my first summer selling just over the average amount, and this was while skipping work maybe 1/3rd of the time. I figured if I realy buckled down and focused, I could rock this job and take off, I felt I could really prove myself. So I came back for a second summer, even bring out another college student, Eric, that I had recruited, so I was not just a salesperson again, I was also a manager/coach of sorts. It was a pretty cool experience, and I had lofty goals for this second summer.

The second summer, however, was even more challenging for me to stay on schedule and I found myself barely working, I worked maybe 10% of the time, many times taking complete days off in a row, usually depressed sitting in a movie theater or a park, hanging out with my rather large beat up-stick, especially since I had a first year salesperson with me that looked up to me for leadership, accountability and inspiration.

I kept telling myself, “Tomorrow. Tomorrow I’m going to work all day, and I’m going to crush it, starting tomorrow and for the entire rest of the summer.” Deep down inside though, I knew I was fooling myself. I knew that tomorrow wouldn’t come but I was too scared to face whatever I was feeling right then in the moment and the idea of tomorrow always brought with it some sense of relief, however deep in the sand I knew my head was.

Week after week went by (it was a 13 week internship) and before I knew it, the summer was half gone, and I had been filling out sales reports falsely. I had been lying to the team of other college students, my friends, that had come out with me and to the leadership team, including my direct sales manager whom I heavily respected and admired. Even Eric, my recruit, thought I was doing above average, and just on the verge of busting loose, which is the impression I was spreading.

One day I woke up and realized it was too late. As reality sunk in, I became terrified of the truth getting out. I was so scared of people finding out that I was a fraud and a liar, that I was a loser. This was such a terrifying thought that I decided to go out and end my life, I decided that that would be less painful, less tragic than coming clean and showing everyone what I really was.

So I attempted suicide.

I failed.

After sharing this story, my friend was confused, she couldn’t understand why a book sales job would have me want to end my life. And as I thought about this, and took in her confusion, I sort of felt silly for taking such extreme action all in the name of a silly job. I realized, the reason I attempted suicide, must have run deeper, that it actually had nothing to do with selling books, nothing even to do with that summer in any way shape or form. I would think about this a lot, asking myself questions like, “Why was it so important that I succeed? Why was I spending so much time and energy trying to prove myself? Who was I trying to impress? Why did I care so much, to the point of such extreme action? What was my real motivation for signing up to sell books?”

I was raised in a cold family environment. I was being punished almost constantly. I’ll spare the details, but I was terrified for most of growing up and I didn’t feel seen or loved. The idea (the false belief or wound) that I needed to be successful, that I needed to be a shining star and a powerful leader, to be loved, had taken root and become a full on driving force in my mind. That belief was unconscious. I actually thought I had pure intentions for signing up for stuff like selling books door to door for 80 hours per week. I didn’t know at the time that signing up for this program, and that my attempt to make lots of money and be successful was really an attempt to be seen, loved and accepted by others.

During that second summer, I was in pain. I was upset. And I thought a successful season selling books would take away the pain. But one thing had nothing to do with the other. This became so clear to me a few years back when I was eagerly studying A Course In Miracles and lesson #5 totally resonated with me; it says, “I am never upset for the reason I think.” Never. This is profound when you let that settle in to the depths of your mind.

Upset is any experience that is not joyful, like in lesson 5, The Course lists, fear, worry, depression, anxiety, anger, hatred, jealousy, etc. All negative feelings are a form of upset. They all point to the same thing — a wound in your mind that you put there and has nothing to do with present circumstances. Your present circumstances are simply touching (or maybe punching and kicking) your buttons, all created in the past (by you) and stuffed down into your unconscious (by you).

Looking back, it is obvious to see that I had some major inner trauma that I had not dealt with and this was now playing itself out. Thank God my suicide attempt failed and now I have had the opportunity make the unconscious conscious, I’ve been able to really look at the darkness in my mind (all put there by me, innocently, to protect me from that I had judged scary) and deal with it.

I have done a lot of healing before A Course In Miracles, but for the first time in my life, from reading The Course, I feel like I now have a clear road map for understanding this reality and my mind. Now I can see how and why I have placed each limiting belief, each wound, in my mind and how to heal it.

One thing that drew me to The Course, and then kept me absorbed in the lessons, is that The Course is completely unapologetic. It’s like in The Matrix, Morpheus telling Neo, “All I’m offering is the truth, nothing more.” And what I’m hearing from The Course is that I am responsible for how I experience everything in my reality, and when I hear this message clearly, I see that there is nothing victim in this perspective, only power.

I feel like The Course is simply offering me the truth, and what I choose to do with the truth is completely up to me. It’s like there are two roads in front of me, and these two roads have always been the only two roads ever in front of me, just now seen clearly for the first time — one road is to keep pointing my finger out at the world blaming other people, organizations, circumstances and the weather for the way I feel, and the other road is to wake up and remember what I am.

This second road, I believe, leads to the life of my dreams. And for me personally, my second road is paved with gentleness and compassion for myself and others.