A Decision That Forever Broke My Heart
It was a gloomy afternoon day on September 29, 2011, he called and said, “this is the last time I am going to ask you. All these years, I have been clear with my intentions and I am sincere about it. If you say NO, then I will leave you in peace and not bother you again. But, if you like me in any way or have feelings for me, then my intentions are pure. I want to marry you.” I was trembling the whole time he was talking, I couldn’t utter a single word and when he finished, I hung up. Then, minutes later I texted him “I’m sorry, but I think you deserve someone better. So NO.”
“Anytime gone by was better,” said the Spanish poet and soldier Jorge Manrique. This line proves that people across ages experience a common feeling, a longing for the past. Have you regretted a decision in your life, or wished you could turn back time and do things differently? I have. I long for and regret over lost love.
Have you watched the movie “My Best Friend’s Wedding” that starred Julia Roberts? There was this scene in that movie, she told her best friend “I have this gigantic favor to ask of you; choose me, marry me, let me make you happy.” I thought, scenes like that only happen in romantic movies. I was wrong. The lines may be different, but it happened to me.
I wanted to keep it to myself because it was the most embarrassing and hurting moment of my entire life. A decade has passed, but every time I remember, I still cry my heart out and wanted the earth to swallow me. I often wonder, if there is anyone out there who has been through the same. Perhaps, it will help to share my story and find others who share the same experience.
Please don’t trivialize my pain or judge me for the decisions I made. Let me start my story by saying, there was this one man, the love of my life. He was the only man I measure, everyone against. But, I made a decision that forever broke my heart.
I have known this man since my high school days. A very smart and wonderful person, and has a very good disposition in life. He pursued me from our sophomore years up until we were professionals and working. He is an accountant and lawyer, while I am a teacher.
I loved him, that I am sure of now. But, I was so afraid back then. Afraid of what? I don’t know and I still don’t know until now. What I know is, I was raised in a conservative environment, and my faith and culture do not allow going into relationships before marriage. I guess I could say, I was an obedient child. I didn’t want to let my family down, so I was always focused on doing good in everything. Even then, he never stopped. He did so much for too long to prove his intentions.
It was a gloomy afternoon day on September 29, 2011, he called and said, “this is the last time I am going to ask you. All these years, I have been clear with my intentions and I am sincere about it. If you say NO, then I will leave you in peace and not bother you again. But, if you like me in any way or have feelings for me, then my intentions are pure. I want to marry you.” I was trembling the whole time he was talking, I couldn’t utter a single word and when he finished, I hung up. Then, minutes later I texted him “I’m sorry, but I think you deserve someone better. So NO.”
And I never heard from him again. He would avoid me in places and events. No text, not even on social media. Nothing at all, for years.
In 2014, I got a scholarship and studied masters at the University of Newcastle in Australia. Just a few months after I started my study in Australia, I was surprised to get a personal message from him on Facebook. He said hello and asked how I was doing. That casual hi and hello turned into conversations, but they were always about his work and my study. He would ask me how I got the scholarship and my day-to-day experiences in Australia.
On the other hand, I have a housemate a scholar as well. We clicked and instantly became best friends. I opened up to her about him and that he is messaging me on Facebook again after so many years. She is this bubbly, sweet, and in the middle of the conservative and modern type of girl. She said, why not try to turn your conversation into something that may rekindle love. We would often joke around and think of ways on how I can make use of our Facebook chats. She would often tell me, “girl you gotta give your man a hint, they’re not fortune tellers,” But, I just couldn’t have the courage. And when I finally did, it was the wrong timing.
One day, he messaged me again and we started chatting, the usual. I don’t know how I did it, but this was the most embarrassing and hurting moment of my entire life. I said “I couldn’t believe that we’d be chatting again after so many years. I want you to know that you made me so happy to see the old you again” with all the ‘you’re stupid if you don’t get it I’m in love with you’ emoticons.
Then, he joked about me leaving him broken-hearted. But, it was when he said something about wishing he could turn back time and waited to see if the feeling was mutual that I preceded to send him the most desperate message I have ever written. I couldn’t bring myself to share you that message, but it was a confession of how I felt for him and if I could turn back time, I would have given him a different response. And that all these years, it was always him and only him. It was so lengthy, I promise, and pathetic.
God, I wish I could delete that part of my life.
Then he fell silent, no response at all. He saw my message but he did not reply. I was so confused. He never chatted with me again for days nor was he online. 6 days later, he messaged and asked for my number. He made a long-distance call.
I can still hear his voice, it was so little I could hardly make out the words, and he kept on sighing. He said, he did not know what to say and he could not describe what he felt after reading my message. He said if you had only told me a year earlier. I couldn’t hear the rest of the words he said after saying “I am getting married in less than a month. I love her very much. I’m sorry.” I wanted to vanish then and wished the earth to swallow me. It hurts so much.
I don’t know how I was able to finish that call or how I was able to finish my Master’s. I don’t know how I survived and lived OK to this date. But, every time I go to bed, I remember. They say “time heals all wounds.” It doesn’t, you just get used to the pain.
He married a lawyer as well. She is pretty and a wonderful person, like him. Fast forward to 2022, they now have 2 kids and from the looks of their pictures, they are happy. Whereas, I am still single. There have been others, but I couldn’t seem to find the right one. Is it because I always compare them to him? I don’t know if something is wrong with me or was traumatized and too afraid of getting hurt?
I have learned, that line from the same movie “My Best Friend’s Wedding” is true. “If you love someone, you say it right then, out loud. Otherwise, the moon may just pass you by.”
I don’t know if I should blame my conservative upbringing and culture or that one unfortunate circumstance back in 2011, why I am in my early 40s, but have never been in a relationship. Yes, weird right? But, I am single and have never been in a relationship. Is it fate or wrong decision, will I ever get married or move on from my past, and stop regretting? I am happy for him, but will I ever find my happy ending too?
