My Ophelia Moment,
It’s easy to judge without never knowing my pain
All I have ever wanted to be is the best mother I could be
Hearing that I have been abusing you for years without realizing it was the worst thing I ever heard
I protected you in utero, as infant, toddler, child and teen.
I’ve provided a lap to sit on a shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold
I’ve fed you from my breast and the last can of tuna and with the last dollar I had
I loved you from the minute I knew I was pregnant and always will
My Ophelia Moment was an attempt to take my life so as never to hurt you again
I took off my jewelry, any form of identification and any way of being found I took off my shoes, I kissed you goodbye without you knowing that’s what it was and walked out to the woods like an ill animal to die alone
I took my Leather man out of my pocket pulled out the knife and thought about the best place to cut
I know the wrist cutting is in effective and jugular vein would be scary for me. I chose to cut into my groin as I know the aorta branches into the groin to supply the legs with blood
The first piercing of the skin was painful I took a deep breath and went in further
I finally reached what I believe was the vein and attempted to cut it. Little did I know it was elastic like a rubber band and refused to be cut. It defiantly bounced off the knife each time I tried to cut it. I pulled out the blade and tried a different blade thinking the first one was too dull, that too led only to a rebounding vessel. I slipped on the wet leaves and mud as the blade wen deeper into my groin and yet still could not cut the vessel. I attempted for hours unsuccessfully.
Suddenly the clouds moved and exposed the brightest full moon I have ever seen and it’s light washed over me
It was as if God was telling me that he was with me and it was not my time. I prayed for guidance as I walked back home.
As I walked the dark windy road home in the street I still prayed to be hit by car and end my pain. Another unanswered prayer.
As I approached the house I saw a police car and as he pulled up to me asked if I was “okay”. I told him I was home and had just gone out for a walk
The look of disdain on His face is unforgettable. He didn’t know where I had been, why I was gone or what I was feeling
I don’t think he cared
Nothing will ever been the same.
I continue to feel your pain and rejection every time you see me
Little do you know that I did it to stop hurting you. You writing me off is accomplishing the same goal. I will never be able to hurt you again as long as you stay away from me
You also will not be able to feel my never ending love for you
I hope one day to be allowed to love you more than from a distance
My Ophelia Moment may be seen as selfish but I saw it as a way to stop hurting you or anyone else.
I’m in a better place now but you will never know