Kevin O’Leary Lobotomy Fund

One of Canada’s most notorious moguls and famed business personalities is seeking your assistance in funding his prescribed lobotomy.

The intention is to fund a procedure to treat and possibly cure his pathological inclinations while avoiding harm to his physical health. Convinced the public may benefit, Mr. O’Leary has refused to provide any funding for the procedure himself.

Sociopathic Conduct

A few recent public examples.

This sociopathic obsession with his wealth, economic dominance at any cost to society, his admiration of fascist ideologues and his delusions of grandeur prove he is a danger to the citizens of the world and to Canada, a country which he aims to lead as Prime Minister.

The Lobotomy

According to 19th century Swiss scientists, a lobotomy is meant to provide “mental and physical amelioration for intractable pathological conditions.”

Mr. O’Leary’s selfish conduct has been encouraged as public spectacle for many years rather than accepted as a deeply rooted medical condition. His behaviour has become so reinforced that it can now only be reversed with a radical procedure. The intention is to destroy select fibres in his brain to dull his emotions and render him a less complacent person — one with some semblance of humanity and empathy for the people around him.

Illustration for dramatic effect

Doctors have determined that swelling around the eyes resulting from the relatively modern trans-orbital lobotomy may further hinder Mr. O’Leary’s already impeded vision caused by his permanent contemptuous squinting. Skilled surgeons will instead perform a traditional leukotomy, in which they will drill a hole into Mr. O’Leary’s skull to access and sever the fibres connecting the two hemispheres of his brain.

Following the procedure, he will be assessed using the Psychopathy Checklist (PCL-R) and observed for emotional responses, empathy and persisting signs of sociopathy before being sent on his return flight to America. We expect him to be functional, regain his ability to walk and use the toilet without assistance shortly after Valentine’s day — sufficient capacity to continue his campaign for the upcoming Conservative Party leadership election.

Lobotomies are rarely performed today. It benefits patients with only the most profound mental derangements in which therapy will never respond, as is the case with Mr. O’Leary. With that in mind and after a rigorous search for a reliable, yet fiscally prudent solution, we have found a talented team of Chinese military doctors courageous enough to perform such an operation on one the most (if not the most) well-regarded living personalities.

Funding

Mr. O’Leary will be transported and flown in economy class, from his current residence in Boston to the 454 Military Hospital in Nanjing, China.

The funds raised will cover transit expenses, lodging, surgery and a single-day admission to the Nanjing Museum where he can enjoy the beautiful collection of Imperial porcelain and tapestry. The doctors in Nanjing proposed this museum visit as an immediate opportunity to stimulate the growth of normal, healthy neural connections in Mr. O’Leary’s brain after his procedure.

Any additional funds raised will support his recovery and care upon his return to Boston. With enough funding, he will be supplied with a gold plug, embossed with a dollar sign or symbol of his choice to seal the burr hole disfiguring his vulnerable, balding scalp.

This opportunity is one in a lifetime as it is Mr. O’Leary’s sole act of selflessness. It would be a public breakthrough, providing protection and insurance not only to Canadian society but most importantly to himself.

Please donate to this very important cause.