The Empty Nesters Guide to Decluttering and Downsizing

Let me tell you a story in my first posting ever to Medium - an overview from experience of things you have to contend with if you ever get tasked to Declutter or Downsize your home voluntarily or perhaps not. You might find it useful to share and refer to when your time comes. Enjoy — and maybe tell me how I did!

It is not easy to one day face up to having to downsize a family home and because of that having to declutter everything before you can start a new chapter of your life. Is it fun? One day maybe — but whatever you’ve read or seen about this topic, you are doing well if after the fact you are still in love with your partner and haven’t been beaned by an errant, well timed kitchen missile! In other words if you get out of this alive and together you are doing just fine.

In theory Decluttering and Downsizing go together, one before the other — but you quickly learn that it is not that simple; they are a serious wrench and life-changing experience. Is it fun? It can be, but there are times when it is anything but unless you have the discipline to keep things under control. It is really hard work mentally and physically and can purge your life in ways you might not imagine possible. At least that is what the experts would have you believe. Experience shows that if you can get through it all without doing serious injury to yourself or anyone else, you are doing very well indeed. And it really helps if you can start from what I call a ‘normal’ position and are not contending with a hoarder. Thus if you stay on top of how much ‘stuff’ you have lying around in the first place, the decluttering is that much easier when the day comes. If not, you have a much bigger issue to contend with and it may just be easier to rent a garbage container. We fell in the former category.

It all started when our adult children spread their wings and flew the coop making us “empty nesters”. We understood their motives and whether we were ready to be left alone again or not was not the issue. We encouraged them both to follow their dreams with our support and that was that. We gave them all kinds of stuff to start their new homes and forgave them for leaving us with a nice back-split headache.

Our decision really made sense and was a fait accompli. I married a wonderful girl who made the house into our home — but we are not getting any younger; the joints were creaking inside and out; the beautiful garden seemed to give us more headaches and strains than pleasure. And my living with MS for nearly two decades did not help. We knew the home would sell better now rather than letting it start to ‘run-down’. So the actual decision to downsize was rather matter-of-fact, forcing the necessity to ‘declutter’ because there was no way we could ‘stage’ the house for sale unless we did — and everything we could keep just had to fit in a compact new home. Essentially downsizing forced the decluttering!

We had an average suburban family raising two adorable (most of the time) kids — and after decades we managed to accumulate enough stuff to sink the Titanic! We had boxes of accumulated memories mixed with camping gear, clothes, computer stuff, video tapes, a canoe, books — boy did we have books, magazines, Tropical fish, programs, toys — you name it. We were simply gobsmacked once we started decluttering to find how much stuff we had accumulated over the years that was sitting quietly in nooks and crannies everywhere all over the bloody house! Unattended, this stuff actually grows when left alone so there was no debate that the decluttering demon had to be faced head on!

We knew from the get go and experience, if this project was to be a success it had to be managed with precision, like a military exercise. We had moved our homes before over the years but not for a long time. Yet we were mature enough to know what had to be done and how to do it all. Well so we thought!

We focussed on where we hoped to end up, even though we had no idea where that might be. Initially that made things a bit trickier but we did not panic. Thinking backwards was the best approach to start so we decided we would keep what we really wanted or needed to survive and (gulp) jettison the rest. That at least was the plan but the first rule of planning any project is “that nothing ever goes according to plan” and we kept that in mind through every stage of this project.

Where do you begin to start? You simply cannot fit the contents of an everyday 4-bedroom house into a 2-bedroom condo — it’s that simple and non negotiable — so reality quickly sets in to get it done preferably without coming to blows. That’s not quite as easy. The solution we found was to have open loving communication; ours is a partnership and we set clear lines of demarkation that came down essentially to: what’s mine is hers and the rest is hers too. But I work from my home office so to make me feel better, stuff there was my left as my responsibility. That was easy! Thank God I married my best friend. It really helped and we both managed to stay sane.

Our priorities were fairly clear and so that started the first of countless lists — accepting that lousy handwriting is always better than a good memory. Success is in the details so we kept ‘in-sync’ using our smart phones yet nothing was a good as the invaluable sticky Post-It™ notes that adorned the place. When things start to get serious they tend to get a bit weird unless you write stuff down and once you open the gate it is really important to keep track.

Next? Well the decision was made to sell the house but we also had to find somewhere to buy as well. So which comes first — the chicken or the egg? Actually they both arrive pretty much at the same time because as soon as you list a house for sale, the snowball starts rolling down the hill. You get forced to make the “old” place showable for people to see and hopefully decide to buy for the best price you can get! So starts the decluttering process which means stripping the place of all the things which make the house your home. To do it can be a real gut-check.

We started taking things slowly, bit by bit, room by room, looking at all the ‘stuff’ that had accumulated over decades raising two healthy, happy children. There was much choking back of parental memories and painful to think about how much all this now redundant stuff had cost when new!

Serious decluttering requires a steely resolve. It’s not as easy as you think to control your emotions especially when looking at a once cherished heirloom that was now so past it’s best-before date it was not funny. Anyone who tells you this is easy or therapeutic to do doesn’t know what they are talking about because it all tugs at your heartstrings — well some of it does. Some decisions are easy; others are anything but. The cherished gallon scotch bottle I emptied years ago was a good example. It had followed me and survived intact to hold spare coins. I couldn’t just send that heirloom to the recyclers and won that one. But you have to compromise on things most of the time — remembering that at the end of the day you have to sleep together.

To sort all this out we figured the stuff in three fairly clear categories. Every item in the house was thus scrutinized, tagged and decisions were (gulp) made:

1. Absolutely must have/keep.
2. Nice to have if it can fit.
3. Not needed/Won’t fit/Out of style/Can live without/Dead/Surplus/Duplicates/Obsolete.

To ease some of the self-inflicted necessary pain, Category 3 items were quickly dispatched outside to the garage; inventory to be sold. Out of sight/Out of mind was a good way to ease stress and only a few decisions were actually repealed. It really helped that I married a sensible girl who is much neater than me and has great taste when it comes to style. On the other hand I like to collect useful mementos and things: beer glasses, coffee mugs, caps, buttons, badges, pens, pictures etc. — stuff she eloquently calls ‘crap’. So as the overall mission called for a cold bloodied attitude and tough decisions just had to be made. She was much better than me consigning stuff — especially mine(!) to the garage. I think secretly she enjoyed that, but it had to be done — and her smile captivated me as always.

The garage filled up and although we gave a lot of stuff away to family and friends, eventually we needed five Garage Sales to clear it all. Larger items were photographed and posted on websites like Kijiji and slowly but surely with fair Spring weather, stuff kept wandering down the driveway leaving a little chump change behind.

The decluttering phase moved into high gear with those garage sales. Neighbours and friends seeing a ‘For Sale’ sign inquisitively asked our reasons for leaving a great neighbourhood. Most understood and respected our decision; happy to know it wasn’t because of them. There was a small shockwave when they saw the sign because we did not talk much about our decision in advance. The good news was that nobody said, ‘You must be out of your mind’ or ‘Good riddance!’ Many stopped over to chat with us. We’re mostly in the same age zone and raised our kids together so it was surprising how many noted that they were dreading the same inevitable day when they too would face the Downsizing decision. They knew their time would come one day but in the interim kindly pitched in to help us, watching, learning, taking notes and drinking gallons of my coffee, tea and beer.

This phase was a combination of fun, frustration, exhaustion and some pain. It was nuts because the clock was ticking to sell the house and at the same time we started scouting about for somewhere to move to. You have no choice but to just take it all one day at a time and keep faith that you are making a good or right decision. No doubt a few prayers helped too.

Our ‘Top Ten Tasks’ list kept everything in some kind of logical order and became the control list:

1. Declutter. Temporarily store excess in Garage, label and price tag.
2. Make the house ready to present for sale.
3. Hire an Agent. List the house and sell it for as good a deal as we can get.
4. Garage sale(s). Clear the excess.
5. Find and buy a suitable new place.
6. Box up and pack what’s left.
7. Hire movers.
8. Move.
9. Unpack, set up and reconnect stuff.
10. Sleep.

The decluttering obviously took priority while we scoped the market for a new place to downsize to. An Agent was hired; the sign was put up. And we took a deep breath — but we were going to do this!

Garage Sales are an eye opener to a different dimension: a fascinating exercise to barter and sell ‘good stuff’ cheap to people you have never seen before, from all walks of life, at an event where nobody wants to pay even a dime unless they are getting a deal on anything. The whole exercise can be fun and in a way it is therapeutic; a great chance to look, listen and learn what makes different people tick while trying not to worry that some of them live around the corner down the street! These special folk bind the social fabric of a community and that can be a bit scary.

People stopping by, having noticed our street signs — another To Do list, were polite and respectful with few exceptions. There were seniors and yuppies, parents (new & old), recycler dealers, students and kids — all looking out for a great (cheap) deal on everything laid out for inspection. Some came on like hungry piranhas while others were just the opposite, going at tortoise speed to make any decision. Or not. Haggling is all part of the fun and it takes real skill to negotiate with some people who have an advantage, knowing that you really want to get rid of everything — because you’re moving! It takes a steely resolve to stand firm on the discounted value of some things and not to tell the haggling person what you really think of them when explaining that the value of an item here would cost a lot more new from a retailer!

It’s an emotional roller coaster selling the value of a used power tool or appliance for a few shekels, knowing the purchaser knows full well the great deal he or she is getting under these circumstances. Many think they should get something for nothing and have a genetic trait to whittle down the price of anything. Or at least to try. You just have to get used to saying “No!” sometimes. It’s weird seeing old clothes being examined the same way horses have their teeth checked. And some moments are simply precious. A boy, maybe 12, was fascinated by an old manual typewriter. But he didn’t have the dollar it asked for. His dad explained he loves tinkering with things — a young Edison perhaps? The look on the boy’s face when I told him it was his to take home for free was absolutely awesome!

A diminutive Asian lady bought two living room chairs — for a deal naturally — and declined help getting them to her car. She simply picked each up herself, one at a time, as we watched flabbergasted as she strode down the driveway carrying her load to her small car! Impressive.

To outdo her, then there was the gent who bought a big box load of children’s books for his young daughter, who then proceeded to load the youngster on the back, himself in front and the box on the handlebar of his big motorbike. Declining all assistance, their balancing act headed off slowly down the street on two wheels ne’er to be seen again! It was a sight to behold — thankfully they were not going far. You can’t buy that kind of entertainment!

You never make much money decluttering this way — but knowing that lots of board games and old video tape movies for kids mainly and suchlike are now in a cottage somewhere being used on rainy days and not being consigned to the dump — is a great feeling. It is the same with old clothes that are still good but maybe out of fashion. There are countless pieces of kitchenware, crockery, footwear, prints, houseplants, garden and power tools — all still in use, happily being used by someone somewhere and not cluttering my home anymore.

We emptied the garage after a few decluttering weeks and the house was then deemed ready to be professionally photographed by the real estate people and set for preview appraisals. It feels weird living in your own home, scared to use a decluttered room in case God forbid you clutter it again before it sells!

Now we started the process of scouting about for a new affordable home. We researched local house prices for similar houses and in a few weeks a clean, fair offer came in for ours and we sold. We had a closing date and then things got serious. Time for another panic attack! We were moving for sure. This was not a drill!

As the decluttering continued and we had some time, we brought in all kinds of empty boxes that were carefully filled and labeled ready for the big move. Big black marker pens now became invaluable. We figured it would be cheaper if not safer to do that packing ourselves and stacked stuff in a front room, box by box, ready for moving day, whittling down everything we didn’t immediately need as we went along.

And so we moved our decluttered home to the downsized one which basically became Phase 2 of the project and another story — but first we had to get there.

Once the house was sold the mission began in earnest to find somewhere else. There were a few caveats. I needed somewhere without stairs, so that nix’ed any multi-level townhouses for us. A bungalow might work if it was accessible and affordable. But we figured the best solution for our advancing years would be to live sans-stairs and buy a condominium in the area. It just made good sense. And that’s what we did.

But… there is always a but… we discovered how few condos were on the market in our area. There were some older buildings that would cost a lot of money to bring up to a standard we would feel comfortable with and we did not relish the idea of moving somewhere needing renovation. Nor did we really want to move too far remembering a 1/2 hour commute here in a Canadian winter can soon become much longer when the snow flies! So we set our prerequisite guidelines for our real estate agent and started doing due diligence on a few good prospect properties which is critical work;worth all the time and effort it takes.

The best example of that was discovering a wonderful place not too far away (Location, Location, Location) with a ‘health club’ and indoor pool. All looked very good at first glance and we were very interested in buying. But… there is always a but… then we found out that the pool had emptied itself mysteriously and that caused a lot of consternation about suspect foundations. That was enough to immediately walk away!

Eventually we found a great place (on a dry foundation) and bought it. Now we just had to worry about the move itself to get our downsizing in gear. We hired some quality movers recommended by others who had used them before. That just made things feel more comfortable — and after an advance visual inspection of our stuff to move (a very good idea!) all was set. For what they cost it was well worth paying professionals to load up, transport and deliver everything we had left to our new address. Years ago I may have taken the do-it-yourself approach to moving — but not nowadays. The ‘snap, crackle and pop’ is no longer just in the cereal bowl. So at the end of the day just about all of our worldly possessions that had survived the decluttering process were now in labelled boxes. We moved a few very fragile things ourselves like TV’s and computers — but the rest went into the truck.

It’s strange to watch everything you value loading into a truck and drive off. Then to see all the rooms in the old house sitting bare naked now, packed with just memories — just as we first saw the place all those years ago. It’s a hollow feeling that sticks around — until you drive away. To handle things like that it is best just to not look back. I prefer to live looking forward rather that staring at the rearview mirror and that keeps me relatively stable. The chapter was closing and it was time to turn the page. And we were off!

The final phase of the project was the actual delivery and as always, you have to remember that if it can go wrong you can be guaranteed some part will. Our move it was fairly simple. We specifically told the movers that the entrance to our building has a 10 foot maximum ceiling and if you’re moving truck is higher than that… Need I say more? Murphy won!

Once the guys got over that obstacle and got into our building, the padded elevator we reserved (another list item) did legion service. We ended up with a condo full of stacked boxes and a number of pieces of furniture all arranged. Next came the fun of getting the right stuff in the right rooms and starting to set things up, item by item, box by box. You know now this is going to be relatively easy because you’re downsizing, you’re empty nesters and there’s less stuff to fret over — but this is when a stiff drink helps! Downsizing is great when you have downsized. Until that moment, everything you see or touch or do is unsettling and again I am being polite. The memory gets tasked to recall things all boxed up. “Where the hell are the picture frames?” and similar questions fly. The best example was digging around for shoes that had been stuffed in a last minute box somewhere! Hers not mine. It took a few days to find them but eventually we sorted things out. But the most important item of all was getting our bed set up, finding the duvet and our pillows and that night the two of us collapsed into a blissful, deep and very happy sleep. Mission accomplished.

The next day we started a new chapter of our new life — our downsized existence — and surprisingly, we’re still talking, in love with each other, living for the most part happily ever after in our downsized home. Now where is that… ?