Steeze 101

You close the creaky gate behind you as you keep your ears peeled for the voice of your girlfriend. You are dressed to kill. You might be the first victim because it’s too hot for the hoodie you’re wearing, but you need to make an impression, Lagos sun be damned.

Today is the day you meet her folks and hopefully end the eighteen months of sneaking around.

You are a man. She is your woman. It’s only normal for her family to know she belongs to you now.

Surely enough, you hear her silky voice, your girlfriend. Your heart beats faster. She says she’s coming to get you and to stay near the gate.

That’s weird. Why wait near the gate when you can just walk to the front door? She says again to wait and offers a quick explanation that you don’t hear. She also says she’ll be out soon. You hear that, but you pay no mind and continue to walk to the door. The confidence is loud in your ears. So loud that you do not hear the sauntering from the back of the house.

When you eventually hear anything over your own stubbornness, your babe is standing in front of you, her eyes begging you not to move.

You don’t understand. You keep moving. Then you hear it and stop in your tracks.

The Rottweiler has its eyes fixed on you, sizing you up hungrily. All your confidence evaporates into thin air.

Everyone is quiet. Nobody moves.

“Patrick?” your girlfriend whispers.

“What?” you exhale, with your heart in your throat.

“I’m talking to the dog,” she says with guilt in her voice

“His name is Patrick too?”

Your girl nods. She’s on the verge of tears. You’re on the verge of losing your shit.

Patrick the Rott pays your babe no mind. He inches towards you. You freeze.

Your girlfriend’s brothers emerge from the house, all three of them.

You’d normally be intimidated but your psyche is preoccupied with Patrick the Rottweiler.

One of them yells at Patrick to get in his cage. Patrick once again ignores, but the instruction isn’t lost on you. You’re dying to get into Patrick’s cage and lock the door behind you before he tears you apart.

Patrick the Rott makes up his mind very noisily that you will be his early dinner and starts to saunter assuredly towards you.

Your girlfriend does some quick maths and decides that if you run, you can get out of the compound through the gate before Patrick the Rott reaches you.

She’s right. You know she is. But when she says “Run!” to you, your legs refuse to move.

“Run!” She yells again.

Her voice seems far away. Everyone is watching. Patrick the Rott is closing in. You know you should run, but you can’t because the only question swimming in your head is:

Wetin go come do my steeze?