Computers, kittens, and health, oh my!

nosingletopic
Aug 24, 2017 · 6 min read

Okay, folks, I’ve been at this for over 7 months. And I finally have a metaphor describing how I have been living! It involves computers. Of course, it does.

Imagine your brain as a computer. Everything is very complex and completely automated. There’s a wonderful OS, all the scripts, everything runs beautifully, like clockwork. Never needs an operator. However, when the system was created, someone decided to put in a control room. You know, for good measure. It’s full of switches, knobs, and blinky lights. Every button and dial goes to a different aspect of how your body functions. These are very fine controls. One could, if they wanted to, adjust pretty much anything in any direction.

The control room is dusty, as it’s never ever been used. Perhaps even covered in cobwebs. It’s just sitting there somewhere, all forgotten and unnecessary, while the automated system is happily chugging away.

Somehow, a kitten gets in. A light fluffy happy kitten. What does a kitten do? It starts jumping around and playing with things. Suddenly, nothing about how the system is run makes any sense at all. Things that should happen together or in sequence don’t, while things that should not happen together do. Anything can switch, flip, or adjust at any moment. The kitten is arbitrary. It does not understand your pesky systems, rules, and protocols. It is happily running around, swatting at things, and taking an occasional nap.

When the kitten takes a nap, or is otherwise distracted, things don’t change. Sometimes, things don’t change for a while. Certain knobs (aka different brain/body functions) can be sitting in the same place for weeks.

Sometimes, the kitten decides that a certain corner of the control room is particularly fascinating, and it stays there a while. Ooh, shiny! Some set of things switch rather rapidly. Back, forth, all around, no pattern, rhyme, or reason.

What can the knobs and switches control, you ask? Anything. Different organs, muscles. Pain levels. Strength levels. Your ability to speak, read, perceive information. Your memory, different aspects of it. Visual, auditory, sensory perception. Emotions. (If I have not explicitly named something it does not mean I have not experienced it. The knobs are many. I have been comparing notes with some folks, and I frequently have experienced what other people have in obscure situations. Makes for interesting conversations.) I’ve learned more about how brains and bodies function through this experience than by studying things or living in my body for years prior.

The kitten can push you into an overload. The kitten can make you feel peace. As I mentioned, I’ve been experiencing pretty interesting physical and mental states, which have been very new to me. When the kitten allows aka when I am actually able to, I continue to be fascinated by the experience. I am getting to live out a huge variety of human physical/mental experience in one body in a very short period of time. Some cool or insightful states that are somehow not too physically or mentally painful are riveting, and can be mined for introspection. To be perfectly honest, even the painful/negative/etc states can be mined for that, it’s just harder (or not even possible) to be analytical or to be “enjoying the moment” right when it is happening, because my capacity to be or analytical or present/meditative is literally taken away by the kitten at times.

I am not mad at the kitten. It’s true, some parts of the experience I’d rather do without. Having high pain levels, being weak to the point of getting up or lifting a cup being too much, not having enough coordination to open a door, not being able to communicate when you desperately need to are all very, very rough. I also love some parts of this experience. I’ve been more insightful, more peaceful, more alive than I ever thought possible, not just “under the circumstances”, but in general. The experience is pushing me, like nothing I have ever experienced in my life has pushed me before.


In the past few months I have felt more vulnerable than I ever remember feeling in my life. I continue to experience being extremely misunderstood and/or judged by strangers and folks close to me alike, as well as authority figures (like medical professionals). I experience folks snapping at me, because I am not acting in ways they expect, while they believe I can *just do better*. It has not been straightforward, but I am able to emotionally let go of some interactions easier. Things may still absolutely suck during the event. But when the interaction ends, I bounce back with the past not dragging me down quicker than I thought possible. Going through being emotionally abused, run over, pushed around by strangers, authority figures, even occasional loved ones, and then being able to be okay afterwards has been a blessing to experience.

In an unanticipated way, through being very vulnerable I have shifted towards invulnerability.

(Ironically, right at the time of posting, the kitten is not being cooperative. I am currently not feeling invulnerable at all. This, too, can and does change.)


The way my last few months have gone, I could never be prepared for how my day, or my next five minutes, might unfold. I went through a period of fear, because planning and organizing and being prepared (which I have been excellent at and relied heavily on in my past life) no longer were an option. Turns out if kitten wants you to have a completely new experience under new surroundings, it can. And preparing for literally everything is impossible. As a result, I have become infinitely better at winging it. Whatever situation, people, my own ability levels. Things work out. Sometimes not as planned, but they work out. The important bit has been to focus on what *is* possible at any given moment, as opposed to sticking to the original plan. Learning to let go of expectations has not been easy, but oh, does it make life flow gentler when one manages to let go. Yes, letting go of getting better; letting go of knowing how the next day or week will unfold; letting go of whether someone will vanish from your life; letting go of whether someone will be kind or understanding or helpful. All of those. And if I cannot manage to let go in the moment, then to let go my inability to handle things *better* (whatever the better may entail), and to forgive myself.

In an unexpected twist, through being unable to prepare, I have discovered my ability to accept reality and work with it.


P.S. A few of you have asked if this is similar to “having spoons”. Not really, because I never know how much energy I actually have to spend. I can tell what I can do *right this second*, but things change rapidly, so I may feel awful one moment, but perk up rapidly, and vice versa.

As a result, when spending time with me now, one can either schedule a type of activity, or a time slot, never both. If you schedule a time, I never know what capability I will have right then. If you want to engage in a specific task/interaction, I cannot tell you ahead of time when I will have the required energy to do that thing with you, or whether I will run out of energy mid-way. So for the time being I cannot plan “to go on a walk on Friday night”, or “to sit down and get organized on Sunday”. Neither can I “just finish this thing right now, it’ll only take a couple of minutes” or “explain exactly” what I need just when I need it. The kitten is playful, folks, not cooperative.


P.P.S. Another interesting thing is that the kitten appears to break nothing. The control room is sturdy. No functionality ever seems to permanently degrade or disappear. My system merely functions more or less well while the kitten is playing, but things could go to full speed (aka before kitten) at any moment. I have experienced plenty of such events, when suddenly I would be at full in an area that has been barely online for a while.

So hey, perhaps the kitten will get bored eventually and leave. And the operating system will take over and restore itself. And I will live a “normal” life, much as anyone can. I just hope I learn enough from this experience while it is happening.


P.P.P.S. A few folks asked how the kitten looks. It’s gray. Definitely gray. Make that a gray tabby with the softest belly and a white spot on its neck.

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nosingletopic

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