3 Creeds for 3 Unholy Trinities of Companies and Celebrities
As somehow who professes the Apostles’ Creed, why did I commit the sacrilege of rewording it to praise pop stars, multinational corporations and awkward white guys? My motivation is a genuine/ironic affection for all these people and things (except Apple) and enjoyment of reworking verse. If anything, these creeds make explicit the absurdity of idolatry. If you smirk at even one line and read the original creed, you’ve made my day.
1. Beyonce, Nicki Minaj, Rihanna
I believe in Beyonce, the flawless Queen Bee
maker of hip-hop and pop.
I believe in Nicki Minaj, both Barbie and Roman,
who was signed by Young Money,
slayed on “Monster,”
proclaimed “Super Bass,”
went triple platinum, viral and global;
Pink Friday ascended the charts.
By the third album, she dropped “Anaconda”;
her rear end is transcendent.
She is seated at the right hand of Beyonce, the flawless Queen Bee.
From there she will awe the haters and fans.
I believe in Rihanna,
the only girl in the world,
the diamonds in the sky,
the undering of umbrellas,
the work, work, work, work, work,
and finding love in a hopeless place. Amen.
2. Apple, Amazon, Google*
I believe in Apple, the Silicon King,
creator of iPhones and cool.
I believe in Amazon, the only retailer, our Prime,
which was conceived as a bookseller,
born of Jeffrey Bezos,
expanded to other media,
made Kindle, Echo, and Fire;
it acquired Whole Foods.
On the second day its gifts arrive;
it computes the Cloud.
It is seated at the right hand of Apple, the Silicon King,
From there it will own all transactions, large and small.
I believe in Google,
the wording of Ads,
the mailing of G,
the mapping of Earth,
the tubing of You,
and the search of all things. Amen.
*Typically Facebook is included in this group to comprise the Four Horsemen of Tech, but Facebook has 30% of the revenue of the lowest earning of the trinity, Google, and I’m writing trinitarian creeds.
3. Guy Fieri, Steve Harwell, Violent J
I believe in Guy Fieri, all-spicey,
purveyor of drive-ins and dives.
I believe in Steve Harwell, the Smashing Mouth, All Star,
who was conceived by the Meteor Men
and born of the new millennium.
He suffered under fingers, foreheads and thumbs,
was fed to the rules, hit the ground and running;
his world was on fire.
In the third verse he assented to change.
He ascended to the Astro Lounge
and is seated at the right hand of Guy Fieri, all-spicey.
From there he will get the show on and get paid.
I believe in Violent J,
the Insane Clown Posse,
the Gathering of Juggalos,
the drinking of Faygo,
the painting of the face,
and unemployment everlasting. Amen.
