We’re So FRIGT

Jump on these badass brand names before it’s too late.

Last week’s SCOTUS ruling striking down federal law banning “scandalous” trademarks allowed for some shirt-making company called FUCT to register for its own trademark. Now, the scramble is on to trademark other edgy-sounding names and build other artificially badass brands.

But what if your brand does NOT rely on harsh, offensive language? You can still sound edgy, if you act quickly.

I believe he’s had it.
  • Monkey Fightin’ Good Chicken — Hurry and grab this name for your food truck before your competitors down the street do…

It’s actually quite heavy.

Three feet away, a woman I barely knew would give me the news.

News that would neither bound nor liberate me, neither make me neither smile nor frown. News that would simply put a word to the weight I carried daily (not the weight around my waist — I had a different doctor for that.)

“You have depression,” she was going to say. And although I wasn’t looking forward to hearing it, hearing it meant I could start on the road to recovery. I wouldn’t tell anyone about it, because they don’t need that burden.


Not for the faint of heart.

Photo by Patrick Fore on Unsplash

Saturn, the ancient Roman God of fun and feasting, wants to drink. It’s his night, after all, and it’s already 7PM. He’d like for Frigga, his mother, to let him know when his friends arrive.

Odin, his dad, has already started drinking to excess and is showing it. Frigga appears unfazed.

Saturn wants no more of Tyr’s meddlesome attitude and has seemingly reached his limit with Thor’s repressive code of behavior. Saturn is tending toward ever more pugilistic behavior as each minute passes.

He now more desperately wants to not just drink, but to…

Obviously pestilence, famine, and war, but death, too?

As you well know, the media can blow bad things out of proportion in a hurry simply by adding the suffix -pocalypse to it. In no time we have come to accept words like “Snowpocalypse” or “Sharknadopocalypse.” Thanks, media, for that.

However, the media never seem to take the deeper dive into, for example, the Four Horsemen of the Snowpocalypse, and that just embodies lazy journalism.

New Rule: Any parent may declare a full-blown Kidpocalypse in his or her home at any time. …

You guys! I finally scored tickets!

OMG! I’m finally going to see “Buchanan.” On Front Street, performed by Mrs. Blume’s 4th grade Social Studies class. It took a Google search and an optional, $3 donation to Wikipedia, but I’m beyond STOKED.

In celebration, I thought I’d post for you guys my personal ranking of all 37 songs on the “Buchanan” soundtrack, which I binge-listen to every day on my way to and from…well…everywhere. Enjoy!

Photo by David Beale on Unsplash

37. Here I Go A Wooing

36. Worst Democrat Ever?

35. Existential Dred

34. I Can Call You Rufus

33. I Got Your Buttigieg Right Here

YOU Drive Medium Radio — Day 3:

I’m starting to think we’ve maxed out our claps.

Photo by neil godding on Unsplash

“This next story by Dirty Harry Wizard is one that should restore your faith in humanity…”

“And we’re back for Day 3 of what we’re now calling our Fiscal Year-End membership drive, as if that makes any difference to you.

You’re here with Person Tying Desperately to Say the Same Thing Different Ways and I’m paired up with Person of the Opposite Sex Trying the Same.

“And look, I know we just teased that national story on and trust me, it truly is a…

The world’s air conditioners are working too well.

Photo by William Bossen on Unsplash

Years ago in the midst of idle, soul-crushing small talk I innocuously mentioned that I couldn’t tolerate hot weather as much as I used to.

In response, a Habitat for Humanity volunteer informed me that as I was prostituting myself out to Corporate America, I was sitting in climate-controlled, 72-degree comfort daily until quitting time. Then I was riding home in my car, capable of reaching 72-degree comfort within seconds after the initial blast of hellish air receded.

I experienced uncomfortable heat for roughly 2 minutes a day while they were roofing houses for ALL HUMANITY in the unforgiving heat…

Your Superpower Is Overrated — Volume 2

Fly like an eagle, you turkey.

Photo by Amarnath Tade on Unsplash

Flight or invisibility?

When I think about this question, I’m often reminded of the Muhammad Ali anecdote:

The airplane sat on the runway, ready for takeoff. All systems were go, except one passenger who refused to put on his seat belt, Muhammad Ali.

The flight attendants each urged him to put on his seat belt, but he refused. Finally they got the pilot involved.

“We can’t take off until you put your seat belt on.”

“Superman don’t need no seat belt.”

“Champ, Superman don’t need no airplane…

YOU Drive Medium Radio — Day 2

It’s time to step up your clapping game.

Photo by Jonathan Velasquez on Unsplash

“Stay tuned at 8:30 for another installment of EXTREMITY (people EXTRemely, Exponentially More Interesting Than You) where today we’ll meet the descendants of a man who got a Slinky — and his grandson — stuck in a drainage pipe, and how the townspeople’s response helped define 1950s rural Mississippi.

It’s 7:44.”

“We’re back for Day 2 of our membership drive. My name is Guy Whose Voice Makes You Want to Drive Off a Bridge. …

Invisibility: Superpower? Or character flaw?

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Invisibility or flight?

Many of us who answer “invisibility” want to be invisible until we don’t. How many times have you heard people who want “to blend in” and “not make a scene,” only to decide later to speak up or “wish someone had included me?”

Mortals can be invisible almost any time we want. Close the door behind you. Stay in bed. Go for a walk in the woods by yourself. Shop at Sears.

That may not be “true” invisibility, but it’s good enough. True invisibility, as has been shown time and again in…

J. Criswell

Is this the line for the bathroom?

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