“Tell me about it, stud.”

Tonight on the Bachelor, Nikki gets to fight back, put it all on the line and exchange enough saliva to ensure transmission of all personal diseases intimately held by the pretend lovers. The rest of the Tributes get to go on an obstacle course.

At the ranch, the Tributes are pondering the mysteries of the universe and suddenly realise that there’s only one intruder left – Steph. But then again, there’s also only one brunette, one person with dignity and only one whose hopes and aspirations for a pretend boyfriend won’t ultimately be crushed.

Osher’s Hair bounds in to interrupt the deep thinking. Kiki remarks that the Hair always has something interesting and important to say. She also still thinks there’s a chance that she’ll go home with a pretend boyfriend, so I wouldn’t pay her too much for her insights.

And what does the Hair say? Nothing of consequence but it does leave a date card for Nikki that expounds that tonight’s 1:1 date is to “pick up where we left off”. The other girls wonder where their place lies in all of this – well, it’s clearly not the top of the pile.

For her 1:1 date, Nikki chooses to channel Olivia Newton John at the end of Grease when she becomes all heels and leather. And it’s an antique car and off to the pub for the couple. It’s fairly obvious that Nikki has won the competition already but let’s pretend.

Hitch is happy with Nikki’s honesty. Nikki gushes that everything Hitch does – his goals – are perfect. You’re my perfect match, responds Hitch. Nikki agrees.

Back at the ranch, the girls have the group date card – “let love take its course”. Kiki, Stephi, Faithi, Alexi, Rachi, Nikki, Oleni (ie everyone) are off to an obstacle course.

But let’s first complete the 1:1 loverama…

Nikki is rapturous that Hitch has organised this date. Not merely have chickens been organised but a full country band.

Hitch explains that “Nikki brings out the best in me – she makes me whole”. Pash.

Nikki says everything has led to this one moment and she doesn’t want any regrets: “If you choose me then you’ll have all of me – you make me happy – I want to be around you all the time – like a ring around a bath, like garlic-prawn-breath the day after, or the sense of failure following a rose ceremony.”

Hitch responds, “You make me happy – our future is nothing but roses. I’m not after a girl for a good time but a girl for the future with healthy gums and child bearing hips.”

Hitch bestows a rose with the words: “I believe what we have is real and you’re beautiful inside and out. What you do for me is beautiful also.”

Nikki admits to the cameraman that she’s fallen in love.

Obstacle course is up next. Olena is wanting to make today count. And it’s not competitive except in comments about other Tributes. For example, Rachel observes that if Steph has ever been to a gym then it would’ve only been for a few minutes and it was probably only to a Jim.

Olena proves to be a contender especially when covered in mud. Especially when Olena goes from covered in mud to supermodel with just 100ml of face wash.

Olena wins the collaborative effort. The girls decide that Olena only won since she has been a mystery and Hitch has to understand the enigma.

Olena explains to Hitch that “I don’t want too many emotions since I won’t know what to do with them all”. Hitch responds with “You can’t rush that feeling”.

Rose.

Pash.

Whatever diseases that Nikki owned are now also Olena’s.

Back at the ranch a cocktail party is breaking out with the “double daters” on one side – Alex, Nikki and Olena – and “the others” on the other side – with Faith and Kiki clearly losing their faith…

Roses already for Olena and Nikki.

Hitch contributes roses for Rachael, Steph, Alex, Faith.

No rose for Kiki. Hitch explains, “You will make some guy incredibly happy, just not me.”

And that’s the last we’ll ever hear of Kiki.