The etiquette of the white rose

Tonight on the Bachelor, Osher’s Hair arrived to announce a 1:1 date that will leave you “shaken and stirred”. The date is “for your eyes only” and the Tributes are reminded that “diamonds are forever” and that the best diamonds come “from Russia with love”. Girls, you must “never say never again” because this date will be a real “jaws breaker”.

Faith gets the date, but the Tributes turn to each other and wonder what the theme for the dates could possibly be?!

The date however has a twist – it will be run on a James Bond theme!! Dr Hitchie arrives in character as Roger Moore James Bond steering a Roger Moore jet-boat. Faith asks what type of yacht the jet-boat is. Dr Hitchie lovingly explains that yachts generally don’t have jet engines and occasionally they have sails. He will be great with children, especially if the children are not good with numbers or simple concepts.

The next mountain that Alex climbs is how to tell her starboard from her port, her bow from her stern and her up from her down.

Dr Hitchie explains, “There is no port left in the bottle” – so, port is left. Faith asks the obvious next question, “So, how do you remember that starboard is right?”

Roger Moore Bond must have played swimming pool basketball since the rest of the date is left to this competitive and fascinating sport. And it’s just what the doctor ordered. Roger Moore Bond explains that, “Faith went bananas! Her switch was flicked!!”

And, once a switch is flicked, you know it must all end in a pash. And, of course, a rose.

Next is the “up close and personal” group date for:

Eliza

Georgia

Noni

Soapie

Rachael

Olena

Keira (the “group date groupie”)

And “up close and personal” is apparently shorthand for a group date with 7 girlfriends, some dance instructors, three burly cameramen, a boom mic operator and a key grip.

Despite the instructing talent, Noni carefully explains, “I twerk, I don’t. dance.” Noni must be a delight at church mixers.

But, Eliza grounds the Tributes, “This is a marathon not a sprint.” Actually it’s a dance not a sprint. And it’s more rhythmic spasm than a dance.

But Dr Hitchie is after originality not a sprint (or a dance). And Dr Hitchie chooses Keira who is able to inject some original sizzle into her not sprint not dance.

As a reward, Keira gets to ride in a horse drawn carriage and carry on into the night with some more not dancing with Dr Hitchie.

Back at the ranch, the Tributes ask, “Will Keira come back with a rose?”

Well, yes, Keira does. But Eliza takes exception and says, “Keira, you’re an ungrateful potential forever ever friend since you don’t appreciate group dates. Any time you can spend with Dr Hitchie is precious and must be treated as such.”

The tension could be cut with a hot hair straightener.

Marja reminds both Eliza and Keira that “This is a good karma cabana, Eliza and Keira.”

But Keira retorts, “Eliza is cut!”

Although it is not immediately obvious what Eliza is cut from, it’s obviously a bad thing to be cut from whatever it is. Perhaps there’s a competitive Tribute sporting team, glee club or spelling bee. Being cut from any of these would be obviously distressing.

And then a cocktail party breaks out.

At the party, the Tributes deign that “There should be white rose etiquette” and by saying that an etiquette is immediately imposed. And Alex obeys.

The etiquette is that the Tributes decide when Alex will use her white rose. And the etiquette is that she can use it only after every other Tribute has first met with Dr Hitchie and otherwise she must not approach the good doc in any way. The flaw in the etiquette is that there will never be sufficient cocktail time for Alex to use the rose. The crafty Tributes have neutralised the power of the white rose. And all the Tributes know that If you don’t talk to Dr Hitchie on cocktail night then he won’t remember you in the rose ceremony an hour later.

Eliza seeks to apologise to Keira for her earlier insight. Although Keira doesn’t accept the apology, the Tributes find that “their relationship will never be the same again.” This is a day that will be remembered in world politics.

Troubled by the weight of her guilt, Eliza explains that if you have a rose it means that Dr Hitchie still wants you around. These are poignant reminders of what role roses play in the show.

Keira and Faith have they dirty street roses from their respective dates, but due to an aphid infestation there are only 10 roses left and 12 tributes who currently stand before Mr Ditchie rose-less.

Rachael rose

Nikki rose

Olena rose

Georgia Rose

Sasha rose

Megan rose

Eliza rose

Noni rose

Alex rose, although Mr Ditchie is not pleased – “Where was the white rose?” comes the shot across the starboard (which is that again?)

Kiki rose

Osher’s hair returns to tell Marja and Soapie that they didn’t receive a rose. Although this information is crucial to the operation of the show, it is pretty unnecessary since Married at First Sight has already started on Channel 9 and half the audience will have already moved on.