Welcome to season 5 of the Bachelor

I am DoorMatty. I am the Bachelor. I am the Bach that Georgia rejects.

Mum explains that she doesn’t want DoorMatty to be hurt again, but this time DoorMatty will not be hurt, he will be the Instigator of Harm. The Hurtmeister. The Font of Girlfriend Abandonment.

There is a long slomo pan and a surfeit of shaven chest mounds, and then suddenly we’re transported to the mansion and Osher’s gleaming 2017 hair that announces the parade of potentials…

Alix, 24, is nervous, is in red and has the cutest little facial twitch.

Tara, 27, sings incessantly and is a nanny. Tara has an elaborate backstory and just a hint of the most delightful menace. She’s stoked and grody to the max, complete with the cutest little prison tatt.

Laura, 30, is a jewellery designer. She immediately introduces DoorMatty to her ring.

Next is Kobe who washes coal and sucks down big on helium.

Next and in rapid succession:

Simone

Elise

Monica (“eyes”)

Laura-Ann (“tingly ovaries”)

Elizabeth

Steph

Sharlene

Stacey

Miss Personality

Sian

Jennifer (“dippity”)

Then, slow, for Natalie’s back story. Crazy with the stench of moist dirty street pie is the word. She admits that she’s a lesbian but eminently turnable for just the right DoorMat.

Oh no, it’s the police, it’s Constable Paxton! DoorMatty admits that he is a public urinator. Constable Paxton then proceeds to immobilise poor urine-soaked DoorMatty.

Belinda, 34, love coach, touches DoorMatty for a complete minute of silence. It’s the best minute on the Bachelor ever. She explains that she works hard on her self love.

Florence, Holland, 28, brings a box with something traditional from Holland. No, not a shrunken head, just clogs because the Dutch wear clogs.

Akoulina, athletic gymnast dances in. Unhinged is a word.

Lisa, 25, model student or student model. Whatever. Lisa agrees to let DoorMatty win at tennis and presents.

Leah, 24, architecture student. She forgot to get dressed but what she lacks in clothes, she makes up in hair zhooshing and single entendre conversation. I can smell the stench of bunny coming to the boil.

All the potentials become incensed. at Leah’s use of fishing net as wearable clothing. I haven’t heard the word “moll” used with such vehemence since the end of our 5th grade dance when Ms Kincaid sought to free Kimmy and Darin from their lockjawed embrace.

Osher’s hair explains that DoorMatty is back. He explains in detail the rose system to the host of potentials. Hopefully there will be further reminders throughout the life of the show as the potentials steadily dim.

Here’s to love for some of you!

But Osher’s all new 2017 hair explains that there’s a secret garden where girls can go and can be seen nor heard no more. Muffled screams cannot permeate this sculptured shrubbery. It’s a cone of love.

Laura is up first for a chat. The girls suggest that she resembles DoorMatty’s ex girlfriend Georgia Love (yes, real name).

But the lights go down. And there’s a fire-twirling intruder – the girls ask “Is that one of us?” Freud suggests that identity is fluid and the potentials seem unable to grasp whether they are observing themselves or an intruder (even though they themselves have been Mansion tenants for only 10 minutes).

“How do we compete with her?”, the potentials ponder. “She’s able to control fire.” It’s Elora. “Is she an intruder or just running late?”, asks another potential.

Elora explains that she’s named after the princess in the movie Willow.

Sharlene explains that that’s nothing – “I’m named after Charlene from Neighbours”.

“Glamazon” and “Sex on legs” are just some of the friendly names suggested to be used for Elora.

It remains unclear how much time is needed to become an intruder, but whatever that time Elora is unwelcome.

On getting up to separate Elora and DoorMatty, one potential asks, “Am I cutting Elora’s grass?” The potentials respond in unison: “Whippersnip that shit”.

The grass cutting speeds up faster than a Team of Jim’s Mowers at a Jim’s Mowing convention.

Elizabeth says Jens dress is “putrid” but it’s OK because it was purely “social comment”. It’s caused by the dirt around the bottom of her otherwise pristine dress. Jennifer breaks down and sobs, “It’s not my fault that some dirty dog did its business on the lawn of the mansion!” DoorMatty blushes as if he was somehow involved.

Tara explains “We ate whilst Jennifer cried.”

Natalie takes her turn to sum up the drama: “nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah nah”, which was in fact a pretty accurate description.

DoorMatty chooses Lisa for a secret garden session. The potentials let her go. The girls christen Lisa “Stale Bread Lisa”.

Constable Paxton is first to get a surprise rose on the basis that she tells no one that DoorMatty’s been publicly urinating in the secret garden.

Then we’re transported to Osher’s Hair and the rose ceremony.

Roses are supplied for:

Stale Bread

Laura

Alex

Elora

Kobe

Elise

Tara

Simone

Laura-Ann

Akoulina

Leah

Sian

Florence

Stephanie

Natalie

Belinda

Jennifer (*Producer’s pick)

Sharlene

Elizabeth

Monica, Stacey and whichever one is Miss Personality leave the mansion without even an interview in the back seat of the DoorMattyMobile.

And it’s goodnight from the mansion.

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