Coworker Known for Obnoxious Coughing and Hacking Dies

SEATTLE —Tragedy struck meal-delivery startup, Fleat*, this morning when employees found coworker James Dannon, 34, dead in his office chair. Dannon was known to those around him as someone who coughed and hacked all the fucking time.

“I always put my headphones in because I couldn’t stand to listen to him all day,” said sales representative, Ellen Hodgkins. “It was so distracting. I wish I would have said something sooner.”

Autopsy reports confirmed that Dannon died eating a spicy chicken sandwich. The cause of death being asphyxiation by a big bite, lack of chewing, and an inhalation of spicy barbecue sauce.

“The spicy barbecue sauce is what did him in,” said forensic pathologist, Sarah Weber. “It irritated James’ throat upon inhalation, but when he tried to cough, the piece of chicken in his throat was too big to be ejected.”

Fleat is offering resources to help those affected by Dannon’s death adjust to a quieter, less obnoxious work environment.

“We’re doing everything we can to help in this difficult time,” said HR associate, Jason Klink. “We’ve equipped one of the corner offices with audio of hacks and coughs on loop that’s open to everyone.”

At press time, Chick-fil-A had issued a press release calling for signatures on a petition that deems June 9th James Dannon Day.

*Fleat is a fictional company that appeared in the news last month for its diversity initiatives. This is satire.