Returning to residency after maternity leave

I was fortunate and privileged to be able to take maternity leave after the birth of my son. I went back to Family Medicine residency two weeks ago, and I want to write about it here.

Because it’s a lot.

People always said that there would be mixed emotions about going back to work. That has certainly been the case in my experience. I felt (and still feel) a grand old mix of excitement, fear, guilt and joy.

I feel excited to get back to working as a doctor. And then sometimes I feel guilty about being so excited. I also feel terrified some days that all my medical knowledge has left me. I can’t remember doses of medications to save my life right now, when I used to be able to rattle off exactly how many milligrams per kilogram of amoxicillin to give a baby with an ear infection.

On the flip side, I’ve gained a tremendous amount of new knowledge about all things pregnancy and baby care. While working on call, it felt good to commiserate with the mother of an infant with yet another cold. I was able to tell her what to expect and offer advice as to what might help, based on my own experience and doing a deep dive into the research. Importantly, I was able to reassure her that her kiddo didn’t need to go to the hospital.

But one thing that’s been on my mind is this: why is it so emotionally difficult to return to work after having a baby? Is it just that it’s a big change? Is it that I miss him (so much) throughout the day?

I actually think it’s these reasons combined with something else…

When I had a baby, something that changed quickly, completely, and forever, was my identity. I’ve never experienced anything like it.

Suddenly, I was a mom. I had felt some “mom-ness” in pregnancy, but I really felt a shift of identity the moment my son was born and he looked me right in the eyes.

Now, albeit to a lesser extent, I’m going through another sudden identity shift. My first day back at work, I became a working parent. A doctor mom. A physician who gets called from daycare to pick her son up because he’s sick for the millionth time in the span of 2 weeks. A mom who looks up patients for the next day when her son is playing beside her.

It’s a lot to manage and get used to. But I’m getting there. I’m trying to give myself some compassion, and I know that it will take time to adjust to the new routine, the new identity, the surge of emotions.

If you’re going through something similar, I highly recommend reaching out to someone who’s been through it already. I’ve found it helpful to talk to other physician parents who have struggled with the same thing. It’s validating, and I’ve learned a lot about how to manage this transition.

I’m going to post every now and again about being a doctor mom, because I think it’s something that needs to be talked about more.

Yours truly,

• Dr. Kuhnow

Check out my website for more at https://www.notrophiesforperfect.com/