More than a mum?

So this is weird. Putting myself out there publicly is not something that comes naturally to me, although some of my mates might disagree… I have been known to get a little bit raucous on a night out with the girls, or the other half come to that. Anyway, I’ve started it now, so this is the worst bit over right?

I always wanted kids, you know those teenagers that are like the pied-piper, well I was one of those, so you can imagine my face when my mum told me she was pregnant when I was 14, and was absolutely buzzing when my baby brother was born.

My mum worked long hours. When I finished school for the day I used to pick him up from nursery and take him home, feed him, play with him and sometimes put him to bed. I frequently got up with him in the night as my room was closest to his, so I was usually the first to wake.

It was like having my own baby, but there were moments where I felt like I was missing out on stuff kids my own age were doing. I resented my mum for that, but at the same time felt so lucky to have this funny, brilliant little person in my life.

Age 14, lying on his bedroom floor with him lying on top of me, whilst I rocked myself using my heels until my calf muscles felt like they were going to explode, I knew that having kids could wait.

So here I am, 42, a Northerner, living in South East London, with three kids aged 8, 6 and 2. Of course I love the lot of them like my life depends on it, but even helping to bring up my brother couldn’t quite prepare me for the first few months of the first. I tell anyone and everyone how much I hated their Dad during that time! Sleep deprivation does some crazy shit to your brain.

Him: ‘shall I run you a bath?’

Me: ‘no, because I’ll only have to take the baby with me. Are you saying I smell? If I do smell it’s because I’m covered in shit and sick, and you spent 10 whole minutes in the shower this morning, ON YOUR FUCKING OWN!’

Yep, I was awful. But I just couldn’t help myself… I actually started to wonder wtf we had done. Why does no one tell you about this? I tell every mum to be my worst moments now, I think of it as a mum-to-mum obligation!

Then, at some point, more than likely after a few decent nights sleep, it was like the moody bitch fairy just took herself off somewhere for a break, and I loved him again, but with a whole new perspective. Watching him asleep with our son, watching him holding him, making him laugh, and remembering the tears in his eyes when he was born — all those things suddenly became illuminated — and I loved him on a whole other level.

I realised then that I didn’t want us to be that couple that just resented each other for the things we couldn’t do anymore, and I knew I had to make a point of not losing myself or ourselves along the way.

We spent our entire ‘dating’ years, just having a laugh. We were either in the pub, at a gig, at the cinema, cooking for each other, or ‘doing what the poor people do’ as my old nan used to say.

We had amazing dates. A speedboat on the Thames, restaurants with glass lifts that took you up to the silly floors at a speed that would make your dinner come up before you ate it, days lying in the park in the sun, nights cuddled under a blanket watching films and drinking too much wine — I remember the first film we watched together was Nil By Mouth — I have a weird feeling that was my idea. I didn’t want to stop doing that because we had a child. So we didn’t.

Ok, so we don’t do it as often. We don’t do anything we did as often. But we still make an effort to go out, and we do things with the kids that we enjoy too, and that’s what this blog is all about; keeping you connected with that person you were and the people you loved and spent time with before kids.

You’re not the same person, and that’s a great thing… I love being a mum. I don’t want to be the same person I was, but I don’t want to lose that person completely, as I quite like her.

In those early days I felt like I was losing something. Both in my relationship and in my life. There seemed to be this expectation that as a new mum, you’ll just immediately bond with other mums that you see with the same sleep-deprived stare as you, that you see in any church hall playgroup.

It’s like the worst speed dating event ever. How do you fit in a decent conversation between wapping out your boob and lifting a baby to sniff it’s backside? It all just felt so alien. Who knew that you weren’t supposed to snort when Old McDonald’s farm had a pig — but actually say ‘oink’? The shame.

The only thing I knew for certain was that I loved being a mum. What I didn’t love was that every other aspect of my life was so bloody scary!

I knew then that I needed to do something else.

Really enjoying our time together, not just doing things for the sake of it is what I want for me and my family. There’s so much more we could be doing than sitting in that church hall. South East London is full of amazing places to take the kids, and the things I loved about it before kids are the things I still love now — I just take the kids with me! I reckon making it your mission to check them out makes for more interesting conversation when you do meet another mum you feel like chatting up in the coffee shop.

It’s really hard when you’re knackered all the time, but you’ve just got to remember how you ended up with those little people. Keeping me and the kid’s Dad close is just as important as keeping the kids close, because if they see a loving, close relationship between us both, that’s what they will take forward in their lives, in their relationships — and that’s what we all want for our kids right? To love and be loved.

And, as a wise person (my mum) once said. There’s only so much ‘wind the bobbin up’ one woman can endure.

Follow me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram for ideas on #daddates and days out with the kids that don’t involve drinking tea out of plastic cups and eating custard creams.