An Encounter with M

Nour C
Nour C
Sep 9, 2018 · 5 min read
Image from Pixabay

I rarely watch television in my spare time but recently I had a brief change in preferences. Anyone who’s close to me knows that I am an absolute Disney fanatic. My fanaticism is just as strong today as it was twenty-four years ago. Growing up, I don’t think there was a single Disney movie my parents didn’t get for me. They’re all VCRs because, let’s be honest, it’s the only legit way to watch the Classics. I had so many VCRs that I used to line them up around the house like dominos (sorry Mom 🙈). It was the 90s after all…

When I spontaneously decided to watch a movie recently, Disney heard my calling. Mulan was the first option that popped into my head. It was one of my absolute favorites and I couldn’t remember the last time I had watched it.

For those that have not seen Mulan, two things: first, go watch it. Second, a brief synopsis: fearing her father’s death, Mulan takes his place in the army. She pretends to be a man since women weren’t allowed to fight and it was considered an act of treason.

One of the reasons I loved Mulan as a kid was because of the emotions and the imagination she conjured up in me. I envisioned myself as a hero too, just like her. I would imitate her karate kicks in the living room, breaking some vases along the way (again, sorry Mom🙊). I wanted to be the ‘Arab Mulan’ and save Palestinian children from the refugee camps. I’d see their faces every night on television when my parents would watch the news. I genuinely believed that I would be their hero one day. I had no doubts or fears about it. I just believed it. I imagined myself getting them out of the camps and protecting them from whoever tried to stop us. I think that’s one thing I really miss about being a kid. I didn’t second-guess myself. Not even for a second.

As I grew older, and got distracted with ‘adulthood,’ the flame that Mulan ignited in me dimmed down. Self-doubt creeped in, the reality of sexism came to life and the paralysis of politics and corruption disheartened me. Disillusionment spread and childlike imagination dissipated. Believing in myself turned into doubting myself. The fact that I was a woman held me back in a lot of cases. I sometimes focused on becoming more feminine and less ‘tough’ out of fear of judgement. I often held my tongue because I didn’t feel like it was ‘my place’ to speak. I became a by-stander in many different situations. Sometimes, I didn’t even stand-up for myself. I didn’t do it consciously. It just sort of happened over time… A large part of it was bowing down to social conditioning. A large part of it was seeing how other women were treated and convincing myself that this was ‘reality.’

Watching Mulan again allowed me to re-live those childhood emotions after a very long time. And it felt fucking amazing. I remembered the sense of empowerment, confidence and motivation that she gave me. Mushu the dragon made me laugh just as hard as he did 20 years ago. Back in the 90s, I never saw gender as a limitation. I wasn’t even aware of it. I was committed to the Arab Mulan, rain or shine.

One question I asked myself after watching Mulan recently was: why don’t I feel that unwavering self-confidence as often anymore? I’m not saying that my child-self was realistic. I’m not going to wake up tomorrow and become the ‘Arab Mulan.’ I’m not referring to the content of my beliefs but rather the emotions behind them: The fearlessness about thinking BIG. The fearlessness about being strong and brave, regardless of gender. Where did that shit go?!

Now, causality is hard to prove. However, looking back, I have a couple of guesses at what I let get to my confidence:

Maybe it was the time that I attended a professional meeting only to be asked if I went to university for the sole purpose of finding a husband?

Maybe it was the time that my ex-partner told me that it was unacceptable for me to make more money than him?

Maybe it was the time that I was told that I was being ‘too ambitious’?

Maybe it was the time that my classmate was shocked that I made it into the financial economics program because ‘not that many girls make it’?

Now, please do me a favor and don’t take this as a rant against men. Some women can be misogynistic and sexist too. In fact, one of the interactions above is with a woman. Moreover, there are so many great men and women out there that have advanced the cause of gender equality. Also, and more importantly, I take responsibility for the way these interactions impacted me. I let myself be a victim to them rather than take ownership of them. Perhaps it’s because I was somehow conditioned to react this way? It’s often easier to be the victim than the fighter. But the easier choice is not always the right one. The point is, I couldn’t control that those things were said to me, but I could control how I reacted to them. It was a challenge to come to this realization and I had to hear a lot of crap to get there.

An Encounter with M is not about the battle of the sexes.

An Encounter with M is my re-discovery of Mulan’s story at the age of 24. She reminded me that there’s no shame in embracing the daring parts of my child-self despite life’s very real obstacles (sexism and self-doubt to name a few). Yes, sexism is real. Yes, gender inequality is real. But that shouldn’t stop us from exploring a larger potential within ourselves. I’m done setting goals around these limitations. I’m setting goals despite them. At least, that’s the lesson M taught me twenty years later. She also reminded me of my younger, braver self, who’s been with me the whole time, but I just failed to take notice of her.

Even if you’re not an ‘athlete’, I hope you can apply this quote in some area of your life:

“Somewhere behind the athlete you’ve become, and the hours of practice, and the coaches who have pushed you, is a little girl (boy) who fell in love with the game and never looked back… play for her (him).” — Unknown.

I’m playing for the Arab Mulan.

Who are you playing for?

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