Finding a hobby

Earlier this week, I set out to find a hobby. Hobbies are generally things that people have developed through years of interests and passions, and maybe childhood memories like fishing with your grandfather in the summer.They just sort of naturally occur, it seems. However at twenty five years old, I don’t seem to have one. Not a one.

Sure, I like to work out and watch indie films. But lately the two, among several things I used to enjoy didn’t feel like they were…mine. I had been putting it off for months if not years, “finding” a hobby. To be honest, I find the process very artificial. Shouldn’t a hobby just come naturally to me? Should a trip to Michael's craft shop make me feel like a fraud? Because it does and I hate going in there. I will peruse the aisles for twenty minutes and be baffled by the fact that nothing in there interests me. Does this mean I’m not as arty and creative as my choices in nail polish color lead people to believe?

The fact of the matter is, I wanted a hobby that was not my boyfriend. Though it is embarrassing to admit, in the past I’ve faltered in letting my relationship become my entire life. To the point where if my partner wanted to do something without me, it seemed like a direct insult to me. Yes, I was very self absorbed; but I was an idiot in love with my first boyfriend and I had some major insecurity issues. Still do. Though that relationship came and went, I’ve been in a new “adult” one for the last year, where both of us are taking steps into careers that we will embark on for the rest of our lives and maybe rely on for a mortgage and other stuff that adults deal with. My biggest take away from my past endeavors in love was: DO NOT DO WHAT YOU DID LAST TIME. That was the motto. This week I’d put that motto to use. Specifically this week, because my significant other has started training with the New York City Police Academy, and would be fairly busy/exhausted/MIA for the next six months. So it was now or never, or crying a lot because I was bored and couldn’t text him.

On my first day of making this change, I started to journal. I hate saying that, journal. I sound like a twelve year old in it, but hopefully no one sees it, ever. I also started tracking everything I ate, where I even fess up to eating chocolate pound cake and write in parenthesis “PMS” next to it. I mean if I lie to a notebook, who am I kidding? On the second day, I did laundry. I never do laundry on a weekday, but what else did I have to do? I bought a fabric softener that I liked the smell of and used way too much of and my Wonder Woman blanket smells amazing now. After the laundry, I made a trip to the drugstore. In a brave swoop, I picked up an at-home highlighting kit. I was going to be a strong, independent woman who doesn’t rely on a boyfriend and has caramel ash-blonde highlights that accentuated my eye color! Yes yes, this was going to be good. I also bought a six dollar bottle of wine that I sipped on while I waited the color to develop.

On the third day, I wore my hair very strategically at work to hide the orange patches on the back of my scalp. I bought some black hair dye during my lunch break and did not mention any of this to Michael when he texted me and asked how my day was at the end of the night. I went to the gym with a friend from work, which was fun except for the fact that I forgot my sports bra and couldn’t do anything that made anything…bounce. I looked like a total noob, the kind of girl I feel superior to at the gym. But still, another successful social interaction was complete!

When people do juice cleanses they say the first two days are torture, but then that third day they feel light as air, clear headed and re-energized. I can’t say how clear headed I am, since a botched dye job and too much wine was all I did this week. However, I’m learning that it’s not as hard to just, keep busy. Sure it was difficult the first couple of days, I missed him and being able to text him about mundane things about what I’m having for lunch. I was afraid I would feel lonely a lot. But at the end of the day, nothing changed in the dynamic of our relationship.When people are constantly around each other, in contact all day, they get bored. Sometimes they start fighting because one person is offended that the other seems bored with them. It becomes a vicious circle.

Aside from some distance being beneficial to my relationship, it seems it’s starting to be good for me. I don’t know if seventy two hours can suddenly create a whole new person, but I definitely feel different. I feel accomplished in a sense, the fact that I’m not a weepy mess seems like a lot of progress for me as an individual. Maybe I’m “coming into myself”. Gross.

I will continue to hone in on my search for a hobby. I’ve been wanting to spruce up my desk at work and have been eyeing a pinterest board about faux succulents. I may even make a trip to Michael's this weekend, but this time with a game plan in mind. Tonight I am hitting the gym with a vengeance, with my most supportive sports bra. Part of my hobby search is to lose the thirty pounds I’ve gained in the last couple of years. Maybe I’ll become super shredded and ripped and start sparring and end up in a whole Million Dollar Baby situation, who knows!