Broken Tears(I Cry Them For You).

Nsuh Yose...
Sep 8, 2018 · 5 min read

I used to walk into the cold of many other nights and wish I caught a glimpse of a star. Some days, I would lose myself in the dark galaxy and not even the gentle moon would show me the way. On such days, I had to beg my way through the dead path while the slightly wet grass gently brushed my dirty feet clean till I caught the shadow of a tree shading the thin pale of light that shot through the front door’s veil. I was near home. At least I was lucky because I knew my way back home.

I used to tell my father I would grow up and be like Eddy Murphy, a fresh prince in New York. A happy man, a man with style, a beautiful house, a fancy car and above all, a beautiful wife. On Sunday mornings; I used to bathe before my older siblings, dress up all elegantly, book a date by myself with myself before the small parlor mirror and carefully observe my face, my fingers, my belt; if properly put, my shoes; their glow, do they match with those trousers? My little bright colored tie upon my neck, nicely knotted by papa. I would hold mama’s hand and papa’s too, while we crossed the mission school to the nearby church where I would sit before the faint-eyed preacher who threw lazy words at a congregation that marveled at him like they were before an angel in human skin.

These were memories I so cherished till I met yours. I used to smile at those, till I pried into us holding each other one day. Now I visit my long beloved darkness alone upon a a cold pavement i sit and make tendus with my mind swallowed in thoughts of you, running around our lane which we desingned for two, recalling the days you’ll say “I love you too”. Gasp! I catch a tear, broken in two equal halves, standing two sided upon my sloppy cheeks, as I pay homage to the times we’ll live like tongue and teeth, hip and knee, groin and loin, breast and chest, paw and palm, head and hair, what about the lonely nights we’ll make those plans? Is this kind love we’ll share mere blandiloquence? Does it mean angels now rejoice in hell?

Thinking about never finding you again makes me inane. I lay here thinking about your absence, my chest feels heartless, a big hole that once harbored big arteries tied to a blood pumping vessel that died some time ago. I have begged for bread on Xmas day, slept in a cell for an unknown case, sold my self for what tongue can’t tell but none of these shit hurts like the pain I feel right now. The pain of me from you is a pain so sickening sick. As I carry me strolling down into this pit, I watch my soul bleed from the paws of the one I loved, I had loved, goddammit I still love you, I hope to love you even better in any near future if we ever meet again!! Though hurtful how I am bruising in your silence, your silhouette beats like violence, blinded and tricked in your radiance I was sold into tears by your valiance..see my jaws are wet with broken tears as I watch my poor spirit weep in anguish for you.

But what is faith without belief? What is a sky without a sun? What of a body without a heart? I swear living life without you is like diving into an empty pool, like hurrying to a closed shop. See how ridiculous it is what you have done to me. I’m drowning in the sky, I’m flying in the ocean. My midnights are sunny, my noondays are dark. I know no peace, I know no ease. Since your hello lost its "o" the precedent has been my home "oh what a hell?" Is all I scream but the question dies without an answer. Please come back here. My jaws are wet with broken tears I’ve cried along all day long.

A little boy touched me from the back and said he’d love to smile like me. He asked me why my smiles are so big, bigger than the ones he sees on his daddy’s face. He said I have an amazing face. I felt so ashamed to even answer as he stood there waiting for me to teach him how to smile. How do give him what I do not have? I had no choice but to brush his soft hair with my hand, bend low and draw a treacherous grin that looked like a perfect smile and shy off to the other side of the road cuz I couldn’t sell him emotions. The truth is, you have turned my smiles into beautiful frowns. Nobody knows each day how short of myself I am because I wear tall shoulders, broad chest, wide smiles, fine perfume, good shoes and clothes just to mask my insecurities. All these are designer pains, painted humor and silent groans. I am a dreary treasure crafted by you. Longing to be healed and accepted by you. See how my face is fading with broken tears I carry on the slopes of my jaws waiting for you to come back home.

My heart just keeps on going on like John Brown’s moulding body in a grave. When my neighbor asks me why I love to sit outside each night, I will tell her, I am shooting for stars. And one day I believe I will catch my missing star. I just miss you more every other day baby! I know you’re somewhere in the world longing for this man that imagines to be with you so dearly. I believe the sound of my pounding heart will grow visible enough one day for you to hear the sound of my love calling out to you, that someone out here is dying to meet and be with you. I’ve loved and I’ve lost you once. But if you come back baby, I’ll love you even better!

Nsuh Yose...

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