John Koudela III, maybe I can help in a small way.

The author expressed something like a desperate tiredness, anger, maybe hopelessness. It’s heartbreaking. Well, that is to say, to me, it’s heartbreaking. Did it feel like your heart was breaking while reading this, John? Or, let’s say, did tears keep welling up? Because of empathy. Because you can imagine, somewhat, what it feels like to be this person? If so, maybe you can give advice. Maybe. If not, then your advice is pretty much going to be for your own benefit, touching on your own needs and issues. Usually, that runs contrary to the best interests of the person you’re speaking with, so then you’re just making the world worse.

My thought is to say something like “This can’t have been easy to write. Thank you for sharing this. Please take care of yourself.” Maybe I should’t say that last part; making assumptions, giving advice. But I worry and he sounds maybe close to some kind of edge. I may have to eat crow on that, but probably not because somewhere in my words, you get the impression my heart went out and I really heard him, as best I could anyway.

Let’s look at your reply. You replied with very few words saying something that’s… pretty obvious, right? You even said “So” which emphasizes how obvious it is, as if it’s simply never occurred to him to write about the person beyond color.

Of all the dynamics he mentioned, and of all the possible directions your mind could go, the direction it went was to hand out a solution. That’s not what was wanted, asked for, or needed.

Worse, your solution is the one where a black guy writes less about color? Few people realize they’re tone deaf, so what would it take for you to consider the possibility that you might be one of the tone deaf people you hear about?

That’s enough to draw a lot of hate your way, but there’s something maybe even more fundamentally wrong here. Your comment was in the form of a command, telling him what to do. Socially, psychologically, grammatically, yes, your words were a command. “Do X.”

WE DO NOT COMMAND OUR EQUALS.

Absorb that for a moment. We naturally avoid using commands on people who we see as equal to ourselves. Absorb the truth of that statement. See how I just issued you a command to absorb something? That means I don’t consider you my equal. It doesn’t matter if I claim everyone has equal value or even if I truly believe my claim. The truth is evident in the words that came naturally. At that moment, I put you in the subservient position, which feels good for me, but doesn’t feel good for you.

I’ll put it a different way. Imagine if you loved the author. If you did, you would already know without me saying it, before the angry replies started, that you’re not helping.