new moon, who dis?

tonight’s new moon will probably mean absolutely nothing to most of you. but for some of us who are so inclined, this new moon means a chance to plant some seeds and prepare for the new year on a different note. i’m reporting to you live from my other desk, with a box of water to my right and a carton of chocolate covered raisins to my left. let’s talk.

so…… i’m a fraidy cat. i’m afraid of a lot of things. not sure if i mentioned it before but i am. and i think the majority of my fears are invalid, meaning they aren’t really worth acknowledging. but the way my mind has been set up thus far, they’ve been squatting in my brain, like that pesky blob in the mucinex commercials. i switched tenses in that last sentence to say that my mind is changing. my jesus year is over. for those of you playing the home game, at the end of jesus’ jesus year he died. and in a sense, so did i. i’m not trying to be disrespectful or blasphemous. what i’m saying is, being 33 was a challenge. all years divisible by 3 are. for me. but 33, being two threes, brought me some pain, and with that pain growth. i care not to recap. but i also was able to see aspects of my life more clearly than i could before.

for example

for about 12 years, i’ve believed that my life would be best used as a professor of literature or language studies. i fought for that dream. i looked at it from every angle, kicked the tires and decided that it would be a good way to ride off into the sunset of my life’s movie. then along came my jesus year and the opportunity to teach. to have a trial run at this dream i had held on to for a decade plus. and it was terrible. well, it wasn’t exactly terrible. but it didn’t really serve me. i am an efficient, engaging and arguably prolific facilitator, but being in a room full of first year students in this particular socio-political/ cultural climate left much to be desired. reality told me that i’d struggle with dealing with the types of discrimination and glass ceilings and foolishness in academia everywhere i go. logic said, you can go to counseling, get medicated, watch lots of black people television and get over that gnawing emptiness you feel, we fought for this. my heart said, call me when you’re done with this degree. i have other plans. my finances chimed in and said i could teach adjunct for a while if necessary until i made up my mind. but for me, giving my whole self (or at least as much as i feel is necessary to meet my personal standards) to a job that doesn’t really serve me, isn’t worth the time and debt necessary to get my PhD. not a knock to those who continue, but for me, other things are…. if you will…. calling.

i was driving one day and realized how fearful of things i had become. i wasn’t really always this way. but in a way i was. i was just better at quieting my fear and moving forward. 33 said no more. 33 said, instead of saying no so much, how about some yeses. but yes meant commitment. yes meant moving into a new uncomfortable space. yes was exactly what i needed.

funny thing about the universe….

when you say you want something, or someone, and that yes is directly aligned with what you’re supposed to have or do or be. it will come at you fast.

so books started arriving. books for leisure and books for personal growth. and whereas before i could only read a little while and then i’d get bored, or agitated, these books were page turners. i couldn’t put them down. and my mind raced with thoughts and feelings. i started saying yes to the small still voices and the gentle goading and the seemingly random thoughts and life got really interesting. i’m probably going to post a blog i wrote about doing vision boards. it’s old but it’ll help me illustrate my point.

my little sister is a master at manifesting things. and she inspires me to do things. like vision boards and changing my mind about shit. and lowkey changing my diet but i have to fall out of love with swine and carbs and coffee again before i get on her level.

i decided to do a vision board. again. i’ve done them before and they’ve “failed”. because i failed them. because i was afraid. of success. of being right about me. of being outside of my comfort zone. away from people i had no business being near in the first place. afraid of failure. uh frayed…..like my nerves. my anxiety has been on defcon 27 since i started saying yes. well, i’m probably paying it more attention now because i’ve been listening more intently to my thoughts to help justify my fears. english is my comfort zone. i am good at it and i can do it in theory, with no hands. and because i’m comfortable with it. it’s driving me nuts. i don’t want it. i want other things. non english, non academic things. i need them.

i wrote down some affirmations last year and posted them all over my apartment. most of them have manifested in ways i didn’t really expect. and in a relatively short amount of time. and when i tell you they are everywhere, they are everywhere. on my walls, over my bed, on my mirrors. next to every door i enter and exit. there they are. simple message of gratitude like “i’m thankful for a warm bed”, and “i’m thankful for sunlight” to more complex things that i want for my future self and those i love. i saw them everyday and they became real. i’m here for it.

so in my year of yes (and sometimes no), i’ve decided to plant some seeds. the things i’m putting on this board will take a lot of time, and energy and determination, but i think it’s time for me to put them out of my brain and into the universe. i’d love to tell you what they are but they’re none of your business, yet. right now they’re metaphorically splayed all over my floor waiting to be affixed to this tri-fold board i got from michael’s. someone asked me what i was going to use it for. when i told them they said ‘that’s pretty big for a vision board, you must have big dreams’….if they only knew. but this isn’t the only one. i’m doing several because i’m not as afraid. i figure it’s been 7 years since i left my life in atlanta and moved home. it’s been 7 years since i loc’d my hair, i’m 34 (3+4=7 for you numerologists) and i think some completion will be happening this year. and although part of me is petrified, i’m more afraid of what will happen if i continue to live as if i never knew what it felt like to dream.

for those of you reading this and thinking about evicting your vision from your brain, heart, wherever and putting it somewhere (insta, pinterest, posterboard) i say go for it. this paper got me shook but i’m proud of myself for doing it. because i’m worth the effort. there ain’t a damn thing about me that’s mediocre, so why wouldn’t i challenge myself to MY version of great? will i manifest everything on this board? maybe not. some things are predestined. but i’d rather go for the boston than get set (for my spades players). i’m counting all my possibles.

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