What It Feels Like To Hate Yourself
Failure begins to become your only comfort because you’ve forgotten what it feels like to feel good about yourself. You feel paralyzed because every decision that is laid in front of you is not viewed from a rational perspective. Every decision you make is from a place of despair and pain. The choices don’t matter to you anymore because you don’t care about yourself. People tell you that your only hurting yourself, but what if deep down I believe that’s what I deserve? Can you say anything to me to change that? I have hurt so many people in my life who I claimed to love, but everytime it happens I yell and scream that I never meant to. They say the same thing everytime, “That’s what you said last time. Why would I believe you now?”. They’re right. Why should they believe me? But I can tell you that after every one of those moments where I broke down by myself after hurting those I profess to love, I searched for the truth. Did I really want to hurt my mom? Did I want to hurt my sister? The answer is no, but I wanted to hurt myself. I don’t know if there’s anyone who’ll ever see this and understand that feeling, but I write this for that one person who hopefully does. Because I know that I needed someone to feel that pain with me. I don’t know why deep down I don’t give a shit about myself and it scares me, but I can’t lie to myself anymore about it. I’m not happy and I struggle to remember what it’s like to feel like that. To be joyful and careless. I never thought I would ever feel this way and now the opposite is true. I don’t know how to stop feeling this way. When you live with this sadness and self hatred every day it becomes your refuge. Your mind needs to find comfort and solace in something and that becomes self hatred. It allows me to push through the days. To keep going, but I don’t want to continue you like this. It’s not a way to live. That’s why I’m fighting like hell to get out of here because forgetting how to love yourself is a death sentence. You don’t want to progress. You don’t want to make better decisions. You just want it all to stop. Anything to make the pain you feel and cause others stop. To give in to the voice that tells you what a worthless piece of shit you are. If 10 year old me could tell me now that when I fall asleep at night sometimes my last thought would be hoping to never wake up and my first thought in the morning was FUCK WHY CANT IT BE OVER…I wouldn’t believe him. I wrote this because mental health is a bullshit taboo subject between us. We hide our issues because we are ashamed and we mock others who show the courage to do what we cannot. I don’t want to live like this anymore and I know that so many of you that struggle with mental health issues agree. I want us to be there for one and other to know that it’s ok to talk about these problems. Always know that you are not alone. In a way it’s a terrible thing to say to someone struggling with depression, but coming from someone who knows your struggle we need to remember it. Knowing how many times I’ve told the people I’ve hurt I’m sorry I know it means nothing to them, but I am from the bottom of my heart. I never meant to be like this and I’m fighting to be the person you once remembered. We all are and we will do this together.