Perfect Parenting
There is a widespread idea we are adopting as parents. It is a perfect world of parenting. I believe the first time I came across this idea was during my childhood, specifically, Full House. Everything about this television show exalted perfect parenting. In my mind it was the ideal lifestyle, a father who raises three girls with the help of his close friends. It was a home of a tight knit family with structure. Yet, I could not relate as my mother was a single parent who worked two jobs most of my life. Our way of settling arguments usually did not involve conversations or hugs. Time with my mother was always limited, nevertheless she managed to pass on morals and values to her children. The memories my siblings and I hold dear, come from unexpected moments and probably five minutes of her devoted time. I am convinced we have adopted a new form of raising children which aims at modeling perfect parenting. This new idea of spending a considerable amount of time with our children is somehow expected. Not fulfilling this idea leads parents to feel guilt and failure. Ultimately, what is at stake here is the future generations we are raising.
Parenting undeniably is a complex process by which our children are highly impacted. We ultimately serve as a role model and even a simple decision can hurt or benefit our children. Additionally, this new idea of “perfect parenting” is driving parents to their limits. Exactly what is “perfect parenting”? This question can be hard to explain since parenting has no specific guidelines. Yet, this new parenting style is defined by how much time is available for our children.
In fact, the University of California, Irvine states parents are spending more time with their kids today compared to the 60’s. This is a huge shift, since we participant in a fast paced lifestyle. Besides attending to the daily needs of the home, children are in extracurricular activities adding to the demanding agenda. Not to mention it is nearly impossible to raise children on a single income, thus you and your counterpart both work. The idea that parents should spend more time with their children is an ineffective ideology. Although, statistics confirm that a strong parent child relationship holds many benefits, the amount of time contributed has little or no effect. In fact, I suggest we are overlooking the important issues we should be addressing with our children such as life skills. As parents we should do away with the guilt and arm ourselves with knowledge in order to produce healthy children.
Surprisingly, parents strive daily to spend as much time at home as possible. This may seem like the logical route, in reality as parents we may be producing children incapable of thriving. Time is a continuous progression always moving forward never pausing to “cease the moment” as we tend to say. If we rely on the amount of time we spend at home as the key to parent our kids. We have been failing tremendously. No amount of time can replace the quality of time a child receives. It is the one on one attention and engagement that is important. It can take a brief fifteen minutes to change the future of our children.
The key is quality, what we are investing in those fifteen minutes will produce a functional member of society. Brigid Schulte author of, “Making time for Kids? Study says quality trumps quantity” agrees when she writes, “Amy Hsin, a sociologist at Queens College, has found that parents who spend the bulk of their time with children under 6 watching TV or doing nothing can actually have a “detrimental” effect on them.” A child’s mind is like a sponge and continuously learning, especially during the early developmental years. Taking advantage of these years is critical, yet it does not require limitless amounts of time.
Furthermore, Alexandra Murphy author of, “Parental Influence on The Emotional Development of Children” supports this idea when she writes, “Sometimes, just being physically present is not enough. Parents that may be nearby but that are not emotionally invested or responsive tend to raise children that are more distressed and less engaged with their play or activities.” As mentioned spending ample amounts of time with children can be detrimental. Parents we must understand, children need devoted attention not unlimited time.
As mentioned we are role models and as parents we should serve as guidance. In fact, just taking a few moments to redirect or counsel your child has a great impact. Children should seek your wisdom for their own decision making. This is an important skill a child must learn to accomplish. As parents we must interfere as little as possible. If not, we may become a “helicopter parent” constantly hovering over our children’s every step as stated by Alissa Greenberg in, “Helicopter Parenting Hurts Kids Regardless of Love or Support Study Says.” Spending time to help our children accomplish healthy decisions is important. It becomes ineffective the moment we abuse this power. In the article “Parental Influence on the Emotional Development of Children,” Alexandra Murphy explains, “Instead, guiding children’s emotions and helping them find ways to express themselves in a healthy manner helps them continue regulating their responses to challenges and even aids their academic and social competence.” I closely relate this to coaching a team. The coach serves as a guidance figure always present, but does not necessarily spend innumerable amounts of time with its players. The impact you make as a parent is not measured by the time you are present. It is how you impact your children’s development. Strongly in agreement Alexandra Murphy further states, “Parents can help their children develop into emotionally stable people by giving them a supportive environment, positive feedback, role models of healthy behavior and interactions, and someone to talk to about their emotional reactions to their experiences.” Children need to count on their parents, we are their backbone. The amount of time set aside for children is irrelevant when compared to guidance and reinforcement.
Additionally, we may be jeopardizing our children and ourselves pursuing this idea. Brigid Schulte author of “Making time for kids? Study says quality trumps quantity” agrees with this statement, “In fact, the study found a key instance when parent time can be particularly harmful to children. That’s when parents, mothers in particular, are stressed, sleep-deprived, guilty and anxious. ” As parents we often overlook our physical and mental wellbeing to keep this ideology on track. We push to extreme measures such as coffee binging and late night chores. We do such things in order to maximize time with our children. Brigid Schulte further reinforces with this statement, “The idea that mothers’ time with children is “irreplaceable” and “sacred,” they contend, has led to mothers cutting back on sleep and time to themselves in order to lavish more time and attention on their kids.” Dealing with the constant stresses of work, children, social, and extracurricular activities we find ourselves burned out. The emotional and physical state of a parent is important in order to avoid fatigue driven decisions and language. With the constant pressure to keep up with this idea. The time engaged with our children during these moments may not be of any constructive use. It is fine to accept that there is not an appropriate amount of time.
Parents find this concept hard to understand and good parenting is measured by how much time is spent with their children. The parent child relationship has for many decades been argued. Before a technology driven era, children allocated most of their time playing outdoors. All the while parents tended to the home. Unlike the new style of parenting, parents would allow their children dangerous amounts of free time. Children played until each meal time and then resumed their activities. Children were not worried about spending time with their parents they were focused on being children.
Additionally, drug abuse, pre-marital intercourse, and crime are frequently related to the parent child relationship. Parents are blamed for not spending enough time with their children and as a result America’s society has earned another criminal or pregnant teenager. Although there are statistics that suggest the correlation, we disregard external influences. Common influences include peers, social media, and television. Children are persuaded daily by external forces. For example, my eight year old son received a pair of Kevin Durant basketball shoes as gift. These pair of shoes had a different color for each shoe, and as a parent I still don’t understand the new trend. Well needless to say within a week his best friend was now “rocking” the same pair. The power of external influences in my opinion are underestimated. The fact that eight year old boys in elementary can influence each other in the area of shoes is appalling; I am certain drug abuse, pre-martial intercourse, and criminal activity begin in a similar fashion. Spending more time with our children does not automatically guarantee or eliminate their chances of drug abuse, pre-marital intercourse, and crime. Above all, building a strong foundation through devoted time and engagement will.
Ultimately, as parents we must abolish the idea of perfect parenting based on the amount of time available for our children. We must focus on activities which will help the future generations to thrive. Simple engagements such as meal times, books, coloring, parks, or board games provides this devoted time of engagement. It allows our children to feel wanted and accepted. More importantly educating our children on values, morals, and ethics will help build a strong foundation and relationship which they will always be able to rely on.
Parents should refrain from overprotecting and decimate the feeling of guilt. Children need exemplary role models to whom they can seek for advice. Not to be governed by a helicopter mom or dad. Focusing on life skills and decisions will assist them to weather the natural storms life can give. Children are the future and as parents it is our duty to rear a child who will be able to function in society. Ultimately, the time invested in children is not an important factor when raising a child. The widespread ideology that parenting is associated to the amount of time devoted to their children, in my opinion, is merely a myth.