Arnab Goswami interviews Bertie Wooster

AB- Good afternoon. Meet a typical representative of the languid and laid back British aristocracy, Mr. Bertie Wooster. For those not familiar with his chronicler, the hack PG Wodehouse, Bertie Wooster belongs to the British idle rich classes.

AG- Times Now, welcomes a distinguished member of the British aristocracy, Mr. Bertie Wooster to our studio. Can you please tell our viewers, how you are on India’s most popular news channel, by a long chalk?

BW (bemused) — Eh, Did you say, long chalk? What is this talk about chalk? I can not quiet make out, Mr. Goose Smarmy?

AG- I asked you, how you came to India to appear in Times Now evening hour, the most admired program in India, probably Asia, arguably even the whole world.

BW- Goose, You might know, Super chef Anatole dishes out divine libations at my aunt Dahlia’s country home Brinkley. Seems Uncle Travers has business dealings with Bennet Coleman, a media group. The aunt ruled that yours truly would bid permanent goodbye to Anatole’s entrees and soufflés, unless I went to India and popularized the British way of life to the masses there. With such a threat, what choice did I have?

AG- What exactly do you do, Mr. Wooster?

BW- Goose! Rum question. What do I do? Never quite figured that out, old fruit. No one I know does any work, unless one counts what looney doctor Roderick Glossop does, as work. What made you think I worked, eh?

AG- You must be doing something, surely. I want to know, rather India wants to know. One cannot be totally idle.

BW- Why not? I believe in your TV shows if one does not know the answer, one can dial a friend! Can I phone my man Jeeves? You know, he eats plenty of fish. That makes him very brainy. He knows all the answers.

AG- Assamese also eat a lot of fish. It does not seem to be doing us much good. This line of discussion is not getting us anywhere. You are obviously dodging the issue. Let me ask you a direct and personal question- Have you ever contemplated marriage? I want a straight answer.

BW- Many times, old bean. Been on the brink and saved in the nick of time. Whenever it is springtime, birds twitter, blossoms blush and the sun shines, I succumb and propose to the nearest available ghastly female. I have been engaged to aspiring poetesses, jolly hockey players, budding novelists and what else. Mercifully, Jeeves comes to my rescue every time. To use his words. ‘Brings matters to a satisfactory conclusion’.

AG- (Alluding to the garish pink tie of Bertie Wooster) you seem to have a unique and original sartorial sense. I expect Jeeves chooses your clothes.

BW- Good Lord, no. That is his fatal flaw. His taste in clothes is somber and funeral, suited only for attending wakes. Every time he pulls me out of a jam, it is goodbye to the latest smart tie or a scarf I had chosen.

AG- Done any sightseeing in India?

BW- Not yet, but plan to visit a nifty little tomb Taj Mahal at a place called Agra nearby, as advised by Jeeves. He told me that an old Nabob built it in gratitude for a wife who popped off early and left him in peace.

Frankly, I cannot wait to get back to old blighty, to the rain, fog and street noises of London. Goodbye.

AG- Goodbye Mr. Wooster 
 AG- To the audience- Now you know why England lost the Empire and the Ashes!

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