An Open letter to Jaz
You ruined me…
Note: That last letter quiet certainly was not meant to be open (in hindsight). This one most definitely should be. In my relapse, I have only thought about my past. This is where it all began. One person destroyed something inside me — probably forever.
Almost 10 years ago, we fell in love — or whatever that was. 10 years ago, I moved cities for you. 8 years ago, I fought with the world for you. I was naive and young. Sure! So were you. But all that happened and that is indeed a fact. A fact I have to live with — a fact I do not try to run away from.
And then with the snap of a finger you vanished. Off the radar! Gone! Your family was not in my control. Their decisions were not in my control.
Before I knew it, you were gone.
Not a word. Nothing.
That last phone call. All I told you was I will wait for you. For your call. For your word.
And I waited.
And I waited..
Before I knew, I had waited for three years…
Because I like to keep my promises no matter what….
Because you meant that much and more back then!
Today, I realize that, that lack of closure has ruined me. It has ruined me inside. The reason I am emotionally so weak and so fragile is because that wound never healed. I thought it did. I like to think it did. I like to think the last message I wrote to you, made me let go of you completely. But no!
I guess, I just let go of the idea of you — not the ways in which it had affected me.
And that which lay in ruins inside of me, has turned everything I love and feel happy about — some friendships and some relationships — to ruin too. Everything always comes down to that unfortunate monsoon day in 2009.
The world thinking I was responsible for your parents forcing you to go poof — did not matter to me, and I gave no clarifications to anyone — not your friends, not my friends — no one.
Countless people hate on me to this day, but I never cared for that. Only you mattered back then. How many friends I lost back then — people I had known my entire childhood — I have lost a count!
I kept on counting days and moving forward — with a drive to be better — an all-rounder in my studies and what all. I know I strived, so that if I ever stood in front of your parents again — I won’t be a nobody. And I lived completely — I had my happy times and I had my sad times. I made new friends. Met fabulous people and made some utterly fabulous memories. But your memories would time and again come forth from the abyss and drive me down and yet I persevered with some false hope that your response will come some day.
On my part, I could have healed myself in those three years, and yet I just let it all pass. I was procrastinating about my grief, about my first true spell of depression, about this darkness inside me. I let it all not pull me down and destroy me by saying to myself — “she will call, I believe it!”. There was a voice inside that knew this will never happen. But I was running away from that grief. For six months after you vanished, I was devastated. My life had come to a halt. I was scared to relive all that, so I clung on to that false hope.
You could have called me back then therein, the next day, the next week — I would have been broken or whatever, devastated even (as I was) — but at least I would have truly heeled.
The wounds that wait has inflicted — and maybe they are self-inflicted — has destroyed my every attempt at relationship since. It has grown in me this massive fear that everything will go down as you did. That every person will hurt me as you did. That it will all burn to the ground as you did.
It has made me cling on to false hopes and what all.
It has made me this person, I never was — I never usually am. In my darkest of times, I am always that same person — this shadow of myself. Before, I met you — I was the jovial care-free lad. I have hardly changed in general. But, I lose that every single time this darkness comes knocking on my door.
The worst part is that now I cannot even push back this darkness so I let it overwhelm me. I let it creep in and destroy me. I still have false hopes in me about various things. I still make expectations that end up disappointing me just like with you.
I make so many expectations that I end up in a loop. I make expectations to get out of my depression. Just as I did with you. I make expectations to die another day and not today. And when those expectations are not met — I get even more depressed.
It happened this time around too. But, what took me three years to do with you, I am trying to do as soon as I can this time around. It is hard. I wish I had learnt it back then. I would have been so much better now.
So many people — from this rather amazing girl I met to my loving friends and my family — so many people would not have had to go through my “bullshit” if only I would have learnt these lessons, when the time was right.
And all my downward spirals have only one theme to them — matters of the heart. All thanks to that chapter of my life.
And every single time, I have looked at another beautiful face with the hope that this time all will go well, and sometimes (even as recent as last December) I have felt I met someone who will make me forget all those fears and move forward without this hangover of the past — I have still fallen prey at the slightest of triggers to those same fears that you ignited with your one action (or rather lack of it).
I do not know if I can blame you. I do not know if I should even blame your parents for all that transpired. After all it was my decision — to hold on and not let go, up until that one day in 2013, when I finally wrote that message to you (I still have no clue if it ever reached you — but I did not have that expectation anyways). That was what my friends told me to do. That was what I promised to them. If I was going to write to you — I was going to let it all go.
I was moving ahead in life, starting anew in another part of the world. For two months I relapsed once again all because of you and the trigger was that somebody spotted you in town. Ha!
I let it all out, and I let it go. I was a fool. True! But I had made a promise…
I have always kept my promises.
To everyone. You knew that. Everyone knew that back then. I am the same today. I keep my promises. Period.
And today, countless relationships lay broken below my feet. All those fears are still there and come back to haunt me at the slightest of triggers.
My nostalgia of things comes from that fear. My hoarding of things and memories comes from that fear. That fear of losing something valuable!
I could lose all my wealth and health to the march of life, and I will not give two shits as I never did. But the loss of friends and loved ones to distance and time, affects me in such different ways as it does not a normal human being…
And I do not know if I will ever heal for time and again I have found myself in the clutches of depression that feeds on that same one fear…
And I do not know if I will ever be able to touch something beautiful and not leave it in ruins…
I have tried again and again to be better and to not let fears ignited by you come back to haunt me and yet they do…
I have forayed into the realms of the unknown future with head held high — confident and fearless — only to come out of it the same as in 2010. With that same one fear — perhaps the only fear I have known and with all confidence vanquished!
Maybe love is not for me anymore. Maybe I will not live completely ever again no matter how much I wish.
Jaz! All you had to do was make a call…
PS: I wanted to hate you and many a times in my grief, I would feel that emotion. But this has never truly happened. Not before and not even today while writing this. I took the blame for all that happened to you. So like with me holding on even that was my fault. I could have been someone else, but my emotions were innocent then and they are such now — and I thought you were the one person who I had truly opened up to who knew that reality and yet… The fear is so strong, that I am yet to open up to someone that way. I think I do that sometimes — though in desperation — and only when everything is going downhill and my fears have shrouded my rationality.