Oceans
Since I was a child I had this peculiar fear of oceans. For me, it was unpredictable, mysterious big and dark. Because I couldn’t see where I would step by, and suddenly I would be deeper in it, so I could drown.
The first time we talked, there was oceans between us. You were walking on the beach in Dominican Republic, while we talk through our phones. I could hear the ocean behind you, almost going through your voice. The first time it sounded calm to me.
The first time I saw you, you crossed the oceans and landed in my arms. I felt my body sinking, deeper and deeper. I had fear, I didn’t know where I was stepping by and god damn it, you were so unpredictable, so mysterious. The first time I wanted to dive.
The first time I said goodbye to you, you had to cross the ocean and make your way back home. The same ocean which took me away from you. The tide took me farther and farther. Missing you came in waves, that hit me harder and harder. The first time I felt my lungs full of water, probably my tears, and I couldn’t breath.
The second time I saw you, I had to cross the ocean. I never did it before. Right there, in the clouds, I could see it: it was really unpredictable, mysterious, big, and also scary. But I finally felt the power of the ocean: it was taking me back to you.
The second time I dive into you, I wasn’t so afraid. I was more interested in discover your mysteries, your dark caves, and every life that lives in your deepest places. I still didn’t know where I was stepping by, but I closed my eyes and I just felt my feet touching your floor. The waves were kind to me and I navigated in you, as one who seeks a destiny, as one who explores all the ways.
The second time I said goodbye to you, we danced by the song of Seafret, I cried every time he sang “there’s oceans between you and me, once again”. I felt like every wave of the five oceans of the world were hitting me on the chest. I could feel the wind taking you from me, and your hand letting go of my hand. I felt drowning.
Truth is I was afraid of love. Just like I was afraid of the ocean. I was a 20 years old girl who was struggling with love just like I struggled with the ocean when I was a child and tried to run from the waves. Because I couldn’t hold on to it and make sure it will never changed. I couldn’t know for sure what would happen when I was diving there, I couldn’t know where the waves could take me.
Until I founded you, and you allowed me to dive and to navigate safely in your water.
And now I know for sure, that the ocean which takes you from me, the ocean between us, it’s the same ocean that will bring us
B A C K.
