Major League Baseball announces deal with Vine for 2017

Yesterday, old Republican men and a small percentage of adolescent girls who are attracted to baseball pants celebrated Opening Day in Major League Baseball. Today, the MLB announced a deal they believe will embrace a new type of customer.

Starting next season, all MLB games will be live-streamed on Vine. That’s right, every pitch (and none of the crap in between).

While Vine has been a source of entertainment since it’s genesis, the popular digital app is looking to expand its horizons into something boring: professional baseball.

“If we can make baseball popular again … Gosh, what an accomplishment that would be. Our users probably hate baseball, but we’ve made like 20 million dollars since 2012, so why not take a risk?” said Jack Dorsey, CEO of Twitter, which bought Vine a few years ago.

Why not take a risk? Maybe because other social media platforms have swallowed up the market for video snippets on social media. Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred put his own cynical twist on the story. “We bonded over losing customers. Instagram and Snapchat are to Vine what the NFL and NBA are to us,” he said.

These candid quotes are rare considering the “Outrage Society/Industry” and tweeters using their keyboards as pitchforks in today’s age … well, the honesty is strange unless you consider that we never identified ourselves as journalists or informed either individual that we were recording our conversations, but that’s neither here nor there.

However, our recorders were clearly presented when we met with Goose Gossage.

Here’s what the Goose had to say: “I don’t know what you’re talking about but I’ll tell you this, everything about today’s youth sucks. Nobody deserves to be happy. Baseball is life or death. I hate everything and everyone except my former teammates. I don’t even like you, get out of my face with that telephone. Are you recording this?!”

ESPN, Turner, and Fox Sports — which collectively have a $12.4 billion television deal with Major League Baseball — declined to comment for this story. Perhaps because fucking Vine is cutting into their revenue stream.