April — compilation of my random thoughts
I haven’t been in a good place mentally for the past month or so. The last time I remember being this mentally tired was probably last year when I was going through depression. The same feelings are slowly creeping in. I feel like I am slowly about to break down, I am really scared.
I want to go away and scream at the top of my lungs, because I am so angry. But the thing is, I cannot figure out exactly why I am angry. Is it the stress of college interviews? Is it my family? Myself?
I am keeping myself locked away in my room, every single day and I know this doesn’t help me, its making it worse. My depression is relapsing. Although, I wouldn’t use that word, since my depression never got better, it just keeps getting worse every single time it relapses. I am mentally tired every day, overthinking and stressing about everything.
Last night, I contemplated taking sleeping pills because I haven’t been able to sleep for the past week. I have stopped taking them for about five months now. It scares me, the thought of not being able to sleep at the time that I normally fall asleep. Laying awake, tossing and turning and getting frustrated at myself.
I hate going out. The process of dressing up and walking out of my apartment is too much psychical work for me. I have to mentally prepare myself if I ever go out. I am not extrovert. I wouldn’t talk to a person that I have never met before and even if I did, I would start stuttering.
I am scared that everything is going to fall apart. I almost cried today because I couldn’t take it anymore. I know that I am minutes away from having a mental breakdown. I do not know what to do. I know that I should get better, but I am lost, angry and overthinking too much. I just wish it would all stop.