In honor of the first day of fall, the first day of Libra season and Halloween being just around the corner, I combined my favorite obsessions: the zodiac, and women in horror films. Let’s start with Libra!
Libra: Miriam Blaylock, The Hunger
What’s behind Libra’s irrestible charm? Is it their impeccable style, or their flirtatious nature? Maybe it’s their sense of fairness — Miriam would prefer to send her devoted lover to do her dirty work than kill for herself — or their perfect androgyny and sexual fluidity. Or are Libras just able to glamor you and hold you in their spell until it’s too late and you’re left with a slit throat or you’re stuffed in their crypt of The Formerly Thirsty? At least you’ll be treated to a couple great records and a banging party and possibly David Bowie on loan before they take you for their vampire prey.
Scorpio: Anna, Possession
Anna is a perfect embodiment of the Scorpio Horniness Level: so unsatisfied with both war hero (?) husband and libertine sidepiece that she decides to create her own perfect lover via an arachnid creature that she both gives birth to and fucks, leaving a trail of blood, explosions, domestic messes, and indecipherable dark monologues in her wake. And she has Scorpio Revenge covered too: she’s also created a “good” doppelgänger of herself just to torment her ex, the very creation of whom may cause the end of humankind. Like INSECTS! Petty.
Sagittarius: Ganja, Ganja & Hess
It’s hard to keep a Sagittarius down. Finding your husband murdered by a vampire would be a bad day for most other signs, but an ever buoyant Sag could simply ask the vampire to bite her too, making herself a bride again in a matter of minutes. It doesn’t hurt if he’s hotter than her late husband, either. The sign of change, flexibility, and adventure already exists in two realms anyway (horse & human) so crossing over to the undead side doesn’t even seem that much of a stretch… that’s basically their Tuesday.
Capricorn: She, Antichrist
Ruled by The Devil card in the tarot, Capricorns are a blend of practicality and ruthlessness that can hunt you down no matter where you try to hide. They’re also the most no-nonsense, literal sign, so when Charlotte Gainsbourg’s character’s husband removes her from the structure of society for “therapy” and surrounds her with texts about the inherently evil nature of women, he’s just asking for trouble. The idea of chaos reigning may scare the shit out of a Capricorn, but it’s less scary than letting you get away.
Aquarius: The Female, Under the Skin
Hand-picked as a mortal by Zeus to serve the gods, the namesake of the Aquarius sign got stuck somewhere between the stars and earth. What better sign to put in charge of an alien mission to mimic a human woman in order to seduce and kill unwitting men than Aquarius? Emotionless? Check. Ability to create a simulacrum of a human while being cold as fuck inside? Check. But if another weirdo manages to crack an Aquarian exterior and unleash some emotion, they’re done for. I’m not crying, that’s just something my body is doing.
Pisces: Valerie, Valerie and Her Week of Wonders
Pisces is a perfect match to wander in and out of a bunch of interlocking surrealistic horror stories with, using their uncanny empathy and creativity to help family and friends recover stolen jewelry, escape vampire boyfriends, and avoid being burned at the stake. Did they mention they’re friends with death, and definitely in a real and not imaginary way? They’re not just a child lost in a flight of fancy, right? Right.
Aries: Alucarda, Alucarda
Fire, fury, and the unstoppable will to win: Aries is the sign to roll up to your convent, immediately make you their best friend, overthrow your school, and turn nuns into willing satanic orgy participants in a matter of days. The only things Aries does not have time in a day for is trimming their split ends. (I said it before on Trash Twins and I’ll say it again here: Alucarda 100% came back as this woman on Bridezillas.)
Taurus: Jeanne, Belladonna of Sadness
Sensual earth sign Taurus would love nothing more than to chill in nature all day, maybe cast a few spells to make crazy money, weave flowers together, have lazy afternoon sex with satan to boost their power, eat a couple mushrooms, maybe raise a few victims of the plague from the dead, you know, no big deal. It’s too bad the feudal lords are so afraid of their big ideas and insist on burning them at the stake.
Gemini: Laura Palmer, Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me
Who else but a Gemini could get away with having a thousand different personae and a thousand different boyfriends in one small town (who either don’t suspect or don’t care)? But the real question is: who is a Gemini at heart? A cruel frenemy or a loyal friend? A star student or a grifter doing key bumps in your high school bathroom? An aggressor or a victim? Does the Gemini themselves even know? We’ll wonder about them for the next, I don’t know, twenty five years or so, probably… but for now, chug-a-lug, Donna.
Cancer: Carrie White, Carrie
The most psychic and maybe most sensitive of the signs, the jump from empath to telekinetic may not be that far off for a Cancer. As a homebody who is fiercely loyal to their family, asking Carrie to leave the house in general was just a bridge too far, let alone putting her in harm’s way at prom so everyone else could feel better about themselves. Even after her wackadoo mom tries to kill her, Carrie still just wants to hug. Let this be a lesson to you: if you see a Cancer having a fun time by themselves at the library, just leave them the fuck alone.
Leo: Asami Yamazaki, Audition
It’s not realistic to expect anyone to give up all their loves (including their family) for just one person, but Leos don’t adhere to our reality so much. Leos need a captive audience, and one way to get that is for them to paralyze you and begin slowly slicing off your extremities. Call 1–900-LeoDate today! A crestfallen, attention depraved Leo will be hunched over by the phone just waiting (for days) for your call.
Virgo: Carol, Repulsion
Your shoes are scuffed. Your boyfriend always wants to pester you. Your roommates are having sex. Add days-old rotting rabbit meat, the dead body of your landlord, and a deteriorating, possessed apartment to the mix and you have a perfect Virgo nightmare. But are your visions as real as your very real diagnosis you gave yourself on WebMD? Or are your tormentors all in your mind?