It might be you or not you, the reason of this turmoil. It might be a little bit of everything, a dash of this, a pinch of that; creating this snowball of sadness.
When it just happened, when I found out about your wedding, and the fact that you had it in this Island, I felt almost numb. Aren't denial is the sweetest friend of all? But that numbness didn’t last very long. I may not drown in my tears, but a stream of sadness — deep sadness — rushing in bizarrely.
Funny how all the feeling only came out to the surface after all the artificial intimacy; as if it opened me up, exposed me, like a sensitive pores in our skin; prone to any infections. My heart’s so heavy yet empty.
What have you done this time? Have you contaminated the sanctity of this Island for me?
Do you know for the past 10 months I've been walking around carrying this delicate glass vase with me? Guarding it with all my consciousness; making sure that I won’t drop it. Watching my every step so carefully so that it won’t break or scratched? And I was doing a fantastic job until you put a big rock in the middle of the road; I stumbled and fall. Do you want to know what’s happened to the vase? — The fragile vase. It falls, breaks and the pieces are scattered all over.
Should I feel angry? Should I hate you, now? I don’t know. I’m just in this turmoil of shame, guilt and rejection. The artificial intimacies only worsen it all. It smacked me in the head, suddenly I feel a hard kick in the gut; realizing that I only steal comfort. I steal happiness. I’m a thief! Like I was before you. (Bali, January 2014)