A Necessary Evil

Sometimes I get to thinking about you. And although it’s been a year, I still find myself exhibiting the same guttural reaction when I’m bombarded with vivid flashbacks of when we were together. Around 1 month was all it was. 1 month of (possibly) relating to all those sappy songs that i’ve grown to absolutely abhor. Holding hands, first kisses, movie dates, etc. you get the picture. You were the only one. My first and currently my last. I thought you were special. And you certainly voiced that I was “special” to you. Then things slowed down, you left for a summer trip and didn’t text as much. I had left for mine and was caught up in a state of high anxiety knowing what was about to happen. At 1am while i’m all the way across the country you break up with me through text saying you “think we should just be friends” and all I have to say is “okay”. I wanted to send you a “K.” or maybe even a sassy “fine.” but I really was set on concealing how much this affected me. Then I turned off my phone and proceeded to wake up my grandmother with my animalistic yelps and half breathing half sputtering the words “he doesn’t like me anymore”. She held me in her arms for two hours talking to me and smoothing my hair over my shoulder. Consequently, many months later my therapist reveals to me that she thinks I was “in love” with him. Now i’m starting to think maybe I was?… I felt like Meg in Hercules singing “I Won’t Say I’m in Love” and my therapist was the choir of muses wagging their fingers in my face while I tried to deny it. Anyhow I guess my point is that sometimes you need the necessary evil of getting hurt in order to reflect on yourself more than say, the other person in the relationship. It hurts yeah, but now I feel better having come out the other side with experience and some knowledge about what I like and don’t like. Now I really don’t know how to end this because I don’t wanna leave on a super cynical note saying “LOVE SUCKS!!!1!11!1!!” but it definitely isn’t all butterflies and rainbows. Then again if you’re willing to see it through it can also be one of the best things you’ve ever experienced.