5 Ways to Level Up Your Empathy!

Often, people tell me that they have a friend who is really empathetic or a coworker who does not have an empathetic bone in their body. No matter how good you or others around you are at empathy, I’m convinced that it’s not a characteristic that you’re born with or without. From personally teaching others, I’m convinced that we can all improve our empathy skills.

I’ve personally seen the results of empathy training when I was last visiting my grandmother, in India. She was furious with me and for good reason. For over a decade, I have been evading the demand of every elder in my extended family: “get married.” I had met over 40 women on arranged dates and rejected every one of them. After a second conversation or a short first date, I would be saying “sorry Mami (auntie on my mother’s side)” or “sorry Dadima (grandmother on my father’s side)”. By 2019, I was the only one in my generation of cousins that was still unmarried. Cousins significantly younger than me had already gotten married. Worse, my dadima and I don’t share a single language that we both fluently speak. So, our heated conversations were these frustratingly difficult combinations of three different languages: Hindi, Lisan ud-Dawat, and English.

(Not my actual dadima)

Fortunately, by the time I saw her last, I had learned a new language that would help us both: nonviolent communication (NVC). A little more context, here: my father, i.e. her son, had died since the last time I had seen her. He had really wanted to see me get married and the whole family knew it. Her grief and anger mixed together as she gave me the strongest scolding she could manage on the subject. I was also full of grief too. And I could tell that I was starting to get angry, as well. We were about to run the remix on our 10+ year-long fight: her telling me I needed to grow up, me saying that I would only marry someone I was compatible with. And a dozen other arguments on both sides. We knew our arsenals well. However, this time, a new habit kicked in. NVC trained me to give empathy when others are angry. I trusted that the other would not hear me through their anger. So, I practiced the tips I’ve included below.

NVC trained me to give empathy when others are angry.

As you can imagine, an hour later, we were hugging and crying together. My aunt and cousins came into the room completely baffled. They knew how angry my Dadima was. They thought it would have been a WWE match and they had brought their popcorn. My cousin tried to instigate another round of the fight. I imagine she thought, “they must be tired or there was some fluke… maybe his Dadima hasn’t gotten started, yet.” In fact, Dadima and I were feeling so connected by that time, that instead of fighting, my Dadima quickly scolded my cousin for being a troublemaker! She kept patting my hand and affectionately saying, “mera pyaara bachha (my lovely son)”. Even with the massive language barrier, raw emotions, and a fight brewing, we ultimately had a very deeply bonding conversation.

I’ve had numerous similar experiences with my mother, sister, and romantic partners. I’m certain you can have these lovely and connecting experiences even in the midst of what might become World War III. That is if you can build a strong set of empathy muscles. Remember, what saved me with Dadima was the habit.

If you want to understand the techniques, try them out. If you want to save yourself from a life of painful conversations, then make them habits!

Practice these skills with me, personally, at my workshops:
https://www.nvcdesi.com/nvc4you

Tip #1 Active listening

The first category is easiest for most of us. You may have already heard of this category of techniques. These include verbal and non-verbal cues that let the speaker know that you’re listening. I’ve mastered these with such enthusiasm from a young age that my head often bounced up and down in classrooms without me noticing. In one class, a guest speaker indicated that his attention kept being drawn to me because I looked like a bobble head! And yup, that’s the first active listening action: nodding. “Mmhms,” smiling from your eyes, short phrases that express understanding (e.g. “I see”, “oh ok”) are all part of the active listening bucket.

If you struggle with imagining what this looks like, think about the sweetest and kindest person you know. Maybe a grandmother figure in your own life. Maybe a best friend who always makes you feel loved. Or anyone you trust to hear you out. If you don’t have that in your life, imagine the perfect fictional therapist. Now, imagine a moment when you have their absolute attention. How do they act? How do you know that you can say absolutely anything without being judged? Now, imagine listening with that same type and depth of attention.

Tip #2 The conceptual storage shelf

When you’re speaking with someone and trying to help them feel heard, the worst thing you can do is to start talking about yourself. Or to start talking about the idea you just had. Or to start talking about this great story. Yeah — sure, I believe you — it’s a great story, but look — the person you’re listening to is upset and wants to be heard. NOW is not the time!

But what do you do? That story is really exciting and now all you can do is think about telling that story. It’s like trying not to talk about the pink elephant in the room, right?

The conceptual storage shelf can help! Imagine that there’s a great big invisible shelf next to you when you talk to someone. The shelf is within your reach, to the side of you, and out of the way of your conversation. On this shelf, there is space for all the ideas, advice, stories, and brilliance that you *could* share at this moment. Imagine your mind telekinetically putting a little book on the shelf every time an idea pops up in your mind.

These are all things that you’re choosing not to share, YET. We’re not saying you will never share them. We’re just saying that we’re going to share or not share them from a place of thoughtful choice. We’re going to avoid compulsively spilling out whatever is on our minds, here. This is not about suppressing thoughts. And you’re not a bad person for having thoughts while the other person is speaking. Everyone has them. We’re simply doing a mental motion to put the thought neatly on the shelf.

This IS a muscle. The more you practice it, the easier it will be. Before you know it, even the really big, important, and weighty thoughts will find the perfect spot on your shelf. And you will be ready to pull them off the shelf and share, whenever the time is juuuuust right.

Tip #3 Reflective listening

In this technique, you will try to reflect back what you hear the speaker saying. Be careful not to sound like a parrot. Parrots often make people really uncomfortable, especially human-looking ones. This is an intermediate technique and I know many brilliant people who struggle with it. So, be patient with yourself as you try it and consider a workshop if you’re not getting the results you want.

Why does this technique work so well? Well, often when someone is sharing, they haven’t had a chance to think through what they’re sharing. They’ve been bottling up their thoughts and feelings, not sure where to let them out. Or they simply hadn’t thought about what they’re sharing too deeply before the moment they’re speaking. By repeating back to them what you’ve heard, you’re giving them a chance to reconsider what they said. Often, when someone reflects back what I say, I’ll respond with, “Oh wait! You reflected it back correctly, but that’s not what I meant!” or even “I think I was wrong!” Those aha moments are hugely beneficial to me and I’ve been told numerous times by others that they feel so validated when they get the chance to come to their own realizations rather than being told that they were wrong.

Celebrate the corrections!

The other common reaction is clarification. The speaker will tell you that you didn’t quite understand what they meant. Do not feel bad if you get clarification! Imagine what would have happened if you started responding with that misunderstanding of what they meant. Thank goodness they corrected you! And more importantly, thank goodness you reflected back. Clarifications mean that you’re doing reflective listening well! Don’t worry about whether you understood them correctly the first time. Unfortunately, Sometimes people will feel uncomfortable clarifying, so prompt them with a, “did I get that right?” Just watch as the tension drops away from their shoulders and they feel relieved to correct you. That’s a huge win!

Now, it can be awkward to start reflecting back in the middle of a conversation. So, often, when I think someone might appreciate a reflection, I’ll try to ask casually about it with one of the following:

• “Hey, I’m not sure I totally understood that. Do you mind if I check by sharing what I think I heard?”
• “Do you mind if I check that I understood you?”
• “Wait. Can I pause and see if I got that?”
• “I’m sorry, I don’t think I understood. Did you mean that…”

You might notice that most of these questions are geared towards my understanding of what was shared. That’s the core of empathy: the listener understanding the speaker in a way that helps the speaker feel understood. If I’m not sure I understood the speaker, there is a meaningful chance that they also feel misunderstood.

[T]he core of empathy: the listener understanding the speaker in a way that helps the speaker feel understood.

So as a listener, making a habit to ask if you can reflect back is a great way to practice giving empathy!

Tip #4 Empathy guessing

Now, this is our most advanced technique. If you haven’t mastered the other techniques, then I don’t really recommend trying this one on your own. When I teach this at workshops, beginners really struggle a lot with this. Done badly, the person your speaking to can get really upset.

Here is your safety checklist to check-off before you decide to try this:

1. Are you a master of active listening?
2. Are you good at reflective listening?
3. Are you able to conjure up a conceptual storage shelf with the blink of an eye?
4. Do you know how to ask if the other person is enjoying how you’re listening? (covered in the next section)
5. Do you know how to check if you have the capacity to share more empathy? (covered later in the article)
6. Are you clear about the similarities and differences between sensations, feelings, and emotions? (covered in future materials and at workshops)
7. Are you clear about the similarities and differences between desires, strategies, values, motivations, intentions, and needs? (covered in future materials and at workshops)
8. Are you clear on the difference between requests and demands? (covered in future materials and at workshops)

If you gave an enthusiastic “yes” to all of these questions then with caution, read on.

Otherwise, skip the rest of this section and go to tip #5. Come join a workshop to learn this technique without causing yourself and the people you care about a lot of unnecessary pain!

Have I warned you enough times in enough different ways? No, well then: You have been warned! Proceed at your own risk. Alright, now my conscience feels clear!

Ok! So the basic technique of empathy guessing is that we’re going to help jog the thinking and feeling of the person we’re listening to. Sometimes when people are working something out as they speak, they might get stuck. They don’t really know what else to say. Surprisingly enough, the typical response from a therapist in the movies is extremely unhelpful, “how do you feel about that?” If you ask that, people’s voices often drop down an octave and they go “huh?” I know because I’ve tried it. What is far more helpful is to give someone a clear yes/no question.

Remember, they’re stuck! Give them something easy to answer.

A good empathy question is easy to answer honestly. A good empathy question DOES NOT NEED a yes. This is where most newbies fumble A LOT. They expect a “yes” as a response. They want to guess right! So, they feel upset if the speaker says “hmm… not really.” Then the speakers feels upset. And now everyone in the conversation is upset. That’s not the technique. Don’t be that newbie! If your speaker responds honestly to your question with a strong “No”, celebrate! Woohoo, they just got unstuck! Now, they can keep sharing!

If you get defensive, you’re likely to irritate them or otherwise convince them to not share honestly with you. Your job is to make it easier for your speaker to understand themselves. Answering Yes/No questions is much easier than open-ended ones for most people when they’re stuck. Questions are especially easy to answer when you know that your answers will be welcomed, no matter what they are.

In personal and informal relationships, start by guessing how they’re feeling. I often will say, “I wonder if you’re feeling ___ about the situation.” By phrasing without a question mark, you’re softening the request. You give the speaker a chance to ignore your empathy guess, if they don’t want to talk about their feelings at that moment. If the relationship is more professional or formal, it might not be appropriate to ask about feelings. In which case, jump straight to the 2nd type of guess.

give the speaker a chance to ignore your empathy guess

The 2nd type of guess, I recommend, is asking about what they are wishing for. “When I heard you say ____, I wondered if you wish that you had more ____.” Again, the key here is to give them space to think and to say yes or no.

One of the outcomes I really hate is to find out later that the speaker is very agreeable and felt pressured to say “yes” when my guess was not what they were feeling or wanting. That only leaves us more confused. The speaker might even blame you later. So, give a sufficient pause after your guess and use those active listening skills.

give a sufficient pause after your guess

Remember that this is a more advanced skill. If you practice this without support or a good conversation container, you risk upsetting and driving away the people you’re listening to. So, I recommend joining a workshop to practice this skill. Once you’ve mastered it, this skill will make all of your professional relationships so much easier to navigate.

Tip #5 Check-in with the other person

People forget how easy it is to ask for directions. This skill is simple: ask the speaker what they’re looking for! A simple, “hey I realize that I started reflecting back what I heard you say and maybe that was annoying for you. Is that true?” Or “Hmmm… I’m wondering if you’d like some advice.” Remember, if they say “Mmm I guess that’s fine,” then they probably don’t want it. That is to say, if it’s “Not An Enthusiastic Yes” then, it is a “N.A.E.Y”, aka “no”. And if you’re curious about how to deal with that, consider this video on consent: how to give tea.

In general, I highly recommend you interrupt yourself or the other person to check-in that they’re appreciating your listening. For example, “Hey, I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I just wanted to check if you wanted me to share anything. I thought you might want me to hear what was on your mind, so I was choosing to listen. I’m happy to listen though if you want to keep going. How’s this been for you, so far?”

Also, remember that everyone has very different life experiences and different needs at any given moment. Empathy is valuable, underrated, and probably helpful more than 80% of the time. However, it’s not ALWAYS the right communication choice. Sometimes people really do want advice or for you to distract them with a funny story rather than focusing on their pain. So, the next time someone shares their woes, try some empathy through one of these techniques and then check-in with the other person to see how it’s going.

Bonus Tip: Take care of yourself during conversations

Another important consideration to not forget. You’re just getting started. You are not a bottomless well of empathy. And even if you were highly skilled, there will be times where you’re tired, have had too much on your plate, and are just not ready to listen to others.

If you’re tired, angry, sad, lonely, or stressed and trying to listen to someone else go on and on about their struggles, you’re likely going to hurt them and yourself rather than be empathetic. Remember, it’s not your job to listen (unless it is, in which case, it’s always good to check if you are taking enough breaks at work). So, take a breath, look out the window, and let your attention wander. Then ask yourself if you feel willing to keep on listening and providing empathy. If the answer is no, remember to be kind to the speaker as you excuse yourself or ask to change the topic.

Just like it’s dangerous to push yourself to do manual labor when you’re exhausted and the sun is bearing down on you, it’s dangerous to try to pretend to listen well when you’re really yearning for a break and don’t have the energy to listen. Do you remember all those times that other people pretended to listen but you knew they didn’t really care? Ya, I remember those times. They sucked. Let’s not give anyone else one of those memories.

Alright, now that you have learned 5 ways to level up your empathy + a bonus tip. Here’s my last and possibly my most important recommendation for you:

Join a workshop!

I offer workshops and so do many other wonderful trainers! Even if you want to work with someone else, I highly encourage you to join a workshop. Imagine trying to learn how to ride a bike by someone describing it in an online article. Maybe you’ll figure it out. But your friend down the street with their older sibling guiding them will probably be riding laps around you while you’re still trying to get on your bike. Workshops give you a chance to ask questions while you’re in the middle of practicing these novel and difficult skills. They also give you access to live humans, who have their own emotional challenges to work with. These partners know what you’re trying to practice and won’t blame you if you make mistakes, which makes for a great opportunity to practice. There will be a lot less pressure than the moment when someone you love is having a meltdown or you’re in the middle of a fight. So, don’t wait until the moment of crisis to gain these skills!

I frequently host empathy workshops and practice groups. You can learn more about my offerings, here: www.NVCDesi.com. Feel free to send me an email about the next empathy workshop! If I’m not hosting one soon, I promise to help you find one!