The Ultimate Guide to Being Single: Part 1; The Truth
To cap off the series is a few sobering truths to get to grasps with. So put down the ice-cream, turn off that depressing love music and go clean your face. It is messy from all your crying, mixed with snot and mascara.
Realize that being single is a season. Just like being in school and waiting to graduate then finding a job.
Every season has its pros and cons. You can’t wait to finish school and start working, then alas you find a job where you hate your boss and your coworkers. Literally waking up to go to work is a torturous event. But all you ever wanted was to start working and be independent.
So does marriage. If you marry the wrong person, your marriage season may have more cons than pros. Your single life has its pros and cons but the cons are not infinitely more than in any other season. So stop focusing on the cons and leading an unhappy existence thinking a mate and marriage will appear and magically take you into a land of perpetual bliss. This will not be the case.
Realize you can actually idolize marriage. In Exodus 34:14 –for you shall not worship any other god for the Lord whose name is Jealous is a jealous God. Your desire for a husband can be an idol in your life. Planning the wedding in intimate and elaborate fashion can be an idol. Fixating on your wedding dress can be an idol (are you saying yes to the dress?) I think many women turn to God in hopes that He will deliver a man to them who becomes the number one focus in their life. I’m sorry to disappoint you but a human being is flawed and can’t take the place of God. When God says He wants first position in your life He means it. You also can’t play Him, He knows your motives.
You are complete and whole NOW. Society and even church, places so much importance on being paired up and having children and they knowingly or unknowingly sideline singles. But you know what, God is fully aware that you are single and you are special and important in His eyes. It doesn’t matter what your church thinks. God can use you just because you are single. A man on a horse will not come galloping into your life and make you a whole being since you think you are currently a fifth of a person.
You will attract who you are. I have done a lot of research on successful marriages and according to Rick Warren, two important keys to a happy and long lasting marriage is a couple sharing the same faith and having life purposes that overlap or are similar. That is, by us being together we elevate each other’s careers or even work together. Couples like Meagan Good and Devon Franklin who have written a book together, speak together and Toure and Sarah Roberts who have both authored books and preach at One Church LA.
Instead of spending your life in a comatose state and a constant state of angst, realize you need to use that energy to develop yourself. If you want to whine and complain all day, have lots of debt, eat unhealthy, don’t exercise, you will attract a man just like you. On the other hand if you are a good money manager, you eat healthy and exercise, you don’t take drugs or smoke, directed a movie on OWN and are buddies with Oprah, then sweetie you will be courted by men of a different caliber. It’s your choice really.
This goal to be anywhere in the vicinity of Oprah will keep you so busy, you won’t have time to realize you don’t have a life partner.
I think destiny is really the key here.
Building my writing career occupies all my time.
I really do not have time to search for a mate on Tinder or whatever. Before this dream was placed in my heart, I would spend time looking for a guy and would get excited and start wedding planning when a guy contacted me. Now I’m like “Dude, I have an article to publish on Thursday.” And I have to look for money to work with this person and I have to figure out how to start a speaking career and monetize this damn writing. I have zero time to chat on Facebook.
Marriage can go very wrong. What is wrong with people, especially single women? Do they live like ostriches burying their heads in the sand blissfully unaware of what is going on in the world? Do you NOT know the statistics? In the USA, about 40 to 50 percent of married couples divorce.
I copied this from an article in Psychology Today.
“In broader terms, it is estimated that anywhere between fifteen and twenty percent of marriages are sexless. That’s after over fifty percent of them fail and end in divorce, which doesn’t count the amount of people who stay in their marriages miserable and imprisoned, lonely and longing for real love, and the opportunity to express that love through sexual intimacy.”
Can you imagine not having sex regularly, while married? Can you imagine being lonely? Can you imagine being miserable and imprisoned?
I have a friend who is a counsellor for women with abusive husbands in Malmö. I asked her what her saddest cases were and she told me it’s the women who have been married to an abusive man for 40 years, are still with him and are so stressed out that they have physical signs of stress. She says she does not know how to ‘fix’ them because they are so broken and have just a few years left on this earth.
Even worse is when your husband is addicted to drugs and alcohol or gambling or can not stay on a budget. Or is an absentee father who makes promises to your kid and never keeps them. Your choice of a man will now affect your children who will then be bad parents themselves and so on and so forth.
It is better to wait for a good thing than get a bad thing now.
If you idolize marriage, are in a rush to plan your dream wedding and so on, you are more likely to be affected by instant gratification. You may even overlook some red warning signs in your mate in order to rush to the altar. This is one area you want to take your time on because if you rush and choose wrong you will reap the consequences for years to come.
Don’t say you were not warned.
photo credit: Giuseppe Milo (www.pixael.com) The pianist — Isernia, Italy — Black and white photography via photopin (license)
This article originally appeared on my blog at www.nyakarimaking.com
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