How To Live With Religious Differences In Your Family
Religion is divisive, but it was never intended to be. Scholars cannot decide what religion is. If educated scholars around the world cannot define religion, how can the rest of the world be expected to know how to navigate the religious beliefs of others? Which leaves many people asking (or at least they ought to ask): “How do I respect what I do not know?”
For this discussion I will take this to another question: Do people fight because of differences? I want to be careful about the way I approach that question. Truth of the matter is, in this world people fight over many things. To say that they fight because of “differences” alone is an incomplete answer, for a more complete answer, I would say that people do not fight because differences exist. Rather, individuals fight when we fail to live in harmony with the differences.
I cannot speak for all the differences that exist in the world (that becomes too complex too quick). But I can speak on religious differences between family members — of which I lived my whole life navigating. Which now begs the question: how do you harmonize religious differences in your family?
The short answer is to nurture love and civility for the individual. The long (and non-perfect) answer is the rest of this piece.
In my family (at least the ones I interact with), everyone is a Christian. Not the same flavor of Christianity, but Christians nonetheless. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints — an uncommon tradition in my family history. My mother converted as a child and in the short time we lived together she passed the tradition onto me, I have held onto my faith since.
In my household, I was loved and all my needs were met by a diligent father and stepmother. But I would be lying if I said that I didn’t feel alone or misunderstood being the only one in my faith practices and convictions. It was hard to feel understood when the people around me weren’t living the same way I was. It’s not their fault. These are simply the conflicts encountered by a developing mind coming to terms with the reality of the world. I do not blame my parents for the religious complexities I struggled with.
Which has led me to write this piece, I want to provide something of a letter of validation to others in similar shoes who feel lost in managing their personal religious conflicts in their families. To the lone wolf in the faith, or the anxious believer in survival mode because they are under constant fire — and anything in between. I also hope this ends up as a source for the parents who are curious to know what they can do themselves to better understand their child.
Unsurprisingly, and rather disappointingly, Christian on Christian differences tend to yield the most volatile conflicts in a household.
The irony in that statement is that every Christian reading this knows exactly what I am talking about. I often heard the joke that if you want to see a fight, just put two Christians in a room for an hour.
Funny, isn’t it? Christianity is about following Jesus Christ, the very man who preached of peacemaking and condemned contention. But His followers have a tendency to hardly pull their punches and backbiting against each-other, nor are they willing to forgive those who have offended them.
The painful reality is, we are lousy Christians to other Christians. And heartbreakingly, our families tend to suffer first and most frequently for it.
President Russell M. Nelson once shared a thoughtful question to consider: “Cannot boundary lines exist without becoming battle lines?” (“Teach Us Tolerance And Love,” Russell M. Nelson).
And they can! I testify that they can!
Faith conflicts in a household are so complex that I cannot possibly encapsulate all angles of the discussion in one piece. But I can speak from my experiences, stories from loved ones, and the reflections I’ve picked up over the years. I hope that someone, somewhere can pick up at least one piece of advice to help them. If not at least take comfort in knowing they are not alone and that life does get better. I have written primarily as a letter to the parents, then to their children. This is intended for Christians but feel free to apply this as it fits elsewhere.
Dear parent(s), guardian, and/or adult,
Religious differences are hard to live with sometimes. But believe it or not, you can make or break your relationship with your child by the way you treat the boundaries and beliefs they possess. Understand this, no one will remember you for how “right” you are, you are only remembered by how much you cared — and how much you showed it in a way your children can recognize. Childhood and adolescence are very vulnerable periods of life. And they have an impeccable memory to accompany that. Therefore, you have a penetrating influence; and anything that happens in that time, for good or for worse, sticks.
I recall the story of a young teenage girl of one Christian faith, her father identified with another Christian tradition. The father had some church friends visiting one evening. As our young friend walked through the living room where they gathered, these men attempted to “save her” and “innocently” inquired about her faith.
As she took the bait — expecting a genuine conversation — she fell right into their trap. Before she knew what was going on, she was in the midst of theological warfare: cherry-picked Biblical scriptures carpet bombed her, accusations about the origins of her church fired like cannons, and loaded questions choked any breathing room for rational thought in her young mind.
She was overwhelmed by the ambush as these grown men childishly talked over her every attempt to squeak out an honest answer. Finally her father delivered the final blow:
“If you can tell me why your church is right and why mine isn’t, I will leave mine to join yours.” He said, challengingly.
Her quiet response was beautifully inspired: “That is not how faith works.” She excused herself to her bedroom and called her mother, obviously distressed about the experience.
This young woman, instead of questioning her faith, ended up questioning her relationship with her father. She no longer felt secure or respected in her home. This is a true tragedy, this teenager was denied the blessing of civility and emotional security because of an insensitive challenge towards her religious convictions.
Had her father prioritized her over his so called “friends,” or even his own convictions; and had done something to safeguard her feelings, their relationship may never have tarnished. If a teenager feels unsafe once, it is generally hard for them to trust again. As we can see, families can suffer terribly in the crossfire of religious conflict; in failing to harmonize the differences.
Do not make the same mistake this foolish father made. Bible or faith bashing helps no one. Especially not your son/daughter.
My point with this story is that you are responsible for the well being of your child. Fail to give them civility or recognizable love and you will likely pay the price with their quiet and gradual distance. On the other hand, no child ever wants to be far from a good parent. Wherefore, you ought to be more concerned with creating more positive experiences than negative ones. Fighting a child’s convictions will surely create bitter memories.
Keep teaching correct principles, keep preparing them to face the world, and continue nurturing them. I am not suggesting that you do not communicate openly or express your concerns. But I will say that attempting to challenge their beliefs in an attempt to “covert” them to your creeds (or at least out of theirs) will risk steeper losses than whatever victories you hoped to gain. In my experience, they will either never budge, or lose the ability to believe in anything for a long time.
The key is to understand them. Ask honest questions. You’ll find more in common than you expect. Pray to God, ask Him to bless you with the wisdom to nurture your child in ways that will maximize their growth and your bond to them. I promise you will find harmony in the differences. I promise you and your family will be happier.
Dear young person (or old),
I know it is a scary thing to be of a different faith in your family. Feeling alone, misunderstood, or judged are completely natural feelings to experience. Being a young person feels “different” as it is, now you add something as significant as your religion to make you stand out even more against the wall — it’s no wonder it feels hard to fit in.
Take comfort in knowing there is nothing wrong with having a different faith tradition. And really, it is the responsibility of your parents to show civility for your beliefs. So take that weight off your shoulders and stop thinking you’re doing something wrong for not seeing eye to eye with your folks on something made to be an individual experience.
Having said that, you cannot control what others do. You can spend a long time wishing people would treat you a certain way — or believe what you believe — these kinds of expectations will only leave you frustrated. You can only control your thoughts and your actions. This is vital to remember.
As you expect civility from others about the way you believe and live. You ought to likewise reciprocate civility for others. There is a difference between civility and tolerance: Civility is maintaining respectful behavior (ie. no yelling or name calling). Tolerance is understanding what behaviors you will accept. Healthy boundaries are good to be mindful of, they set the limits of your tolerance.
Some behaviors an individual should generally not tolerate would be rudeness, insults, and physical violence. You should not accept anything that makes you uncomfortable. As I say this, be mindful that there exists no perfect manual of responses laid out for every possible conflict; life is too complicated to be compressed that simply. But my advice is to rely on trusted friends and leaders to guide you. The example of the Savior will also speak to you as you seek to learn from Him. Nevertheless, you are young, mistakes will be made, let them refine you, not define you.
Seek to be a loving and trustworthy son/daughter. At the very least, God still expects you to honor your mother and father. That doesn’t mean excusing hurtful behavior, but it does sometimes mean forgiving them, those are two separate things, by the way — you shouldn’t recklessly put yourself in a vulnerable position and call that “forgiveness.” Again, healthy boundaries.
If you are hurt or treated poorly because of your faith. Seek help, and hold onto whatever light or positivity you got. Life will get better, God promises a better life to all His children when they choose to follow His son, Jesus Christ. Healing will come, you will be understood one day. Maybe not by the people around you right now, but one day (if you choose to) you can find people who will make you feel understood.
Don’t be hostile, don’t engage in debate, and answer honest questions (how you determine which questions are honest is up to your judgement). Be easy to talk to, be easy to live with. The harmony we aim for requires both parties to cooperate yet it takes one to destroy it. Make sure you are not the obstacle to peace.
Otherwise, be a good boy/girl: love your siblings, serve your household, live what your faith teaches! I guarantee you would deepen your devotion if you went out of your way to do something thoughtful for someone. Pray to God to know how to make the best out of the situation, it really does not have to be a big deal, and that’s the beautiful part of it all. There is more to your relationship than religious compatibility. And incompatibility does not need to burn your bridges.
You will be just fine. I promise.
That is all I have to offer. I wish I could say more, I know there is more to be said. But these are the thoughts I have felt would suffice to share.
I pray that this is helpful, and that we can start being better Christians to the people that actually matter in our lives. May our families find peace in the differences that we harmonize as a quiet choir of kind words, loving actions, and sincere service in anthem praise to our God.
