Summer Sanders

Wassup. It’s been a while, innit?

My summer’s been good. I’m out of East Orange, in case you wanted to know the outcome of my last entry. I’m around my father’s side of the family and it feels good. I made a rap album and I dropped it last month. So much weight off my chest. I feel good.

I moved to Lawrence, New Jersey on the 4th of July. It’s a suburb of Trenton with fairly good vibes all around. I’m with my dad, my stepmother, my sister and my baby brother. I still haven’t found a job down that way so I have a 2 and a half hour commute to work every damn day. I’m working on it slowly but surely, but that’s just the remnants of the childishness I mentioned in my last entry. I’m still a manchild. Improvements have been made though.

My dad wants to talk to me when I get home. I don’t know what the talk can be about. I frankly don’t care because it’s gonna get me in a mood that I don’t wanna be in. I feel like a fucking child when I get talked to. There goes that word again. Child. The thing is… it’s over some small shit. I didn’t do anything wrong, not to my knowledge. It’s probably over the TV being on. I don’t know. I truthfully don’t know, but I know this talk is gonna piss me off, even if it’s my fault, because it’ll be like… “Nyles, you know better.”

It might be over not finding a job down that way. I caught a interview with Apple last month. It went well to me but they ended up not going further with me. It could be about college, due to it being September and I haven’t been looking up colleges and stuff. I have a bundle of online courses in graphic design and typography on my Mac. I been reading up on them every chance I get. The second he told me he had to talk to me, I went from a good mood to completely annoyed. That’s just how I am and how I’ve always been. I can brush things off kinda quickly but you can talk the Godhonest truth to me and I would still be fucked up. Because it’s like you’re talking to me like I’m a child. I don’t wanna be a child anymore. I been a child for 21 years. Just let me go through this world on my own.

Another thing about me: Stubbornness. I’m super stubborn when it comes to jobs. If the environment is wrong, fuck that job. If I’m not happy, fuck that job. “But Nyles, you’re gonna be making so much money.” Read some of my earlier entries and you’ll see that I don’t give a fuck about money. Niggas die because of money. I just want to be myself, going through this world by myself, learning things about my craft by myself and making what I have to make financially to do the things I wanna do in my life without having to sacrifice. But a perfect world has no room for sacrifice. Sacrifice is essential in a world like this. You have to give to take.

I’m actually on the way to work now, playing “Provider” by Frank Ocean on repeat. Music can get me out of the mood but when I get home, the childishness will come back, sadly. I know this talk is gonna piss me the fuck off but fuck it. I know what I wanna do with my life and it’s not gonna be cleaning buses. I’ma just have tunnel vision with this shit. No talking. No smiling, unless something makes me smile. I’ma just be by myself. Fuck. Fuck.

I won’t be home til 10pm. Fuck.

We’re all on the earth with this one thing in common. School taught us everything but one thing: how to figure all of this out. That’s what we’re all doing. All of us. We’re just trying to figure it out. It took a while for my dad to have the job he has and the wonderful family he has and everything … and he still got things to figure out. I’m 23, recovering from being a lazy oaf, with a career in the making. I’m just tryna figure it out. Help me, but let me figure it out.

Just love me… guide me at times so I won’t drive off the road.

It’s not like I’m not trying. Nothing is easy. I know that.

Just please…

Let me figure it out. That’s all.


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