Just another day in the jungle
We are group animals. We should be able to live together and respect each other’s space. But how is it so difficult sometimes to manage our relationships? And I do not mean just the relationships with our partners, but the ones with family, friend and colleagues.
I always try to be kind to others, to be patient and to be understanding of their position, irrespective of whether I agree with it or not. However, it becomes fairly difficult to be kind to others when they are consistently unkind. We all have bad days, but does that mean that we all need infinite patience till the person on the other side of the table is in a good mood or until they are willing to consider your own point of view, your needs and your fears. Is it about wining, is it about finding a common ground, or is it about something else?
I have been fortunate enough to have a very open personality and to be able to quickly connect to people. However, a consistent mistake I have made in the past, and will probably continue to make in the future, is to assume that all people are like me. That it doesn’t burden them to help others, it doesn’t burden them to be kind and it is easy to put yourself in another person’s shoes. As a result I often get disappointed, energy drained and I tend to accept way too much bad behavior before I push back and say it is enough. I do it with my family, I do it with my partners and I do it with my friends. So family we cannot choose, we are kind-a stuck with them at birth but that doesn’t mean that you need to carry their burden at all times. Partners and friends we choose but then still I tend to take on too much and the other side is happy to feel lighter without offering anything in return.
So this is the common thing… It is me. Sometimes I wish I was more selfish, sometimes I wish I did not feel guilty when I say “No”, when I push back as I cannot take anymore bad attitude and negativity. Recently, I started looking back in time, through my memories to figure out why I seem to not be learning from my past mistakes. Why do I choose to take on more weight from others even if I cannot carry even a feather more?
I can blame my family, my ex-partners, my friends… I can feel sorry for myself but somehow I do not have that function. Even though it takes me quite some time before I decide to exit poisonous relationships, once I make a choice I stick with it. I guess I need to be stronger at making those choices instead of believing that people can be better and waiting for them to get to that “good mood” moment. To that moment when they see what I have done for them, how I have shielded them from their burdens and they are happy and willing to do the same when I need it.
Fortunately, there are more people in my life I can count on than those who have disappointed me. Through the years I learned to filter the “bad eggs” out of my life. I guess the next step will be to be more careful and not wear my heart on my sleeve all the time. In my core I believe in the goodness and kindness of people. That we are all born good, that we learn how to hate and we are a product of the misfortunes we suffered though our lives.
I guess my lesson on the above is that you need to be a bit selfish sometimes, to take care of your self and not assume others have the same decision process. Sound easy but for me it is a subconscious thing — when someone asks for help or support I will give it irrespective of what it costs me. Thus I need to pay attention to whether I am not giving too much and make sure that I count to 10 before I say “Yes”.
